when your world explodes

Life has been busy and the weekend was slated to be more of that.  That was until the phone rang and we were out the door in a flash. Overnight bag in hand, we picked up my father in law and followed the ambulance to the big city hospital. My mother in law spent the next two days with bleeding ulcers and DT’S from alcohol withdrawl. Tie down straps and all. She is on the mend and with love and prayer and support she may stop drinking.

But here is the rub in my world…Life has taught me to not trust the words of people. Watch their actions and see. People lie, good people mean well, but as hard as they try they do not always DO WHAT THEY SAY. I am guilty of it, and lord knows i try to always keep my word. I have a hard time with TRUST. Love i can do, i can love you unconditionally. But i find trust hard. And that is just a fucked up mess. How can you love when you don’t trust? And if you don’t trust is that really unconditional love?

My King, who is my world, is a smoker. In our time together he has quit and started again. He now is managing a health condition that is made worse by his smoking. I have tried to be supportive in the belief that one day he will stop. But, time will tell. He does not think i have faith in him. And i do, but, i know that it will only happen when he truly decides. And i am stuck in this circle of his words and desire to quit and the actions of history. More than once he has spoken the words, “i am going to quit” and does for a day or two. I get excited and try to get him things to help in that process only to see him back to smoking even more than before. And my heart breaks. He calls it lack of faith. I call it, saving myself from dissapointment. this is simply a no win situation.

I guess i am the one who needs a huge mental and emotional adjustment. I am trying. Like everyone i am human and flawed and that is hard. I try so hard to be better. To not make the mistakes of my past. To trust, to believe. I am failing. And that scares me.

My actions could cost me more than i am willing to lose. And that terrifies me. So i will keep working on my flawed human nature until one day i get it right.


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