Proud Momma

I have always been proud of my daughter. But today i am even  more so.

She called to tell me she just received her 3rd promotion in 2 years. Not only that but she requested training from the main office even though it means a trip to another state. She is taking responsibility for herself in huge ways. At 25 she has already suffered a couple of bad relationships and one hellish marriage. For a while i was worried for her emotional health but she keeps growing in ways i can only smile about.

During our conversation she told me that she still plans on returning to college next month. She has learned to put aside petty differences with a staff member and is actually offering to train her for the job she is vacating. That is a huge step in the ADULT direction. Only a couple of weeks ago she was ready to replace this young lady.

I let her know how proud i am of her. Not only for her job growth but in her personal growth as well. She has stepped up and has learned that she is the only person responsible for her happiness. Her life is cake, her happiness, frosting, and the people in her life, sprinkles.. You can not rely on others for your joy. People come and go. But in life you grow and find who you are and then you can find that person who will be a partner. That someone who will continue to help you grow, not hinder that path.

I know that as her mom i did my best. I was young and still has so much to learn in life. Some lessons she learned by watching me fail. But i hope that i continue to show her what success looks like as well. I can only love her and support her in every decision. Even when i know they are not the best. Every moment in life is a lesson you must learn from. Especially the hard ones.

Today we celebrate. Today we cheer. And as always i am the proudest mom i could ever be, Because that is my daughter.

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Thank you

I have learned the value of those words. I did not use them previously the way a person should of. I was raised to say please and thank you. And as a child it was normal, but as an adult i let that slide. Mostly because there was not much done for me that required a Thank You. But these days i find myself saying it often and gratefully.

Yesterday i had an upper and lower GI scan. It was physically draining. The prep is awful. The sleeplessness worse. But i have to admit that it was not all bad. My wonderful King stepped up like he always does. Yes he is spoiled. I love being able to treat him that way. But if i am under the weather he is the first one to take the reins and make sure the chores are under control.

There are not enough Thank You’s. There can never be enough gratitude to him and to our family who will drop all they are doing to be by your side. All i can do is remember to utter those words often and with all of the heart that is behind them.

So at this moment i am going to say THANK YOU MY KING.  Thank you for helping with the chores, for doting on me even when i am a grump. Thank you for showing me by the every day actions of your life that i am important. Thank you for loving me the way you do. Thank you to the family for calling even though they are far away. Thank you dad for giving of your time to sit with my husband and keep him calm from worry. And i am so looking forward to our little trip to the lake. It is my way of saying Thank You and Happy Birthday to the most loving and wonderful man to ever be a part of my life.

You are my always. One day, One Breath, One moment at a time until the end of our days.

Farewell

It’s a weird day to say the least. AT 5 am my mother messaged me to says my grandmother had passed. She was 93 and was frail beyond words after an unattended fall. While i have  a few fond memories of my grandmother i have more that i care not to share. She was a hard woman. Vain beyond words and fervent in her religious beliefs. I was her first born grandchild but by far not her favorite. Had i been born to one of her other children things would have been different. But grandmother and my mother had a difficult relationship. And i think it is part of the reason my Mother and i have the same relationship.

I know the family will be mad when i do not show for her services. But they can not ever get together without a world war happening. And i do not have space for that in my life anymore. My loving King has helped me find peace with the past and to understand that you have to accept people as they are. My Aunts and Uncles are in they 60’s and 70’s. Their attitudes and opinions are set in stone. I walk my own road and it is not necessarly a path they would travel. So i am going to remember the good moments, Let go of the hurtful ones and keep trying to find a managable peace with my mother.

And every time i wear a dress with no slip and no hose i will laugh and remember my Grandmother. She is after all the woman who taught me all of my LADYLIKE qualities. And the reason i break them at every turn. She is also the reason i will color my hair until the last breath has left my soul. I refuse to go grey. She was for as long as i can remember. good by you stubborn woman. I will always love New Years thanks to you and to the man who loves me.

when your world explodes

Life has been busy and the weekend was slated to be more of that.  That was until the phone rang and we were out the door in a flash. Overnight bag in hand, we picked up my father in law and followed the ambulance to the big city hospital. My mother in law spent the next two days with bleeding ulcers and DT’S from alcohol withdrawl. Tie down straps and all. She is on the mend and with love and prayer and support she may stop drinking.

But here is the rub in my world…Life has taught me to not trust the words of people. Watch their actions and see. People lie, good people mean well, but as hard as they try they do not always DO WHAT THEY SAY. I am guilty of it, and lord knows i try to always keep my word. I have a hard time with TRUST. Love i can do, i can love you unconditionally. But i find trust hard. And that is just a fucked up mess. How can you love when you don’t trust? And if you don’t trust is that really unconditional love?

My King, who is my world, is a smoker. In our time together he has quit and started again. He now is managing a health condition that is made worse by his smoking. I have tried to be supportive in the belief that one day he will stop. But, time will tell. He does not think i have faith in him. And i do, but, i know that it will only happen when he truly decides. And i am stuck in this circle of his words and desire to quit and the actions of history. More than once he has spoken the words, “i am going to quit” and does for a day or two. I get excited and try to get him things to help in that process only to see him back to smoking even more than before. And my heart breaks. He calls it lack of faith. I call it, saving myself from dissapointment. this is simply a no win situation.

