Trying to breath

There are moments in life when you realize just how deeply you love someone. Just how precious they are to your being. I have been married before and faced some serious health crisis with the ex. I was always calm and level headed. I handled the situation like a pro.  I have determined that i did not deeply love that man, and here is why.

My king has a genetic blood disorder. It is best described this way… He has to much iron in his blood. His body does not process it like other people. The excess iron stays in your organs and joints and you essentially rust from the inside out. It is easily treated and managed through regular blood draws and diet management. So we have him scheduled for his first draw today.

Yesterday i was managing phone calls from the dr., the lab, and my king. The orders where not written correctly so i am still battling them to get that corrected. In the mean time i get a phone call that leveled me. A referral to the Cancer Treatment Center. No explanation as to why. I spent the next 2 hours waiting on the Dr. office to call me back to let me know the why. As it turns out that is where the hematologist is. I spent to long terrified that they were not telling us something.

Thanks to this new lovely health care system we have, General practitioners are are forced to send you to a specialist for every thing. Dr. offices are overloaded and can not give the kind of heartfelt care they once were able to do. They have multiple people working on your stuff so no one can give you a simple and direct answer.

At this moment i have slept very little. I have cried a lot. I am getting angrier by the moment waiting on people to do their jobs so that my king can get well. I have lived in devastating fear of losing him because some idiot called me with only part of the information necessary. I have been on the phone with his grandmother trying my best to calm her down. But i am reaching a point where someone is going to get yelled at. They are messing with the wrong red head.

I do not want to live in this world without my king. He as filled this life with love that never existed before. Yesterday evening he told me that were something to happen i needed to know that he loved me every day with every piece of himself. I have never been loved as this man loves me. And i have never loved as i love him.

My inner badger is trying hard to not show her claws and her teeth. I am fierce when it comes to protecting those i love. Our first anniversary is 17 days away. I want it to be filled with joy and love. Not this gut wrenching stress, not worry, not fear.

All i can say is that my phone better ring soon. And someone had better have some answers or i am getting in my car and driving down there. They do not want to see the wrath that will come when this girl lets the badger loose. Yes i am an Irish girl with a wicked inner Native american totem animal and red hair to boot. I am not someone you want to piss off.

Breath…. just breath. I guess this is one of those moments where my King reminds me to PRACTICE PATIENCE.


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