slow

her skin was soft and warm beneath my fingers
there was no clock ticking on the wall
we had all of the time in the world and we took it

kisses were placed with purpose
each to take in every piece of her body
and she in turn explored mine

there was no rush, no hurry
we savored each other like fine wine
we were Davinci’s pieces of art

This was not a fuck, fast and furious to fill a need
This was not making love, because i knew we were here only for now, not tomorrow
But it was as if it were the first time, where you wanted to miss nothing and remember everything

I still recall the taste of her skin, and how her breathing ebbed and flowed
I will never forget the sound of her voice as she begged me to stop because she could take no more
And i will always remember watching her leave, knowing tomorrow would never come

How i long for that again
the simple truth of it all
How i crave the SLOW

tornado

words whirling about my head like the winds of a swirling vortex
feelings and emotions so strong pulling at my head and my heart
a million different directions all at once and only one reaction
confusion

people throw around the word Perfection like they toss around the word love
nothing in life is perfect, it is simply accepting the imperfections
and i love our imperfections and how they fill in the holes the other leaves
so whats missing?

It’s to quiet, i can hear my own heart beating and the whoosh of blood in my ears
my breath does not make a sound but my stomach gnarls its self like a staving dog on a steak
i know nothing, feel everything and am still not sure of my own path
so whats next?

like an impetuous child i want it all, and yet i want nothing
I have no patience for what i think i want and am afraid of it
I am a bundle of need and want and fear and words and no words
lacking my ability to speak and yet over flowing with it all

someone make the wind stop spinning
the words stoop spewing
and my heart to find its full peace i this life
reign in the tornado

conversations, patience, and the will to be better

I have to start by saying i am a lucky bitch. I have this man in my life who not only loves me but talks to me.Some people may think that is not a big thing, but let me set you straight… It is a HUGE thing.
To have a partner in life who will talk WITH you not TO you is a gift.

Last night after a fast and fantastic use of the bathroom counter we lay on the bed and TALKED. We talked about my wants and my fears about my job. How things have changed for me over the course of the last 10 years and my financial worries. Like no man before he offered to work a second job to let me quit. Dear lord how i love him. I don’t want to quit. I would go mad if i were home all of the time and without my own money. That being said he talked to be about being patient and deciding what i really want. To do the numbers and see what i could change to make my heart and bank account happy.

Today i did just that. I did math and i HATE math. But, because of his gentle encouragement i can see where i am and what i need to do to make some changes for the better. It will not be easy. It is going to take some work and probably a little money to re build some of the things that are currently broken. Mostly it is going to take me learning to use a really big word. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My job used to be my focus but now i want a better life. Money is not my focus, although it is a necessary evil. But a happy man and happy family will make a happy wife. And i want that happiness. I want my home to feel like a warm and welcome castle for my King. And thanks to his calm and patient heart, and to the talk we shared. I now know that i can have my cake and eat it too.

Starting over?

I don’t know if it is the rain or the cold or the changing of season that has me in this state of mind again.
I am a home body. Simple and complicated. So here is the unvarnished truth. I think i want to quit my job. I have been wandering around the idea for the last year. And today i did the math. Having my own business was a gift for many years. But life and I have changed. I am in love with a man who makes me want to be home. To be that domestic goddess i have always longed to be. Betty Crocker, Martha Stewart with a little Jenna Jameson on the side.

No i cant be unemployed but i could go work part time and have someone else responsible for the tax man for once. I paid off all of my bills except for my car a year ago. i have a car payment and insurance, and a phone bill. Other than the groceries i buy for the house and what seems to be a christmas shopping problem i have little expense in life.

I don’t know what to do. All i know is that i have been at this for almost 25 years and i am wondering if my declining business is because of the turmoil my life has been thorough the last few years or if it is simply the universe telling me it is time to move on, to start this over like the rest of my life.

I wish things were clearer. I wish i knew. I wish …….

envy

So i have found this odd emotion inside of me. It is not jelousy it is envy.
My loves family has been out of town and i have been left with the joyous duty of watering grandmas plants.
The orchid requires some time so i have had time to look at family photos. It has left me feeling this sad envy. Their family is so close and full of love. Watching him grow and become such a wonderful man fills my heart with even more love for him. And yet i find myself envious of the years we did not have together.

His grandparents have celebrated over 50. I want 50 with him. There were Christmas photos of the previous wife and family and for a moment i was envious of the fact that she gave him a family. Then i was more angry over the realization that he and i could of had…. Lord how i wanted more children. But with my ex it was never going to be. I would of loved having his babies. Beautiful happy healthy children with his smile and my eyes.

Some people say that object hold time in them. I for one became a believer in that. I did a bid no no. Grandmas jewlery box was open and i put her original wedding band on my finger. In that moment i felt this swell of emotion. That ring holds some kind of magic in it. I love her grandson. Madly with all of my heart. And i hope for the rest of my life in his arms.

Hands

hands

Fingers enfolded one into the other
intertwined like lace
holding on with gentleness
and firmness and grace

His hands are long and slender and marked by work
Mine are short and chubby and perfectly polished
And yet when they are placed together you can not tell
where his begin and mine end

His hands reach for mine
In the truck, on the street
As we walk in the woods
He is always reaching for and finding my hands

My heart is in his hands
He holds it like he holds me
Firmly yet gently as is i were rare and breakable
And i know only love in that embrace

I am at peace
In his hands

I am but a woman

georgiapratt I am but a woman
fragile though i appear strong
afraid though i act brave
weak in the face of uncertainty

I am but a woman
aware of my flaws
facing my past mistakes
learning to be a better woman, wife, lover, mother, friend

I am but a woman
with moments of divine confidence
and moments of overwhelming inadequacies
but never doubts that you love her

I am but a woman
one who needs reminded every day that she is your heart
because in the end

I am but a woman