Boxes from mom

Rebuilding a broken relationship is hard. I left home at 24 with my then husband and my baby girl and never looked back. The family i came from was broken and all i wanted was a home filled with love and trust. Well that shit didn’t workout so well either. Now here i am staring 45 in the face and putting my life in order. I have the love of a good man and my baby girl is a grown woman. With my husbands support i am working on that old relationship with my mother. Some days it is a bit overwhelming. Today i got a box from mom. Mostly sunflower things she once had in her kitchen, now to live in mine. Funny how after years of not speaking we are so much alike in our tastes.

But in that box there were photos… memories of my early childhood. I forgot how beautiful my mom was. Before anger and life put black holes inside of her heart. In the days when she still believed in fairy tales and my stepfathers adoration of her. Before she had any idea what he was doing to me. In the days when i thought my younger brothers were precious. And before the words, ” you would be so pretty if only,,,, your weren’t so fat” had etched them self into my brain. I looked like a mini version of my mom with strawberry blond hair. I forgot my hair was ever that color. Now i know where my daughter got it from.

I stare at that photo and i am sad and angry. I can hear them both tell me how it was my fault that i was sexually abused because i was a sexual child. I look at that little girl and see sad eyes and a fake smile. I was 5 and smaller than my younger brother. Not everything from those days were bad. Not everything from the years that followed was bad either. But everything is colored by your earliest years.

I avoided my sensual, sexual side for a long time because i saw it as bad. I am grateful that i have grown and have this man in my life who, without trying to, has helped me embrace my sensuality. I love being a woman who knows her wants and desires and feels free to express them. And who, with his help, sees her mother not as the enemy, but as a human woman full of flaws and love. No my mom is not perfect. Her childhood damage marred her too. But she had strength in places i lacked. And i am stronger and wiser than i once thought.

I raised a daughter to be strong and confident. And one day she will look back at photos and marvel at how much she looks like her mom too. And hopefully have fond memories of the days when she was little and life was different.

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Off

he misses nothing. Even when i am not sure of anything he sees it. Today i am just off. I am unclear as to why. Maybe the phone call to my mom. The reality of how many years i have missed and that my childhood home is gone. sold off in pieces to people who had no love for what was there. Maybe it is the fact that i am staring down another birthday and this one feels a bit daunting for some reason. Todays aches and pains make me feel OLD.  My emotions as of late have been like a roller coaster. Being able to see my name linked to his in tangible ways has made me feel that attachment even stronger.  The last 3 weeks i wake up every day with a deeper calm and stronger love. This is a feeling that i never knew existed and it nearly brings me to tears of joy. So i am going to just breath through this day. Pray that my aching body and fingers give me a break. And i am going to take joy in the fact that i am loved in ways i did not know existed by a man who calls me His Queen.

a different woman

i realized that i had not been here in a long time. I realized that i had not been HER in a long time either. The woman who began writing in this place. She was a broken mess trying to find someone. What she found was, who she was NOT, and who she really WAS.

And yes she found someone too. Not just anyone, but that man who loved her flaws and all and did not wish to change a single one. The man who loved her above everything else in his world and proved it day after day.

I know now that i tend to NEED to write when my life is falling apart at the seams. It is the processing of the pain. I love writing fantasy and luscious smut. But these days i am living it instead of writing it. I found my equal, my partner, the one who helps me live my fantasies in the middle of reality. There is no judgement or lack of trust. It is heaven. Hard to believe but life is as perfect as it can be.

I married my King on the 15th in a ceremony that was truly US. Our bowling alley wedding was, as our friends have said, the most romantic they have ever been to. Every line of the ceremony was OURS. Written by us, officiated by a dear friend, witnessed by family and friends and celebrated it high heeled bowling shoes under hand made decorations. In a word PERFECT.

I know that life will have its moments of trial.But with this man at my side, calling me his QUEEN every day i know that we will make it.

I am not sure when i will feel the need to write again. I hope to continue writing from a place of love and joy. But know that i am happy, and blessed and loved, and that is all this woman needs.156