Facing 25

Widows count anniversaries like they are still happening. Divorces count them like battle scars. I look at it from a different space. To me it is simply a time to be retrospective. To look at how i have grown and changed, hopefully for the better.

At 19 he was my knight in shining armor. Taking me from a family home that was not filled with loving kindness. By my early 30’s i was head long into proving my worth through my career. We did not have good communication and hence we were unable to tell the other that we were not happy. We had not grown together but rather very far apart. By my 40’s my heart was in a constant state of sadness. I began searching in places for what my heart was missing. I found many things but none to fill the dark lonely spot.

I finally found my own inner light and walked away. And by the time we had our 24th we were living apart and waiting on divorce papers. Now i am sitting a few days from that 25 mark and i look at it not with sadness but with calm contentment. I know who i am. After all of these years i am not just his once upon a time wife. I am not my career or my daughters mother. I am all of that and so much more. I have found balance and peace and happiness and yes LOVE.

I look back on those years and can remember the good and acknowledge the bad. I can see where i fell short and have learned some valuable lessons. I know where to try harder and be better. And in honesty i have found someone worth being better for. It is funny that he says he works hard to be a better man for me, because i know i am working hard to be a better woman. Not for him, but for US. It is easier to do that when someone says to you every day that you are loved and wanted and needed. I have let go of perfection and embraced the fact that a flawed life is perfect. I will never be thin or young again. But I am smarter and sassier and happier in my own skin.

So as that day approaches i will not memorialize it, nor morn it, or wear it like a battle scar. But i will wake up that day and embrace the happiness of my life and give thanks for lessons learned and that i am no longer 19 and looking at life through rose colored glasses. Because now a days i live by the simple truth “honest is honest” and i have someone who is honest with me even when truth stings. And that is how life should be.

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