Holes/ Whole

Sometimes you learn something that makes you just stop dead in your tracks. You sit there and shake your head and if you are lucky you will break out in a huge smile and feel blessed beyond words. That recently happened to me. Here is the long story made as short as possible.

I married at 19. stayed that way for 24 years. It ended and we both moved on. I met and married the man who makes me smile and laugh and feel like a freakin goddess every day.

But despite the joy i have had this nagging voice in my head. It  kept asking what went wrong the first time? How did i mess it up? And how can i keep from messing it up again?

My daughter mentioned in a conversation that her dad, who is dating a nice woman, Said that he finally knew what it felt like to look at a person and really be attracted to them. To want to be with them. At first i was hurt. Had he never felt for me what i had for him? But i came to understand that No he had not, and that it was ok. He had never been in love with me but in love with the idea of a wife and family. I was his first ever and he was 27 when we married.  Yes he was a 27 yr old virgin living with his parents. Think that over for a second.

I felt this sense of letting go. What ever happened then had no bearing on the here and now because NOW i am loved. Truly deeply and honestly loved. I am with a man who wants to spend his days and nights with me. Who wants to share a life with me. Who will talk to me as his partner, his equal, his friend.

That was moment number one.

The second came this morning. I had to go out of town to get my car serviced. Normally this is a treat for me because i get to go to a BIG town and do some shopping.  When the car was done i sat there and was trying to decide where to go next. I have a wallet with store cards that have NO balance. I could of gone and done some serious damage. But in that moment I realized that i had no Want to go Spend. I shopped in the past to fill a HOLE. The empty space that came from a life that was not Full. So instead of hitting the shops i returned to town and took my daughter to lunch.

You see… my life is now WHOLE. There is no empty space in it. It is full of love and laughter and friends and family. I am happy in myself. In this not so perfect skin. I have all that i could ever want and need in this life and in those around me. It is not STUFF  that fills the empty spaces because there are no longer EMPTY SPACES.

I hope that everyone can find this moment when you no longer have HOLES  and find that you are indeed WHOLE.

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2 Comments

  1. Kate Spyder said,

    January 22, 2016 at 8:12 pm

    I am so happy for you. 🙂

  2. rougedmount said,

    January 23, 2016 at 4:42 am

    you have no idea how much this warms my heart


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