Trying to breath

There are moments in life when you realize just how deeply you love someone. Just how precious they are to your being. I have been married before and faced some serious health crisis with the ex. I was always calm and level headed. I handled the situation like a pro.  I have determined that i did not deeply love that man, and here is why.

My king has a genetic blood disorder. It is best described this way… He has to much iron in his blood. His body does not process it like other people. The excess iron stays in your organs and joints and you essentially rust from the inside out. It is easily treated and managed through regular blood draws and diet management. So we have him scheduled for his first draw today.

Yesterday i was managing phone calls from the dr., the lab, and my king. The orders where not written correctly so i am still battling them to get that corrected. In the mean time i get a phone call that leveled me. A referral to the Cancer Treatment Center. No explanation as to why. I spent the next 2 hours waiting on the Dr. office to call me back to let me know the why. As it turns out that is where the hematologist is. I spent to long terrified that they were not telling us something.

Thanks to this new lovely health care system we have, General practitioners are are forced to send you to a specialist for every thing. Dr. offices are overloaded and can not give the kind of heartfelt care they once were able to do. They have multiple people working on your stuff so no one can give you a simple and direct answer.

At this moment i have slept very little. I have cried a lot. I am getting angrier by the moment waiting on people to do their jobs so that my king can get well. I have lived in devastating fear of losing him because some idiot called me with only part of the information necessary. I have been on the phone with his grandmother trying my best to calm her down. But i am reaching a point where someone is going to get yelled at. They are messing with the wrong red head.

I do not want to live in this world without my king. He as filled this life with love that never existed before. Yesterday evening he told me that were something to happen i needed to know that he loved me every day with every piece of himself. I have never been loved as this man loves me. And i have never loved as i love him.

My inner badger is trying hard to not show her claws and her teeth. I am fierce when it comes to protecting those i love. Our first anniversary is 17 days away. I want it to be filled with joy and love. Not this gut wrenching stress, not worry, not fear.

All i can say is that my phone better ring soon. And someone had better have some answers or i am getting in my car and driving down there. They do not want to see the wrath that will come when this girl lets the badger loose. Yes i am an Irish girl with a wicked inner Native american totem animal and red hair to boot. I am not someone you want to piss off.

Breath…. just breath. I guess this is one of those moments where my King reminds me to PRACTICE PATIENCE.

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My Gentle Dom

When we met there was not a lot of conversation about Sub/Dom. But it was something i had studied and played in over the course of the previous year. I spent a lot of time on line being curious. I had an on line Master relationship that in many ways helped to explain things to me that i had never understood. I am a sub. I derive great joy from making those in my life that i care about HAPPY.  I am a natural born nurturer.  I love to give and do, sometimes to my own physical and financial detriment.

The first time my king made love to me i knew he was a Dom. Not in the way i had known before. He was gentle in his direction. It was natural to him. Later in conversations he balked at the notion that he was a Dom. IN his mind that meant being a controlling ASS. But that is not the case. IN our world he makes request of me. There are certain ways he likes things to be. He is physically in control when we are having sex or play. We do have moments of SWITCH life, but even then he is still in control. He is clear on his wants and desires and i do my best to fulfill them. I do not get to choose when i want a bend over husband. He decides when that is something he wants and i am more than eager to give him that which he physically craves.

He told me that i make his life easier, happier. And that he wondered what it was he did for me. Well that is easy. He gives me balance and peace. His gentle dominance is my safe place. I know in every  moment of my life that i am loved and desired and cherished. He messages me daily to check on how my day is going. He lets me know privately and pubicly that i am his queen and that he loves me. He never misses a chance to hold my hand or smack my ass. Those little actions mean the world to this submissive girl. They are outward signs of his dominance. I belong to him and everyone knows it. I am not seen as weak or frail or timid. Our friends know i am self reliant and strong, but they also know that my King is the BOSS. And that knowledge thrills me.

I know that our life will shift and change over time. But i know too that his Gentle Dominance will grow and that he will finally understand what he brings to my life. Anything that he asks of me i happily give. I love you my King. And as our Anniversary date draws near i only feel this deeper love and attachment to you and to our life.

Team mates

The temperature in the bowling ally was warm but her nipples were still rock hard and showing through her white T shirt. I really was enjoying the view, and i knew he was too. She had a few years on me but she had held together very well. Full rounded breast that you know would feel heavy in your hand. And lord those nipples. They always seemed to be parading proudly. Of course My king would be admiring her POCKETS. I always get a kick out of it when he tells me how nice some woman’s pockets are. He is such an ass man.

