Oh just shut up

I wish i could yell this at my own brain and it would listen. About the only time it does is when i am sitting by the lake with a fishing pole in my hands

I don’t understand why i am riddled with such noise in my head. Life is good. My baby girl turned 25 and all i can think is i did not do enough to make the day special. But i was trying so hard to not be a smothering mother. Now i can not stop the noise that says i failed.

I had a tough conversation with my King. And i am more confused than ever. I am a sexually messed up woman. I think everything needs a title. Sub, Dom. oh fuck it all. I just  want to be loved. Why is sex so complicated? Or is it just ME?  I know when i was searching i spent to much time on line and it lead to a lot of extra noise. Now i can’t turn it off and just be. I am still trying to figure out what everyone else wants so that i can be what they need. And i can’t seem to stop. My king is right. I don’t know how to just let go. It scares me to be out of control in any way. I guess it is why i have pushed so hard for him to be a dom and me a sub. trying to find a way to make myself let go. But even that doesn’t work. I need help. I need to breath and Be. But i am wound to tightly. What happens when i can’t do everything i do? Will i be loved less if i can’t make everything perfect? If i just stop doing all that i do for everyone?

Please don’t get me wrong. I honestly love taking care of those in my life. It brings me joy. But….. What happens when you can’t? Does their love for you change? I think i have always been this way. Now it is even louder because i have so much to lose. So much in my life that brings me joy. And i should be able to relax and enjoy it, but instead i am filled with the fear of losing it. I just need it to all be quiet for a while. Let me feel what it is like to not worry and to just let go.


1 Comment

  1. loneyheart said,

    June 29, 2016 at 5:02 pm

    personal update. My King and i had another great conversation. I love being able to talk to him the way we do. It is clear that the past has a hold on parts of my brain and that we are not meant to play in the sub dom world. The physical and emotional relationship we share is softer and sweeter and more romantic. I am work, but hopefully i am and will continue to be worth the effort. I know that he is worth it. That man brings me such peace and love and the knowledge that i am his world. Lord knows i need that peace.

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