Oh just shut up

I wish i could yell this at my own brain and it would listen. About the only time it does is when i am sitting by the lake with a fishing pole in my hands

I don’t understand why i am riddled with such noise in my head. Life is good. My baby girl turned 25 and all i can think is i did not do enough to make the day special. But i was trying so hard to not be a smothering mother. Now i can not stop the noise that says i failed.

I had a tough conversation with my King. And i am more confused than ever. I am a sexually messed up woman. I think everything needs a title. Sub, Dom. oh fuck it all. I just  want to be loved. Why is sex so complicated? Or is it just ME?  I know when i was searching i spent to much time on line and it lead to a lot of extra noise. Now i can’t turn it off and just be. I am still trying to figure out what everyone else wants so that i can be what they need. And i can’t seem to stop. My king is right. I don’t know how to just let go. It scares me to be out of control in any way. I guess it is why i have pushed so hard for him to be a dom and me a sub. trying to find a way to make myself let go. But even that doesn’t work. I need help. I need to breath and Be. But i am wound to tightly. What happens when i can’t do everything i do? Will i be loved less if i can’t make everything perfect? If i just stop doing all that i do for everyone?

Please don’t get me wrong. I honestly love taking care of those in my life. It brings me joy. But….. What happens when you can’t? Does their love for you change? I think i have always been this way. Now it is even louder because i have so much to lose. So much in my life that brings me joy. And i should be able to relax and enjoy it, but instead i am filled with the fear of losing it. I just need it to all be quiet for a while. Let me feel what it is like to not worry and to just let go.

Insecurity

My level of insecurity is not normal. I try not to but i have such fear. I question everything. Am I enough? Do i do enough, try hard enough?  What can i do better? An i really desirable or just ok because i am here and willing? No one knows how many times a day i panic over that word. ENOUGH.  I make it impossible for anyone to love me or live with me because i am a bundle of doubt wrapped up in fear trying to be it all, do it all, just to be enough.

I am living a life that is full of love and happiness and i still wake up at 4 am having a panic attack that when the alarm clock goes off i will once again be living life at a run trying to stay ahead of everyone else so they can not see my failings, my flaws, my shortcomings. So that they can never see that i am not really all they think i am. Most people think I have my shit together, and trust me i can talk a good game, but it they could see beneath the surface they would know the ugly truth. I am just some scared little girl in her moms dress and shoes, playing this sick messed up game of grownup. Scared out of her wits.

Sunday i become a year older and i wish i were a year wiser. I wish i knew what the hell i was doing. I wish i had the ability to take my King and run away from the world. Because when i am in his arms i feel like everything is ok. That for a moment i am ok. That in that space and time I am enough. But let me walk away and the fear creeps in, it takes over and i am once again battling my own demons.  I don’t know how, but one day i will find a way to stop wondering and simply be ENOUGH.

confidence

I had some. once. Where it went i am not so sure. I have moments but that is all they are Moments. I need to find it back. I feel like i am living in a state of anxiety at the moment. Never have i worried so much over everything. And i do not like this feeling. The only thing that keeps me from spinning off into some dark void is my King. His calm level energy is good for me. His bold confidence is even better. I find it highly distracting when he gets that swagger. I love watching his competitive nature spark. Now if i could only figure out where i put mine and all would be good. So as always i am breathing deep and taking it all one step at a time.

Finding my Frequal

Yes Frequal , my Freak equal….

You grow up in a religious zealot family with closet sexual issues and your view of everything is slightly off. You grow up and marry mr. straightlaced and you feel awful when taboo things give you a pantie rush. And then one day the world changes and you find yourself with someone who gives you a safe judgement free space to express your naughty side. Then everything gets FUN. You explore together. You talk. Yes Talk…

I can not begin to express the joy that i now find in life. Every aspect of my world is better because i have an equally Freeky and honest partner. I have explored many Taboo things. And while there are some that are beyond even my Freak level i have always been a curious bugger. I have read many articles and watched many documentaries and on line videos of all kinds of sexual things. I find every day that we as humans express love and desire in an abundance of ways. And i am cool with most of them. I will never grasp sex with animals, but that is just me. And anyone who touches a child should suffer a painful and slow death. Rape is a cowards action. But past those hard boundaries in my life i refuse to pass judgement on how you express your love or your physical needs.

This world is a messed up place. It would all be so much better if we could all get past our views on what if PROPER AND ACCEPTABLE and just embrace our inner Freaky selves. So my hope for everyone today is that you find our Frequal and go be naughty and do so guilt free and happy.

Playing Separately and the Slippery Slope to Polyamory

Thank you for sharing. As life goes on i find more and more that life and my happiness depend on that level of honesty. Were ever life and love take us we will be good as long as we are honest.

Lifestyle Wives

Same room no swap, same room soft swap, same room full swap, separate rooms, … playing separately.  For many couples in the lifestyle, this is a natural progression as you get comfortable with your sexual exploration.  The terms are pretty self-explanatory, except for that very last one.  Playing separately.  What does “playing separately” mean?  Does it mean a noontime roll in the hay with a mutually agreed upon partner?  Does it mean I can fuck that hot guy I’ve been eyeing at the gym in the unisex restroom?  Does it mean I can go out on a date?  Can I spend the night with someone I’m attracted to?  How about the weekend?  In answer to all of these questions …. yes.  Playing separately is a very broad category, and the associated rules (or lack thereof) can range from very strict rules to very loose rules or to no rules at…

View original post 1,202 more words

When the lights come on

It is amazing to me how much you don’t know but think you do. How we process emotions and desires and life and loss. Every day i learn more about myself and accept things. I am reaching a place of acceptance over parts of my past. Understanding the WHY of life.