All weekend long we shared stolen looks at her and spoke naughty words of admiration to each other. I love how she was something he wanted before i came along. And how i would love to give her to him now. By the time we got home on Sunday night we were both exhausted from the tournament. That was a lot of alley time. But we were both also bursting with pride in the others accomplishments. It make me as horny as hell to watch him. Such swagger and confidence. And then there were those kisses. Standing in the smoke room in front of everyone he had me backed against the wall. He can kiss me in a way that is so soft and yet so full of hunger. I lose all sense of time in those kisses. And when he backs up and tells me to be patient or to behave, well i am completely gone. He is after all the King of my world.

I am still finding it hard to have some of those dirty conversations with him. It is something i am working on because it turns us both on so much. To be able to ask him what he wants to do to her. To be able to share with him the naughty fantasies. How i would love to spend time discovering how to make her climax hard so that she asks for it again. How i would love to just have him there to watch and tell her how big his cock is. To make he wonder until she asks to see it. To see the hunger in her eyes when he finally reveals it. And to see her on her knees trying to take it all in her hungry mouth.

Our poor couch took some abuse. He makes me so wet from desire it is hard to not drag him off to bed where there is more room. But half of the fun it trying to stay on the furniture and not lose that amazing rhythm.

One of these days i will give my king what we both want. It may not be our curvy teammate. But i love that man with all of my heart and i will fulfill both of our desires in time. Who know, Reno is just around the corner. Life could get even more fun.

Outta Sorts? Let Daddy Take Care Of It – Becoming a Babygirl — LifestyleGambler

Yesterday i wrote about being out of sorts. my head wasn’t in the right place. i couldn’t focus, was on the verge of tears, and didn’t get anything accomplished. i mentioned the empathy i was feeling for K and how her feelings had transferred to me. Strange phenomenon, let me tell you. Last night, i […] […]

via Outta Sorts? Let Daddy Take Care Of It – Becoming a Babygirl — LifestyleGambler

panic…

The last couple of months i have been waking up with panic attacks. They can last a few minutes or several hours. My gut is in knots, my heart racing, my body temp raising through the roof. I have spent countless hours in tears trying to grasp what is going on. It has made no sense to me because my life is wonderful. It is filled with love and support and joy beyond measure. So this has left me worried and upset.

Slowly there are some things that are making sense. First of all MENOPAUSE.. Part of the body reaction is the wicked hormones. That is just a part of life and i will learn to manage the symptoms. So lay off the coffee and the bread and get more rest when possible. Eat a healthier diet and remember that it’s ok to help my body along this journey.

The hard part of this is difficult for me to grasp and explain… I want to give up my 25 year career. I have always said that when you no longer love what you do, you should quit. And i have not loved my job for some time. I have spent the last 10 years alone in my salon. There has been no fire, no inspiration. I have become one of THOSE hairdressers. I have tried to find my passion back. But to no avail.

And i have wondered why? Why do i feel like this?  And while i am beginning to grasp the WHY i am terrified of giving it up. I do not want people to think i failed. I do not want the wonderful man in my life to think i quit, or gave up. I do not want him to think less of me. And i know how much he hates CHANGE. And this would be a huge change. I am beginning to understand the reality of what stress does to a body. That the stress of being self employed has been eating me up. That i spend more time worrying about how i am going to pay the bill than i do on honing my skills.

And here is the other thing that keeps rolling around in my stressed out brain. I started this career when i was 20 years old. My ex husband paid my way through school. I struggled to build a career and a business that in the end he despised. I feel like part of my life is stuck in this place. I want to let go of ALL of my past and move forward into this great new life i have been given. I do not know how it will happen. I do know that it will not be easy. I need to find new joy and that leaving behind some of my clients will be hard. Some have been with me for almost 20 years. But i have rescheduled my life around them for a long time.I have given up family time for them. Changed vacation times for them. I want and need to focus forward.

For now i am breathing deeply trying to keep the next panic attack at bay. Praying that there is deep understanding and acceptance in my life. That my family and friends and clients will understand that i need to let go. That 25 years of my life behind this chair has cost me much including my health. My body hates me for the damage that has been done. My joints hurt all of the time from the repetitive movements. I am terrified. I feel the tremors inside of me. I feel the tears well up and i fight them back. I do not want to panic any more.

