questionable decisions

i wake up before he does every day. The sound of him breathing brings smiles and anxiety. I feel so blessed to be the woman next to him and yet i hear every breath as a ticking time bomb. Today was one of those rattling days. They have been getting more frequent. I hear the gurgle in his breath, the wet sound in his chest and my smile turns to fear and acceptance. He has been smoking for over half of his life. He has quit and started many times over. And i know it will take him from me long before i am ready to let go.

Yes i have smoked too. It was my crutch during my divorce. It is the thing i turn to when i am stressed out beyond words. But those are rare occasions in my life these days. This morning i made a decision…. If you can’t beat em, Join em…We are going to go out in a flaming blaze of cigarette smoke and ash together. I don’t want to live forever, and i don’t want one day past his last either. This man is my very soul. And if i am going to lose him before i am ready then i am going to make damn sure that i don’t last to far past his time on this earth.

I write these words and i can hear my own brain scream at me… IDIOT…. But my heart will win this battle. I would rather die with him than live without him. So here i go… one puff at a time into the abyss.

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5 Comments

  1. Liz McCown said,

    October 9, 2015 at 3:00 pm

    NOOOO…please don’t start back up…. I’m going on 2 years smoke free…and my husband sounds just like your’s… i love my husband too…but think about those who will have to take care of you when you can no longer care for yourself…. it’s selfish to do that to our loved ones.

    • loneyheart said,

      October 9, 2015 at 3:45 pm

      i know. And in the end i will probably do what i always do. Buy a pack smoke 4 and feel like shit for a week then stop. My body hates it. In fact my ears hurt most of the time from his second hand smoke. But today, listening to him in the dark made my heart hurt like it has never hurt before.

  2. dievca said,

    October 9, 2015 at 3:22 pm

    Umph…that is a very questionable decision…

    • loneyheart said,

      October 12, 2015 at 10:07 pm

      life happened just as i expected. I bought my pack and smoked like a freight train and got sick as hell. My darling king read my post and is battling some serious emotions. But life is ok. The pack is gone and i will not be going there again. And with loving support one day he will leave those darn cancer sticks behind as well. Sometimes we have to learn lessons the hard way.

      • dievca said,

        October 13, 2015 at 10:09 am

        XO, love and strength to you and yours.


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