This may be a long one so hold on…

First… I am in this strange mental place about my first marriage. You know when things are done, over, finished. But there is a constant nagging conversation in your head about what YOU did WRONG. Could you have fixed it? Will you make the same mistakes again? The fear of ruining future relationships because you did not learn some lesson is almost terrifying. The last couple of weeks have brought me great peace and the ability to understand that i was not a perfect wife but i was fighting a losing battle. I was married to a man who never really loved ME. And while it is hard to think I spent years in that marriage oblivious to that fact it has helped me find some new peace. I am in a different place. I am LOVED now by a wonderful man. He accepts all of my flaws and i do not feel the need to be something i am not. I can not repeat past mistakes because this life is NOT  that life. I simply must take each day as its own and live as my true self. My ex is in a good place and that makes me happy. To know that he can finally feel the depth of joy that love can bring. Life is finally as it should be for all of us.

Second… Sex and intimacy…I am about to be 46 and  i finally get it. They are not the same damn thing. But sex can be even better with great intimacy. Intimacy is being able to have those honest conversations about wants and desires without fear. It is having someone in your life who understands your freak flag and will help you wave it without judgement. It is as simple as a kiss every morning. Someone who never misses an opportunity to hold your hand. It is someone who helps you figure out your own sexuality issues and wants to play in your playground.  I have always been bi. But for me it was never an option. Now it is and i have been a little wary. It is not easy to admit all of your desires but my King puts me in a safe place to do so. Sharing that with him has brought us closer. Now if i can only get to a comfortable place during sex where i can say all of the dirty things in my head without being afraid he is going to stop and look at me like i have lost my mind. But life is one step at a time.

I finally understand why i want to share my husband with another woman. I am grasping my very opposite sides of Submissive and Dominate. I hope to become comfortable with all of the FUN that life has to offer and know that in the end my King loves me and that we will be strong together for years to come as long as we can stay open and honest with each other.  Life is truly good and i can see so much clearer these days.

Just breath

Trust me i am trying

I wonder if this is what it feels like to lose your mind

The swing between joy and sorrow

The moments when life feels like it is all going in the right direction

And the moments when i lose all control

Hot flashes followed by panic attacks

The days where i feel sexy as hell

And the days where i can not stand the sight of my own face

Moments when my job is my saving grace

And the days when i just want to quit and do ANYTHING else

Were it not for the kind love and gentleness of my King

I would not survive this journey

So i keep breathing, Keep putting one foot in front of the other

Knowing that the anxiety attack will pass

And that on my worse days he will look at me with that wicked smile

And tell me how beautiful i am and how much he loves me.

So today i need to just BREATH

 

A love like theirs

One phone call can stop you dead in your tracks. After 25 years behind the chair clients become friends and family. And their loss stings. I can only hope that at the end of my days on this earth someone feels as i do right now. I hope my life and love with my king is as inspiring.

Shaemus has left us and while i did not get to know him before the Alzeheimers it was abundantly clear that he loved his wife with all of his soul. The sweet loving kindness between the two of them warmed my heart. She lead him through the end of his days with the same respect she always had. She never treated him as if he were any less than he had always been.  A brilliant man with an amazing brain and a loving heart. They went to lunch and played cards with good friends even on days when he forgot the meaning of the numbers on them. But he never forgot her.

The tears will flow. And tomorrow will be hard when she walks in my door without him. But at the end of the day i am blessed to have a man by my side who i know loves me like Shaemus loved Virginia.

Stripper glitter

Life is a funny thing. You have ideas in your head about something and then it happens….

We took our first trip out to a dance club with some friends. Both of us were nervous. The idea of something and the reality can often not match. And trust me it didn’t. I laugh because it was better than i had hoped. Not only was it a blast to watch my husband shock the sweet young lady who’s ass was all in his lap but it was even better when she eagerly accepted round two and fully enjoyed the treasures found in his slacks.

Just as much fun was had in watching my husband try and maintain when my lap was full of cute. My first dance was filled with giggles and the awareness that i had the biggest boobs in the building. A fact that was commented on often during the night. As i had never been in a strip club before i was trying my best to keep my hands to myself. A point that tickled the dancer in my lap. All in all she was a fun way to break the ice.

As the evening went on it was clear most of the young women were cute but so not my flavor. Until one… My king gave her a few dollars on stage as i enjoyed watching. She was indeed a tasty dish. I had every intention of putting her in his lap but when the time finally arrived i kept the prize for myself. And what a prize she was. Had we not been with friends i may have parted with the extra money for a back room visit. Her attire and attitude were perfection. She was not only a talented dancer but was quite skilled in the fine art  of seduction. The zipper on my top lost it’s battle and gave way to full exposure of my chest. Her hand explored and found its way into my bra and she smiled when she pinched my nipple and felt it’s instant response. Needless to say i learned what you can touch and i did. She smelled great and tasted lovely. By the time the song was over the cab ride was not far behind.

My King and I are enjoying the benefits of that adventure. Sex has been extra spicy and the conversations have been educational. We are talking more about exploring and sharing. I know that in time we will find a third and go on yet another adventure. The comfort of being able to talk honestly about our desires is amazing fuel for our sexuality. I feel deeply blessed to have this man in my life at this moment and am eager to explore the rest of our hungers with each other.