Jean…

I am a hairdresser by trade. 24 years behind the chair. In those years thousands of people have sat in my chair, shared their lives with me, their stories. They have shared my life, watched my daughter grow. Seen love come and go from my life. But few have held the place that Jean does. Born in 1919 ( maybe) she was the daughter of a white woman and a native american father. Suffice it to say her life is an amazing novel of tragedy and triumph. She has the heart of a warrior, honest to a fault and stronger than almost anyone. Now in her late 90’s she is once again facing a challenge that she should never be facing. Abandon by her lover of 25 years she is being forced from her home and into a senior facility. I am angry and sad. i love this dear woman. She sat in my chair for the last time today. It was bitter sweet. My daughter stopped by for lunch and instead of eating sat and held Jeans hand. They talked about love and life and loss. It made me proud to be her mom. The weather seems to share my feelings. It is cold and rainy outside. At least i can step outside and mother nature will hide my tears.

Challenges of my Cougar Life

He is hot. Smoking hot, mind melting hot. Standing there last night with no shirt on his dress slacks open with just a hint of his ripped abs and cum gutters with pubs showing made me hungry. The shitter was the evening had been very emotional. And when that happens my body just checks out. Wet happened, very wet but that big O was no where in site.

Being over 40 and peri menopousal is a bitch. Sometimes my body goes on vacation. My husband is amazing. Always trying to care for me first. Lord i nearly lost it when he looked at me with those smoldering eyes and informed me that he was about to put his cock in me, that he needed me to cum because he need to cum in me. But alas this bitch of a body failed me, failed us.

He is my everything. Never in this life have i felt so connected to someone. mentally emotionally and physically. I just wish my hormones would play fair. To bad i wasted years of my life in a marriage where i was not wanted and could climax in an instant. Now i have a wonderful man who wants this cougar and things just take forever to hit the boiling point. I am about to take something, anything. I need this man, I love this man, and i want us to be satisfied together.

Grrrr. Today i am just in the wrong mood.

Sorting out the Sub/Dom rolls in my life

Towards the end of my 1st marriage i explored a lot on line. I had lived a very sheltered life in many ways. In others my world was fucked up. There was sexual abuse in my childhood and a sexually absent husband in my life. I was confused and curious. I played at being a sub and a dom as well as exploring my bisexuality. I love sex. I love the playfulness that it can have as well as the seedier sides of it. I am a voyeur as well as an exhibitionist. I find no real shame in sensuality or sexuality as long as everyone is open and honest in what they expect.

With all of that being said this is where my brain is at in the moment.

I have figured out why i seem to gravitate to being a sub or more specifically a ‘LITTLE”

My entire life i was raised as if i were already an adult. Responsibility was drilled into my head. From early on I remember the phrase. ” She who does not work does not eat” or ” If you are not going to do it right, don’t bother to do it at all”  I married an older man with delusions of a white picket fence and me staying home to raise a garden and happy children. What i got was NOT that. I worked my butt off out side of the home, I built a career and made good money. I thought i was doing something great. In the end, the reality was ,I had a broken marriage and a man who hated my job.

Time went on and i was blessed to find a man who understood so much of my hidden self. I was able to be open and honest. But it did not answer why i acted the way i do. I am beginning to grasp why and it is eye opening. I battle two very polar opposite sides. There is the MOMMY. I raised my brothers to some degree. Our mom battles mental illness. I went to school and cooked at home and cleaned and did hard work on the ranch. I have always been bossy. I expect people to DO not just SAY.I drive people nuts because i take over things as if they were small children incapable of doing a job. And then i get miffed at them for making me be the adult.  It is a side effect of my raising. But that raising also made me A LITTLE. I now find myself trying to live with these two very different sides.

The little in me is sick of being forced to be an adult. She wants to be taken care of, to be nurtured and cared for. She does not want to make a decision but simply wants to be gently directed. To be praised for her actions. To be loved without question. It is a struggle and i have no easy answer for it. It seems that balance in life is my on going lesson. Thankfully i am blessed to have a wonderful husband who sees and understands. This great loving man who is beginning to understand the bossy Mommy in me as well as the needy LITTLE  in me.

Every day is a challenge. But i know that with him by my side things will be ok. That he will help me find OUR BALANCE. That we can find ways to nurture both of our intimate and emotional needs. That we can find our own playground and enjoy all of our Sub/Dom  sides and we will continue to play and grow together.

expression

Every day i learn something. Today has been a good one and its only 9 am.

It started with an article. I am going to post it and then talk about it. So here goes.