I guess i am the one who needs a huge mental and emotional adjustment. I am trying. Like everyone i am human and flawed and that is hard. I try so hard to be better. To not make the mistakes of my past. To trust, to believe. I am failing. And that scares me.

My actions could cost me more than i am willing to lose. And that terrifies me. So i will keep working on my flawed human nature until one day i get it right.

whos life was that?

From time to time i catch myself going back and reading my own posts. Life was filled with such emotional turmoil. It made for some intense writing but i feel so utterly disconnected to that woman. No life is not perfect. I still wake up with panic attacks about money. But that is just a part of my personality. In life and love i am in a good place. . I am loved and cherished and desired and needed and wanted.

I find myself thinking about what was and wondering how i lived in that emptiness for so long. There is no simple answer. You live the day to day because you have to. You put one foot in front of the other because it is necessary. The emptiness of your heart becomes an after thought. I read and am ashamed of some of my choices. I never intended to go down the path of cheating wife. It happened and i am still shocked by my actions. That was not me. Not the woman i have always tried to be. That was a defiant spoiled child screaming for attention in all of the wrong places. I surrendered all of myself in an effort to feel something, anything.

I can not even imagine myself acting like that. It feels like that part of my life was part of a story in some cheep dime store novel. When i call my King my peace he does not get it. But in this life he is my calm. He asks nothing of me and yet he gives his all. I find myself still some what reserved. Call it a form of self preservation. Fear of giving my all again and losing myself. I am finding ME. I am open to new things and new adventures all while becoming part of something bigger than myself. I want to surrender my all to my King. And i know that i will. Each and every day my life becomes more of what it was meant to be and less of what i tried so hard for it to be. I wanted perfection. I wanted a white picket fence and kids in the yard and Martha Stewart in the kitchen and porn queen in the bed room.

Funny how for years i tried to make that happen and now my life is closer to that than ever. Ok there is no fence and my kid is grown but I am kick ass in the kitchen and porn queens look sad next to what happens in my bed room. I will never say i wish that life had not happened. I needed it so that i could fully appreciate this one. But i am so glad that i found what true love is and what happens when you are loved, really loved.

This is my life and i am embracing it with all of its imperfection.

He knows me all to well

In men i have no type. I have been attracted to thin and thick, short and tall. For me it is more about a mental connection than a physical one. BUT… when it comes to women i have a type.

Dark hair, dark eyes, great boobs, no they don’t have to be large just perky and with responsive nipples, and hips with that curve you just want to grab ahold of.

I say this because we have a bar tender that causes me a level of frusteration i do not want to admit. She is Nice to look at but with random attitude that makes me say, NO. But.. I know there is always a But.

Different people bring out different sides of my sexual personality. With my King i tend to be more submissive and playful. I crave him so i will do damn near anything he desires to get my hands and mouth on his cock. He can have me on my knees and dripping wet with ease. Others have brought out my dominate side. The one where  you just want to put them up against the wall and stare them down until they say ” Mistress how may i please you”. That is this girl.

I see her and know that she thinks she is the shit. She carries herself sometimes with a swagger that dares you to look at her with hunger in your eyes. She knows how to dress her assets. The best is knee boots with printed leggings, no panties, and a thin t shirt with no bra. And yes it looks like a new nipple piercing. Her ass and hips  have great jiggle. And those small but pert nipples beg to be put in a clamp until she begs to be released. Doing so would require immediate oral attention to them because they would need soothing.

I am still finding my comfort level when it comes to that aggressive dominate side of me. I wonder just what my love will think if he ever saw me unleash the Queen. The things i would do to that girl might make him cum without contact or make him cut me loose and never want to be with me again. Gratefully not every woman brings out the Diva bitch. Some make me just want to kiss and touch them for hours keeping them on the edge of an orgasm until they are begging me for release.

One day we will find out. One day we will find that third and enjoy what ever ride it takes us on.But for now i am loving the fact that he can see my desire even when i try to hide it. I love how he knows me almost better than i know myself.

 

erotica, pornography,nude, naked?

When my daughter was quite young she determined there was  difference between Nude and Naked. In her little head nude was just you with no clothes and was not at all shocking. Naked on the other hand was shocking and was to be avoided. Funny how little brains work.

Now as an adult there are the same conversations around erotica and porn. Erotica is the admiration of the unclothed human form. Porn is just dirty sex. Trust me i like both. I participate in both. And one does not always lead to the other. But i wonder if everyone can make the differentation or if they are so uptight that nude and naked are the same.

Personally i find no shock in either one. Human sexuality should be embraced and not repressed. Sex sells but there is a difference for me between romantic intimacy with my partner and naughty sex just for the fun of it. In making love to my mate and in sex on cam to build the desire level or to make bank.

Life is built on the rules we are given in our youth. It is up to us as adults to determine if those rules fit the life we want to have. Do those rules make us better people or do they stifle the raw humanity within each of us.

I for one think rules should be broken and that Nude and Naked should be as much fun as erotica and porn.