When the lights come on

It is amazing to me how much you don’t know but think you do. How we process emotions and desires and life and loss. Every day i learn more about myself and accept things. I am reaching a place of acceptance over parts of my past. Understanding the WHY of life.

This may be a long one so hold on…

First… I am in this strange mental place about my first marriage. You know when things are done, over, finished. But there is a constant nagging conversation in your head about what YOU did WRONG. Could you have fixed it? Will you make the same mistakes again? The fear of ruining future relationships because you did not learn some lesson is almost terrifying. The last couple of weeks have brought me great peace and the ability to understand that i was not a perfect wife but i was fighting a losing battle. I was married to a man who never really loved ME. And while it is hard to think I spent years in that marriage oblivious to that fact it has helped me find some new peace. I am in a different place. I am LOVED now by a wonderful man. He accepts all of my flaws and i do not feel the need to be something i am not. I can not repeat past mistakes because this life is NOT  that life. I simply must take each day as its own and live as my true self. My ex is in a good place and that makes me happy. To know that he can finally feel the depth of joy that love can bring. Life is finally as it should be for all of us.

Second… Sex and intimacy…I am about to be 46 and  i finally get it. They are not the same damn thing. But sex can be even better with great intimacy. Intimacy is being able to have those honest conversations about wants and desires without fear. It is having someone in your life who understands your freak flag and will help you wave it without judgement. It is as simple as a kiss every morning. Someone who never misses an opportunity to hold your hand. It is someone who helps you figure out your own sexuality issues and wants to play in your playground.  I have always been bi. But for me it was never an option. Now it is and i have been a little wary. It is not easy to admit all of your desires but my King puts me in a safe place to do so. Sharing that with him has brought us closer. Now if i can only get to a comfortable place during sex where i can say all of the dirty things in my head without being afraid he is going to stop and look at me like i have lost my mind. But life is one step at a time.

I finally understand why i want to share my husband with another woman. I am grasping my very opposite sides of Submissive and Dominate. I hope to become comfortable with all of the FUN that life has to offer and know that in the end my King loves me and that we will be strong together for years to come as long as we can stay open and honest with each other.  Life is truly good and i can see so much clearer these days.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: