Sorting out the Sub/Dom rolls in my life

Towards the end of my 1st marriage i explored a lot on line. I had lived a very sheltered life in many ways. In others my world was fucked up. There was sexual abuse in my childhood and a sexually absent husband in my life. I was confused and curious. I played at being a sub and a dom as well as exploring my bisexuality. I love sex. I love the playfulness that it can have as well as the seedier sides of it. I am a voyeur as well as an exhibitionist. I find no real shame in sensuality or sexuality as long as everyone is open and honest in what they expect.

With all of that being said this is where my brain is at in the moment.

I have figured out why i seem to gravitate to being a sub or more specifically a ‘LITTLE”

My entire life i was raised as if i were already an adult. Responsibility was drilled into my head. From early on I remember the phrase. ” She who does not work does not eat” or ” If you are not going to do it right, don’t bother to do it at all”  I married an older man with delusions of a white picket fence and me staying home to raise a garden and happy children. What i got was NOT that. I worked my butt off out side of the home, I built a career and made good money. I thought i was doing something great. In the end, the reality was ,I had a broken marriage and a man who hated my job.

Time went on and i was blessed to find a man who understood so much of my hidden self. I was able to be open and honest. But it did not answer why i acted the way i do. I am beginning to grasp why and it is eye opening. I battle two very polar opposite sides. There is the MOMMY. I raised my brothers to some degree. Our mom battles mental illness. I went to school and cooked at home and cleaned and did hard work on the ranch. I have always been bossy. I expect people to DO not just SAY.I drive people nuts because i take over things as if they were small children incapable of doing a job. And then i get miffed at them for making me be the adult.  It is a side effect of my raising. But that raising also made me A LITTLE. I now find myself trying to live with these two very different sides.

The little in me is sick of being forced to be an adult. She wants to be taken care of, to be nurtured and cared for. She does not want to make a decision but simply wants to be gently directed. To be praised for her actions. To be loved without question. It is a struggle and i have no easy answer for it. It seems that balance in life is my on going lesson. Thankfully i am blessed to have a wonderful husband who sees and understands. This great loving man who is beginning to understand the bossy Mommy in me as well as the needy LITTLE  in me.

Every day is a challenge. But i know that with him by my side things will be ok. That he will help me find OUR BALANCE. That we can find ways to nurture both of our intimate and emotional needs. That we can find our own playground and enjoy all of our Sub/Dom  sides and we will continue to play and grow together.

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2 Comments

  1. rougedmount said,

    April 4, 2016 at 4:52 pm

    wow..that is very interesting and complex, isn’t it

  2. Gwennie said,

    April 4, 2016 at 9:17 pm

    Oh wow…I thought I was the only 1 who thought that having to grow up too soon is part of what caused a little side to be there…so nice hearing that I’m not alone in that.


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