a moment of verbal diarrhea.

Life is not perfect. No one is, so why do i keep trying so to hard to be the impossible? I set myself up for disappointment. I set those i love up for disappointment. I basically sabotage life.

I am tired. I hurt every day and yet i keep trying to ignore it and pretend that things are fine. I have to stop pushing so hard. But if i don’t push things won’t get done. Bills will not get paid, my house will be in a bigger mess than it is. I feel more and more like a failure in this life.

I am grateful to be so utterly in love. That is my savior in this life. A man who loves me so much. I see it in his eyes when he speaks and i know he has the same fears i do. We do not want repeats of the past. We can not take that kind of loss again. So together we keep trying. We try to hard sometimes and in doing so we mess up. But together we keep trying. And i guess that is the important part, together.

Do i miss being single? What the hell kind of question is that? I miss the simplicity of it. I do not miss the emptiness of it. Single was easy. I had no one else to think about, worry over. I got up and ate and went to work. I had singular focus. I lived in fantasy. I was wickedly sassy because i found confidence. But is was a false confidence. No one took the time to know the inside of me, the messed up scared to fail side. I have always been able to smile on the outside when my inside was dying. But these days i find it harder to lie because you see past the smile.

Single… If i were i would find a way to go back to school and learn to teach this skill i have been working at for 25 years. I would put my energy into my job and take it completely off of myself. I would no longer look for love but simply settle into existence. It would be empty and devoid of emotion. Mostly because feeling would be to hard. And no one else could fill the hole that you would have left behind. So do i miss being single? NO. Do in want to be single? NO. Do i want to be sassy again? YES. I have moments. But i think to much and i feel to much and i fail more than i succeed. And this lack of confidence is a perfect way to not be attractive to anyone. Hell i don’t even like myself at the moment.

I am afraid to make a choice or a decision because i might make it all worse. I am afraid to disappoint myself and my king. Hell i am afraid to disappoint everyone. I want to at this very moment go stand in the rain and either drown in it or have it wash away all of my fear.I am sick of the voices in my head that are only full of self doubt.

I had this conversation in my head that sickened me. I have a client who is 95 who said she married a younger man to finally have someone take care of her. I silently called her a bitter old witch. But this morning i heard my own brain say the same. I am so tired of taking care of everyone and everything. Now let me be clear… I love caring for my family. I love spoiling them. It is how i say i love you. But I …. i don’t know where this is going. I just feel so much pressure and it’s all to much. I wish i could be June Cleaver. I wish i could be my kings grandmother. Her life is and was taking care of her family. Her home is a place of sanctuary. Her meals are not just food but plates of love. Her job is their care and well being. I try but i am faced with reality. I am not some super woman. So i have a career i feel like i am failing at. My zeal for it is fading. I have a busy life that is full of love but i am overwhelmed. I have a king who loves me but i disappoint him way to often. I am not sure why he married me. I heard him make comment that he does not know why he is so afraid to grow up? Lord help me i need him to be one. I need him to be the team mate we have tried so hard to be for each other. I go home and all i see is work. A house to clean, laundry, dishes, floors, dogs to be feed, piles of things we have accumulated over time. And i am lost as to how to accomplish it all. He ask me to relax but how can i?

We go away for the weekend and end up yelling at him in frustration and fear. I hurt him when i had no cause to. I can’t even get a simple fishing trip to go smooth. I was so grateful when we returned home and he helped me put things back. That simple act let me breath. I don’t think i have been breathing since my daughter told me she is planning on moving out of state. I feel loss and it sucks. But i told her she had to follow her heart.

Enough…. I can’t spew anymore. I can’t cry right now. I have to clear my brain and get my ass to work so that i can do what i have always done and just take care of shit. Because it s my job, I am a motherfucking grown up. I am his queen, I am her mom, I am a kick ass hairdresser even though i am tired and it hurts. So i am going to breath deep and pray that i  can figure it all out. But like Scarlet O Hara i will think about it  tomorrow because today i just have to put on my big girl britches and just DO IT.


1 Comment

  1. dievca said,

    August 7, 2016 at 1:25 pm

    M. is so much older than me, I worry for after the 20 years – what do I alone in my 60’s? Single and start, again? Do you find someone younger? Anyone can be hit by a bus, right? You sparked my thoughts.

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