Riding my own rollercoaster

I am beginning to think i think to much. I am a worrier. Not about life in general. The weather is what it is. People are who they are. But i worry about being a good wife. And i swear that the harder i try the more i muck it up. I worry about being a good mom and i know that sometimes i do to much. Work has these wild swings going on and i panic. It’s a new year and i am facing the taxes again and am in a full blown panic. I have not paid off the bill from last year. Not from a lack of trying but there were some extra expenses this year. I will get it though.  I need to get my home in order because the chaos is a struggle for my sanity. I need order and balance. Things need a place for my calm to function. I want to be able to invite the family over for dinner. All of our wonderful loving family. I have some minor health issues going on and i need to stop trying to handle it myself. I have family that cares and i need to stop acting like i am alone. I am far from alone.

I wonder if anyone else has felt this way. You wake up in the morning and feel blessed beyond your worth. I have this man who is now my husband who is beyond good. He is kind and loving and caring and giving to a fault. He and his (our) family made Christmas wonderful for my daughter. They have shown love and kindness above any expectation. I am struggling to let go of my fear. Fear that i will not be enough. I keep battling old patterns and old demons. They have no place in this life. But old habits die hard. I had a moment the other day when i lost it. I sat in my home and dared to mentally compare the ex and his complete disinterest in finishing our home with my current and the current state of disarray. I had a moment of doubt. But why. These two are totally different. One was selfish and would not complete our home because his money went to his toys.  This one tries hard to only make me happy. And i know that in time we will have all that he has promised me. why do i lack patience? It is my fear. Fear that i will blindly follow because i hear the words i want to hear. And that i will calmly accept those words without action. But that is not the fault or flaw of my partner. That is MY flaw.

See i think to much. My heart knows my truth. I love my king and he loves me like i have never been loved before. I need to PRACTICE PATIENCE. And it is hard. I realize that it is because for years i had nothing. And now i want it all. Like a spoiled child i want all that i see is possible. But the cold hard fact is that if i do not calm the fuck down i will lose it because i will have driven him away. I need to trust in this TEAM WORK thing. And in his honesty and truth. And i need to be just as honest and truthful with him.

But mostly i just need to go home to his arms and be kissed. Long and sweet and hard and to feel that hunger. Because everything in this world is better when he kisses me.




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