How the Emotionally Broken Man loves Differently

Expectations. He wants to be what he imagines men ought to be, but it never works out the way he hopes. Being a man isn’t about being tough, and that’s something he struggles with constantly. If he shows his weaknesses in a relationship, he feels as though it reflects poorly on him as a person.

Weakness. When he feels himself falling apart, his disappointment in himself makes it even worse. Instead of trying to deal with his problems, he battles with them. They eat at him, and he never allows himself to find a remedy. It’s overwhelming, to say the least. He could find solace in the person he loves, but he’s afraid of how they might react. He’s afraid he’ll let them down.

The masculinity factor. He wants people to think highly of him. He wants to be looked up to and feel as though he can manage himself as well as he believes he should. To him, his weaknesses are his emotions — but he’s so wrong. The truth is the contrary. His emotions, if he’d ever just embrace them, are what could make him the man he never believes he could ever be

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The loneliness. Even when he tries to seem as though he’s got himself together, he’s not. He’s alone. He feels as though he’s battling himself constantly. No matter what he does, he can never escape. If he could open up to the person he loves, this fear can be tempered — but he never does.
 He cares, but keeps it to himself. There are so many things he wishes he could say to the person he loves, but he tends to hold them back. Just the thought of embracing his emotional side can make him feel worse about himself. It’s a terrible cycle that is constantly eating away at him
The bitter self-awareness. Everything he does, everything he says, it’s all scripted in a way. He doesn’t want to show a side of him that is too emotional. Just the fact that he has this emotional side bothers him. Sometimes, he’d rather just tear it all up and throw it away. He would if he could.
Afraid. He’s afraid that his significant other doesn’t feel as though he can handle himself in the way that he assumes men ought to. Everyday, he feels like he’s letting himself down. He wants to be tough, he wants to control himself, he wants to feel detached from his feelings — but he’s stuck the way he is. These feelings are perfectly normal, but that isn’t how he feels.
Heart. At his core, he’s got a lot to offer. When he loves someone, he is willing to hold onto their heart and keep it protected. But his own? He keeps it guarded. He keeps it locked away where no one can find it. He’d let it free if he knew that he could control it, but he’s human and therefore he can’t. This is a fact he’s afraid of accepting.
What he deserves. He doesn’t feel as though he deserves the kind of love that partners are willing to offer. He’s given up on himself. There’s still a chance that he get himself back — there always is — but he’s avoiding it for now. It’s all very tiring, but he believes it to be necessary. Passion is for a chosen few, and certainly not for him
The past and the present. He’s been hurt before, he’s been broken — it shows. He tries not to let it show, but it does. As a man, he feels as though he needs to just endure. He’ll be a protector as well as he can try, but he’s never aware of the fact that it’s him who needs protecting.
The mask. He wants to be the kind of guy who has everything together. What he fails to realize is that this person doesn’t exist. No one has everything together, they’re just good at hiding it. He will give everything he can, but never to himself. If he’s not careful, it can eventually drown him.
Good enough. He hardly ever believes he’ll be good enough. Whether that’s referring to love or friendship or his career, he’ll always come second to the guy in front of him. That’s just how he sees the world. He defeats himself before ever giving himself a chance.
Cold souls. Despite his cold soul, there’s warmth to him. When you know despair, you understand the importance of softening it. He may never attempt to help himself, but he will always be a shoulder to lean or cry on and always someone who will be emotionally available.

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The core. At his core, there is genuine love. Genuine passion. Genuine spirit. The world may have been cruel to him, but he won’t cruel back to the world. He’s better than that. And when he’s in love, he portrays that part of himself threefold

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Fixable. When it comes to a man who’s been emotionally broken, he’s not too far gone. He’s not past fixing. He’s human, and therefore, even at his worst, his best has potential. He can get through whatever he needs to get through, and sometimes it’s the person he loves that stands the best chance at helping him get there
I read this and it made my heart ache. I know this man. I married this man. It is his broken wonderful self that drew me to him. This man who gives of himself without thought. He brings smiles to everyone and can not see how that makes him wonderful. He draws out the good in others and yet can not see the good in himself. He took my heart that was not functioning at all and brought it back to life. I have told him from the beginning that i could see into the very depths of him and knew he was filled with wonderfulness. All of his “weakness or Venerability” to me is the sexiest thing on this earth. He is not cold and shut off from his heart. He is a walking example of what a real man should be. I am grateful that he is my King and I his Queen.