i wanted a mother..

what i got was a challenge

All of my life i wanted to be just like her and nothing like her.

She was always this mad mix of happy and playful and completely mad.

Life ran on a 3 day cycle. Those first 3 were great, the next 3 utter hell

I adored her with all of my being and yet i hated her

She did not have the strength to save me from the demons

She did not have the strength to save herself

Now i am older and have better tools in my tool box and still i can not take more than one short phone call

I have not seen her face in almost 21 years. But her voice is the same.

So are the lectures on how i should live my life

And what i did wrong. and how my brothers are not living up to their potential

There is never sunshine in her like there used to be

Any more there is only the dark and bitterness of a life not lived

She battles her demons and her choices

She morns the loss of her children, even though we are all still above ground

I sit back and look at photos of days past and remember when she would laugh

I wonder if she laughs now.

Time will tell, because it always does

But i pray that in the end of my days my daughter sees me with different eyes

and that she does not share the feelings i have now when i silently pray

Dear Lord, please do not let me turn into my Mother



  1. rougedmount said,

    March 18, 2015 at 8:42 pm

    i left the toxic relationship with my mother 2 years ago…and have been more peaceful for it. my only regret is that she could never be the woman, the mother i needed to grow. it’s taken many years to get to where i should have started at. i wish that you have peace

    • loneyheart said,

      March 18, 2015 at 8:48 pm

      I love her and know that she is incapable of change. So i take her in small doses. I am grateful that i learned how to NOT act. And i have built a great relationship with my daughter. It is just that some days i wish the world had been different. In some ways i realize that i am my mothers daughter. And all i can do is be aware and change what i need to so that i can be a better woman.

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