panic…

The last couple of months i have been waking up with panic attacks. They can last a few minutes or several hours. My gut is in knots, my heart racing, my body temp raising through the roof. I have spent countless hours in tears trying to grasp what is going on. It has made no sense to me because my life is wonderful. It is filled with love and support and joy beyond measure. So this has left me worried and upset.

Slowly there are some things that are making sense. First of all MENOPAUSE.. Part of the body reaction is the wicked hormones. That is just a part of life and i will learn to manage the symptoms. So lay off the coffee and the bread and get more rest when possible. Eat a healthier diet and remember that it’s ok to help my body along this journey.

The hard part of this is difficult for me to grasp and explain… I want to give up my 25 year career. I have always said that when you no longer love what you do, you should quit. And i have not loved my job for some time. I have spent the last 10 years alone in my salon. There has been no fire, no inspiration. I have become one of THOSE hairdressers. I have tried to find my passion back. But to no avail.

And i have wondered why? Why do i feel like this?  And while i am beginning to grasp the WHY i am terrified of giving it up. I do not want people to think i failed. I do not want the wonderful man in my life to think i quit, or gave up. I do not want him to think less of me. And i know how much he hates CHANGE. And this would be a huge change. I am beginning to understand the reality of what stress does to a body. That the stress of being self employed has been eating me up. That i spend more time worrying about how i am going to pay the bill than i do on honing my skills.

And here is the other thing that keeps rolling around in my stressed out brain. I started this career when i was 20 years old. My ex husband paid my way through school. I struggled to build a career and a business that in the end he despised. I feel like part of my life is stuck in this place. I want to let go of ALL of my past and move forward into this great new life i have been given. I do not know how it will happen. I do know that it will not be easy. I need to find new joy and that leaving behind some of my clients will be hard. Some have been with me for almost 20 years. But i have rescheduled my life around them for a long time.I have given up family time for them. Changed vacation times for them. I want and need to focus forward.

For now i am breathing deeply trying to keep the next panic attack at bay. Praying that there is deep understanding and acceptance in my life. That my family and friends and clients will understand that i need to let go. That 25 years of my life behind this chair has cost me much including my health. My body hates me for the damage that has been done. My joints hurt all of the time from the repetitive movements. I am terrified. I feel the tremors inside of me. I feel the tears well up and i fight them back. I do not want to panic any more.

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1 Comment

  1. April 22, 2016 at 6:28 pm

    I understand how scary this is at least some. I recently made a dramatic change in job and I was terrified for quite some time as that change approached far more rapidly than I anticipated. Frankly less than 30 days after that change became official I am still afraid of failing. However, I love my new job, it’s far better for my health and I am happy in a way I never have been before. Inexperienced as I am, I am so passionate about the work I am doing now. My life has changed dramatically, and all for the good. Please feel free to check out my blog if you are curious to read about how this has affected me. You are not alone; what you are feeling is understandable and normal. Acknowledging the source of the panic is such a great start; I hope you have as much genuine love and support in your life as I do and that you are able to let go and move forward and ultimately be happier. Good luck!


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