Insecurity

My level of insecurity is not normal. I try not to but i have such fear. I question everything. Am I enough? Do i do enough, try hard enough?  What can i do better? An i really desirable or just ok because i am here and willing? No one knows how many times a day i panic over that word. ENOUGH.  I make it impossible for anyone to love me or live with me because i am a bundle of doubt wrapped up in fear trying to be it all, do it all, just to be enough.

I am living a life that is full of love and happiness and i still wake up at 4 am having a panic attack that when the alarm clock goes off i will once again be living life at a run trying to stay ahead of everyone else so they can not see my failings, my flaws, my shortcomings. So that they can never see that i am not really all they think i am. Most people think I have my shit together, and trust me i can talk a good game, but it they could see beneath the surface they would know the ugly truth. I am just some scared little girl in her moms dress and shoes, playing this sick messed up game of grownup. Scared out of her wits.

Sunday i become a year older and i wish i were a year wiser. I wish i knew what the hell i was doing. I wish i had the ability to take my King and run away from the world. Because when i am in his arms i feel like everything is ok. That for a moment i am ok. That in that space and time I am enough. But let me walk away and the fear creeps in, it takes over and i am once again battling my own demons.  I don’t know how, but one day i will find a way to stop wondering and simply be ENOUGH.

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1 Comment

  1. dievca said,

    June 25, 2016 at 11:04 pm

    Happy Birthday — you are beyond enough. XO


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