dominance and submission

A conversation with a friend today got me thinking. A dangerous thing i KNOW.
Why do some of us love those rolls? I personally believe that it is not so much the sexual aspect of it
but the trust part of it. To surrender you must FIRST fully TRUST. Your everything is in the hands of another person. And as women our minds must be engaged before our bodies can become involved to the point of allowing ourselves to surrender. I can not speak on a mans point of view but i do know that playing the roll of a dominate is a power rush. To have someone trust you to the point of allowing themselves to submit fully to your desires is intense. Being able to switch between rolls and having a willing partner is truly the spice of life.

I do not know if any of us are truly a full Dom or a full Sub. I think we are both sides of that coin in different aspects of our lives. But you have to know yourself first. And then find honesty and trust. Once you do then you can find that partner and the two of you can explore all of the playful possibilities of life. And that is a great gift indeed.



This morning my stomach is tied up in knots. How can one moment send you back into the dark abyss of your past?
I know that was not the intent, but it was the outcome. A moment of passion and intimacy took a corner in my head and i was no longer his mate, his lover, his queen. I was just the closest piece around when he needed some thing to fuck. I don’t know why having him behind me in bed like that caused such a physical and emotional reaction like that in me, but it did. There was no connection, no bond. My broken little girl emerged and i was once again back in the dark recesses of my childhood when my stepdad had that itch he needed to scratch.

With all of my heart i know that my King has no idea of how i am feeling. And looking him in the eye to tell him only makes me feel sicker. He is so not that kind of man. He is sweet and kind and gentle and loving. And he would never want to make me feel like i do at this moment. The issue is not with him but with some darkness that still lurks in the recesses of my brain. And i have no idea when a moment will arise and trigger that.
I love this man and want to spend the rest of my days and nights with him. I just need to find the sunshine back in my messed us head and move forward out of this spot


sharing once again because i just have to. It made my pulse race and the last line brought tears to my eyes.

His conquest

There was such softness to his kiss. It left her breathless with wonder.
There in the dark, lit only by the fiery moon. Her skin alive from his touch.
She wondered what would follow and she did not have long to wait
For he began to caress the skin behind her ear, down her pale neck and to the roundness of her breast.
Looking up at her he smiled and kissed her cleavage as if it were carved from the heavens itself.
Her heart raced and her breath came heady and fast. Leaving her swaying from such bliss.
He lowered her to the ground there by the lake and placed soft kisses on her finger tips
Leaving no part of her undiscoverd. By the time the sun broke in its first glorious morning rays
her body had surrendered to him a dozen times. Yet he had only surrendered once. His face flush with pride.
For he owned her. She had never been so desired and so satisfied in her life. And he took great joy from knowing that he was the one who brought her there again and again. Until she had begged him to fill her body.
And in one long last glorious moment they became one and their joy put the sun to shame.

Frozen in Time

so truly beautiful that i have to share it.

Sex with kids in the house

I have issues with sex. A childhood of abuse and an ex husband who became distant and uninvolved created some mental walls. IF your sexual partners are limited you don’t learn much about your own body. And to be honest all i knew about sex i learned with my ex. So it was uncomplicated and direct. We knew what buttons to push and that was that.

My body is odd. One good kiss and i am a puddle. But to flip the Big O switch takes time and some straight up clitoral stimulation. I like all of the fun positions and play but my brain gets in the way far to often.
And Why the history lesson you ask? Well. I have this wonderful man in my life and we were just getting to the point where i was finally really letting go. I was feeling free and compeletly invested in us. so sex was getting good. I was finally getting out of my own way and he was slowing down and learning all of the right buttons to push.

Fast forward… My daughter moved in with us.
You do not realize how much that effects your sex life until it happens. And then you wonder just how much having children puts a wrench in marriages. Couples meet and begin exploring. Fun happens, and then… Kids.
Part of a womans ability to be that sensual sex kitten vanishes with motherhood. Your ears are always listening down the hall. Your body changes and you feel betrayed by it. And men can develop the Madonna complex. You are not the mother of their children and so how lose that sexual appeal to them.

One might think that you would get past it when your kids are in their 20’s. But NO. Everything changed. There were no more Naked Saturdays. Or naked evenings cuddled on the couch. He did not come home to me in something shear and cute on. It was all rushed, the days of slow play left. Pet names seemed to vanish. And intimacy slowed. We were both feeling the effects of parent hood.

Sex causes children, but children to not cause sex. Children not only hamper but can destroy a sex life. And no matter what anyone says, a sexless marriage is a dead marriage. So i am celebrating the fact that my daughter is moving in with her dad. He is dating but knowing him like i do, there is no worry of her slowing down his sex life. I am looking forward to naked saturdays and internet porn in the living room with my guy. To taking a day to play and explore and to hear him whisper in my ear. I do miss the fun part of being a grown woman who knows what she likes and does not feel like she can not ask for it.

So this is my tale of how kids kill sex. Take it as you like. Share your views. And remember to keep passion alive.

strange randomness

i have some of the strangest conversations with my clients that later lead to deep thought processes.
for example, one client asked me about proper shaving of ones personal regions. It was discussed with clinical professionalism. But later made me think about why i shave and past shaving experiences.
this is the longest time i have ever managed to maintain the playground. Before i would groom and it might take my ex weeks to discover it. Then i would keep it up in hopes of a return visit but nada. So you decide that if the play ground only gets a visit once a month or so then why go to all of the effort. these days the fun is more often and worth the work, even though i will admit i wish it got more direct attention. Call me greedy.

I have talked about parts of my life with certain clients as if they were dear friends, allowed into the deepest darkest parts of my world. They are after all who i spend my time with. we have talked about my previous marriage, my divorce and my fear that i will fuck up and lose the wonderful man in my life. We talk about sex and food. Because everyone knows it is not ok to talk about politics and religion in the salon.

Most recently the conversations have been about my daughter living with my man and i and how it has put a huge wet blanket on my sex life. I had no idea that after 40 having your kid in the same house would make one so self conscious. But it looks like my love shack will be back in full swing soon. She is moving to her dads until her and the husband finish fixing things.

My life has been an open book. Some of the pages tarnished by bad decisions. some of them still blank. But all in all i like the story on them. It has been honest. Bleak and dark at times but it has more rainbow days recently. And i am hoping that the days of sunshine will out way the rainy ones as life goes on.
Thank you for sharing my journey, with all of its strange randomness.

the perfect wife

Men say the funniest things at the funniest moments.
This morning he uttered those words, perfect wife.
The word rolled off of his tongue like he was trying it out
tasting it to see if it were bitter or sweet
My face smiled but my heart cried.
I am not sure what that word means anymore.
The last time i was someones wife, well the word to him was prideful possession.
There was little tender love in it. It was a title, not a heartbeat
These days i feel the heartbeat of it. The soft sweetness of it.
But I am not sure who i am, or what i am.
I am the woman by his side, his girlfriend, companion, lover, friend.
He is my heart and my shining north star and my calm port in a storm
But there are not titles. Do we need them? Do we want them?
Yes, yes i do, i want to share his name as i share his bed.
I want to know the feeling of the word instead of it being simply the caption to a photo.
I want to say husband with love and tenderness instead of contempt and frustration.
I know it all is simply a matter of time. But when he says that word it makes my inner brat impatient.