figuring out who i am

It seems like i am always in this state of flux. trying to figure out who i am. Growing up i was the good girl. I did as i was told. Never disappointing the grownups in my life. Then i married and was was the good and steady wife. But i still felt like the child. The only time i felt like the grown up was at work. That was my world, the business i built. But let someone with the slightest bit of authority walk in and i became the small and silent one again.

Through the time of my divorce i was defiant and wild and it was fun but uncomfortable in some ways. She was a tart and i was not fond of my slutty side. I needed balance. Some way to be sexy and sassy and confident without being the town trollop.

These days i am calmer and more focused and content. I am happy, but i still find that confidence is a thin shell. Some days i feel beautiful and sexy. My king is always there with a compliment. But it does not take much to make the shell crack and me to be standing there with my head down wondering who ran off with my sexy. I have an insecurity level that is off the charts.

It seems some days that the harder i try the worse it all gets. I try to wrangle all of life’s little ducks into a row and the darn things wonder off to the nearest mud puddle instead of waiting for me to lead them to the lush pond of life. I am learning. Learning to let go. A lesson that is so hard for me. Life has been about measured control. Always behaving Properly. Acting like a lady. Being respectable.

But i need to find the place where i can just let go. Surrender all of my defiant will to him. Every day gets me one step  closer. I lack the words to tell him how much he means to me. How he as affected my life in the most positive of ways. The little things he does just because that is who he is. My heart swells at the thought of him. My knees weaken at the simple memory of last nights kiss. My flesh marked with tender spots and faint bruises from the passion of our love making.

When i was single i carried myself like a woman on the hunt. I had a confident swagger that was all bravado and very little substance. These days i am searching for the balance between wife and lover and confident business woman and the wanton harlot that lives inside. I want him to always want me. I want to see that look in his eyes that is half pride and half killer desire. I never want to fall into the lack luster space where so many women fall. I want to Let go but never let myself go. I want to earn the title of HIS QUEEN every day for the rest of my life.

So i guess in all reality i am not figuring out who i am. I know who i am. I am just trying to figure out how to keep all of the pieces of me held together in one saucy package. Do they have glitter covered duct tape? Because you never know when a girl is going to need a piece of sticky sparkle to hold together a seam that is daring to come undone.

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2 Comments

  1. dievca said,

    October 29, 2015 at 7:12 pm

    You can be more than one version of yourself. It’s allowed. Just be who you are comfortable with and allow yourself to grow. XO

    • loneyheart said,

      October 29, 2015 at 11:01 pm

      this is the best time in my life. I am comfortable in my own skin. My life is in good balance. I feel loved and cherished and valued as a teammate. It is some of my old issues that i am struggling with. I have always been a control freak. I had none in my child hood and little during my first marriage. Now i struggle to surrender that control in intimate moments with my king. And i so want to. I am learning that i can be enough for someone else. That my flaws are what he finds perfect. Life is truly about that growth and that peace. With him by my side i will find it and revel in it.


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