sorting it out

you think that by the time you are 20 you know who you are. then you turn 40 and realize that you don’t because you have spent years trying to be what someone else wanted you to be. So you go on a journey and fill your head full of stuff. Mine was on a journey of domination and submission. I just knew it would be the answer. What i did was leave my head confused and full of questions. It is now the cause of struggle. Instead of simply being we are trying to find our place in those rolls. And it is hard because as humans, honest humans, we are BOTH. I want a way to turn of the thought process and simply curl up together and let desire take over. To touch each other as if it were the very first time and we wanted to learn what made the other person tick. To show them some of our signature moves and to ask, with calm confidence, what they want. To touch and ask if they like that. And to not be butt hurt when they say, NO. Do it like this. I do not know why we make something so beautiful and deeply connecting so damn difficult. Do we have so many old hang ups and so much pride that we have forgotten how to simply get LOST in another person? History molds us but it is the now the present that we need to get lost in. I wish we could have some selective amnesia. Go back and forget the moments in life that got in the way of happiness. I have a few i would choose to erase. Because my future is full of promise and love. And i will fight tooth and toenail to protect it from old demons.

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2 Comments

  1. dievca said,

    November 12, 2014 at 4:46 pm

    Why don’t you just have a conversation and decided what works for you two without labels?

    • loneyheart said,

      November 12, 2014 at 4:50 pm

      trust me we are. it is more than the labels. it is some history of child abuse and of abandonment by ex spouses on both sides. We have skittish moments. We let things creep in and spoil what could be, because we are afraid to have a repeat of what was. But i know we will be ok because we talk. We swear to full truth and honesty even when painful. Because you can fix nothing by ignoring it.


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