This morning my stomach is tied up in knots. How can one moment send you back into the dark abyss of your past?
I know that was not the intent, but it was the outcome. A moment of passion and intimacy took a corner in my head and i was no longer his mate, his lover, his queen. I was just the closest piece around when he needed some thing to fuck. I don’t know why having him behind me in bed like that caused such a physical and emotional reaction like that in me, but it did. There was no connection, no bond. My broken little girl emerged and i was once again back in the dark recesses of my childhood when my stepdad had that itch he needed to scratch.

With all of my heart i know that my King has no idea of how i am feeling. And looking him in the eye to tell him only makes me feel sicker. He is so not that kind of man. He is sweet and kind and gentle and loving. And he would never want to make me feel like i do at this moment. The issue is not with him but with some darkness that still lurks in the recesses of my brain. And i have no idea when a moment will arise and trigger that.
I love this man and want to spend the rest of my days and nights with him. I just need to find the sunshine back in my messed us head and move forward out of this spot


  1. dievca said,

    October 8, 2014 at 3:55 pm

    Tell him and ask him to help you figure out a way to make that position beautiful enough to wipe out the memories. He will. Communicate.

    • loneyheart said,

      October 8, 2014 at 6:43 pm

      that is the greatest part of our relationship. We talk. And when i feel a little calmer he and i will sit down, hand in hand and talk it out. I am just still having a physical reaction to the emotional. I know that it happened because of an article i read yesterday. I know i should avoid things about sexual abuse. They trigger crap, but for some reason i thought i was tough enough to read the article. Obviously i was not.

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