3 years

Today makes 3 years that i have been here writing my soul out. I have grown and changed so much. I am grateful for those of you who have shared this journey. To the people who have come and gone from my life in that time. Everyone has been there for me to learn very important lessons from. I have had some very low  lows and some wicked highs but i needed everyone of them. Thank you all for being there on this journey and for sharing your moments with me. You have all helped me learn and that is after all what life is about.

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figuring out who i am

It seems like i am always in this state of flux. trying to figure out who i am. Growing up i was the good girl. I did as i was told. Never disappointing the grownups in my life. Then i married and was was the good and steady wife. But i still felt like the child. The only time i felt like the grown up was at work. That was my world, the business i built. But let someone with the slightest bit of authority walk in and i became the small and silent one again.

Through the time of my divorce i was defiant and wild and it was fun but uncomfortable in some ways. She was a tart and i was not fond of my slutty side. I needed balance. Some way to be sexy and sassy and confident without being the town trollop.

These days i am calmer and more focused and content. I am happy, but i still find that confidence is a thin shell. Some days i feel beautiful and sexy. My king is always there with a compliment. But it does not take much to make the shell crack and me to be standing there with my head down wondering who ran off with my sexy. I have an insecurity level that is off the charts.

It seems some days that the harder i try the worse it all gets. I try to wrangle all of life’s little ducks into a row and the darn things wonder off to the nearest mud puddle instead of waiting for me to lead them to the lush pond of life. I am learning. Learning to let go. A lesson that is so hard for me. Life has been about measured control. Always behaving Properly. Acting like a lady. Being respectable.

But i need to find the place where i can just let go. Surrender all of my defiant will to him. Every day gets me one step  closer. I lack the words to tell him how much he means to me. How he as affected my life in the most positive of ways. The little things he does just because that is who he is. My heart swells at the thought of him. My knees weaken at the simple memory of last nights kiss. My flesh marked with tender spots and faint bruises from the passion of our love making.

When i was single i carried myself like a woman on the hunt. I had a confident swagger that was all bravado and very little substance. These days i am searching for the balance between wife and lover and confident business woman and the wanton harlot that lives inside. I want him to always want me. I want to see that look in his eyes that is half pride and half killer desire. I never want to fall into the lack luster space where so many women fall. I want to Let go but never let myself go. I want to earn the title of HIS QUEEN every day for the rest of my life.

So i guess in all reality i am not figuring out who i am. I know who i am. I am just trying to figure out how to keep all of the pieces of me held together in one saucy package. Do they have glitter covered duct tape? Because you never know when a girl is going to need a piece of sticky sparkle to hold together a seam that is daring to come undone.

sex with your clothes on

The universe declared that i had to write about this today.

Getting ready for work i watched the promo for the movie Burnt

Driving to work i head the song Shut up and dance with me

The morning news had a piece on food calling it an oral orgasm

My husband last night said he needed a snack, I laughed and told him one was in bed.

His declaration, You are always horny, My rebuttal, You are always hungry.

They go together.

Food and dancing are Sex with your clothes on.

They awaken the senses, they inspire movement and kick your body into overdrive.

A meal in a good restaurant can be wonderful and inspiring. But a meal cooked at home from a place of love can inspire desire in amazing ways. Especially if you cook in high heels and a mini skirt. The aroma and the textures and taking the time to make it look pretty are a few of the things that make your mate know the depth of your love for them. And will cause the desired response.

Yes food is sensual and Yes it makes me horny. Thank God he loves my wicked curves.

Now, the dancing part.

We are all visual creatures, Men more so than women. And you can not watch a persons body move to the rhythm of the music and not visualize more intimate situations. Add a dance floor filled with sweaty bodies and the close proximity of two human beings and you have vertical sex.

There is the anticipation that comes from all of the above. The smells and sounds and heat that build the want. The fact that often these happen in public so you must practice restraint. Which only builds the want even more. People who dance and cook are some of the most sexual beings on this earth. Because they know the power of sensual things.

So I think i need to go home and crank the music, put on the cute outfit, YES the heels, And fill the kitchen with wonderful aroma. And see if i can have some sex with my clothes on that leads to sex with nothing on but those shoes. And maybe some chocolate sauce for desert.

Sex Is Brainier for Women

amazing information. helps me understand some of my own emotions even better. I am a truly emotional and sexually bonded woman.

Smitten with Him

I haven’t mentioned it yet here, but I have been doing a considerable amount of “romping around” over the past few weeks. The only time I’ve mentioned it here was to vent about being frustrated that guys are wimpy and flaky and they can’t handle me.

Well, Mitch and Azi are back (Mitch was never really out of the picture, I just haven’t been writing about him – I will very soon, I promise).

And there is a new guy I met on Tinder: Alaska. I will tell you more about him next week… 😉

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questionable decisions

i wake up before he does every day. The sound of him breathing brings smiles and anxiety. I feel so blessed to be the woman next to him and yet i hear every breath as a ticking time bomb. Today was one of those rattling days. They have been getting more frequent. I hear the gurgle in his breath, the wet sound in his chest and my smile turns to fear and acceptance. He has been smoking for over half of his life. He has quit and started many times over. And i know it will take him from me long before i am ready to let go.

Yes i have smoked too. It was my crutch during my divorce. It is the thing i turn to when i am stressed out beyond words. But those are rare occasions in my life these days. This morning i made a decision…. If you can’t beat em, Join em…We are going to go out in a flaming blaze of cigarette smoke and ash together. I don’t want to live forever, and i don’t want one day past his last either. This man is my very soul. And if i am going to lose him before i am ready then i am going to make damn sure that i don’t last to far past his time on this earth.

I write these words and i can hear my own brain scream at me… IDIOT…. But my heart will win this battle. I would rather die with him than live without him. So here i go… one puff at a time into the abyss.

Just some things I’m feeling

So needed this today. Thank you for sharing your heart with us

My journey thru life

Have been collecting these over the last few days & just felt like sharing.  Is picture heavy so using the split for once *grins*

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24 hours

What a difference 24 hours can make.Yesterday my had was in some negative space. I am not sure exactly why, but i felt like i was a failure. Living in some limbo land of fear that i would never get it RIGHT.

Today i have had a good nights sleep and some time with my King. I have heard his praise and felt the gentleness of his touch and heart. And while i know i am still going to get things wrong, i know together we will get much more right.

It is wild to me how hard it is to let go of old insecurities. To stop letting the past creep in and try to muck up your happy. How in your fear to not repeat past mistakes you beat yourself over the head and make all new ones. It tromps my self confidence. And i am the only one doing it. I am the one causing the mental wounds.

I have never been loved this deeply and some days it freaks me out. But i am determined to enjoy it and to embrace this amazing future.