Family is not blood, but heart.

That being said, my heart hurts. I tried to open up the relationship with my mom. For 20 years i kept a wall up. Twice my mom chose abusive men over protecting me. So when my daughter was born i choose to protect her. I was no angel. I coped with my abuse in the wrong way and hurt other people in doing so. I will never forgive myself for the things i did. But i do own up to them. I do not lie about them or hide them but i will not ever take responsibility for things i did not do.

When i was a young girl my step dad called my mom Donna Jr. after her mom. Today i saw it in all of it’s glory. I got a hateful phone call from one of my brothers. I was at a loss as to why he was so angry. I called mom to ask for some enlightenment. I got it. Like our grandmother before her she had turned an innocent comment into a war zone between her kids.

The three of us rarely speak. She has pitted us against each other through lies and hate. I hope that in the end we find peace but i do not see it happening. My brother decided to come by and tell me face to face that he never wanted anything to do with me. That i had caused all of the trouble and he was done.

Mom informed me that i could never expect to return to our home town to live because i was a marked harlot and child abuser. It seems i had quite a child hood. Hard to imagine because i was 19 when i married and was never allowed out of their eyesite unless we were at school.

I am worn to the core. My mother is bitter and angry and dealing with her own choices. She is trying to make final peace with her mom. A relationship based of abuse and violence. My mothers second husband of 40 years has alzeheimers. And her life is not what she wanted. But she has pushed us all away to the point that she is truly on her own. A moment of one reaping what they sow.

I have family. they are full of love and kindness and try hard to keep that strong family unit. they believe that family is blood and heart. I have begged for forgiveness for my sins. But i will not grovel at my mothers feet asking her to love me or to forgive me.

I wish my brother  all of the best in this world. It is all i can do. Let go, Let God, and be free from that which i can not change. I just pray that in the years to come my own daughter never has  to feel this way about me. I have to be better, to do better. To be the mother i did not have.

For now i am going to take a deep breath and just let it all go.

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