whos life was that?

From time to time i catch myself going back and reading my own posts. Life was filled with such emotional turmoil. It made for some intense writing but i feel so utterly disconnected to that woman. No life is not perfect. I still wake up with panic attacks about money. But that is just a part of my personality. In life and love i am in a good place. . I am loved and cherished and desired and needed and wanted.

I find myself thinking about what was and wondering how i lived in that emptiness for so long. There is no simple answer. You live the day to day because you have to. You put one foot in front of the other because it is necessary. The emptiness of your heart becomes an after thought. I read and am ashamed of some of my choices. I never intended to go down the path of cheating wife. It happened and i am still shocked by my actions. That was not me. Not the woman i have always tried to be. That was a defiant spoiled child screaming for attention in all of the wrong places. I surrendered all of myself in an effort to feel something, anything.

I can not even imagine myself acting like that. It feels like that part of my life was part of a story in some cheep dime store novel. When i call my King my peace he does not get it. But in this life he is my calm. He asks nothing of me and yet he gives his all. I find myself still some what reserved. Call it a form of self preservation. Fear of giving my all again and losing myself. I am finding ME. I am open to new things and new adventures all while becoming part of something bigger than myself. I want to surrender my all to my King. And i know that i will. Each and every day my life becomes more of what it was meant to be and less of what i tried so hard for it to be. I wanted perfection. I wanted a white picket fence and kids in the yard and Martha Stewart in the kitchen and porn queen in the bed room.

Funny how for years i tried to make that happen and now my life is closer to that than ever. Ok there is no fence and my kid is grown but I am kick ass in the kitchen and porn queens look sad next to what happens in my bed room. I will never say i wish that life had not happened. I needed it so that i could fully appreciate this one. But i am so glad that i found what true love is and what happens when you are loved, really loved.

This is my life and i am embracing it with all of its imperfection.

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