envy

So i have found this odd emotion inside of me. It is not jelousy it is envy.
My loves family has been out of town and i have been left with the joyous duty of watering grandmas plants.
The orchid requires some time so i have had time to look at family photos. It has left me feeling this sad envy. Their family is so close and full of love. Watching him grow and become such a wonderful man fills my heart with even more love for him. And yet i find myself envious of the years we did not have together.

His grandparents have celebrated over 50. I want 50 with him. There were Christmas photos of the previous wife and family and for a moment i was envious of the fact that she gave him a family. Then i was more angry over the realization that he and i could of had…. Lord how i wanted more children. But with my ex it was never going to be. I would of loved having his babies. Beautiful happy healthy children with his smile and my eyes.

Some people say that object hold time in them. I for one became a believer in that. I did a bid no no. Grandmas jewlery box was open and i put her original wedding band on my finger. In that moment i felt this swell of emotion. That ring holds some kind of magic in it. I love her grandson. Madly with all of my heart. And i hope for the rest of my life in his arms.

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