working on the inhale/exhale

Waking up at 4 am with panic attacks sucks. My gut tightens up, my chest hurts, i can’t breath and i want to scream. My brain starts rolling about all of the things in life i have no control over. And then i hear him toss and turn on his side of the bed and i just choose. I choose to slowly inhale, to take in the scent of my king and try and feel the calming effects of his presence. Then comes the exhale and with it i try to let go of all that i can not control. I focus on the important things in life. The fact that for the most part everyone is healthy. Yes we have issues but nothing we can’t survive. I Listen to him breath and know that it will all be ok. It will be ok because every day we choose. We choose to keep working at this life. The love part is easy, it’s the life part that is a challenge. I hope to find a way to stop the anxiety. Living with it is hard. But he is all i want. He keeps me grounded when my emotions attempt to fly off into the abyss. He holds my hand in the dark moments and reminds me that this is just a moment and it will pass.

I have tried not to think to much about my daughter moving away. But i have to. And what it all comes down to is… I always want her close by. She may move and find that the place she left at age 3 is no mythical land. Then again she may find a man who fills her heart and choose to stay there and have a family. Lord knows i will cry the day she has babies that i can not go hug every day. Hell i hate it when i don’t see her for a week and she only lives 8 miles away. But i have to sit back and look at it without the mom glasses. She is 25 and strong and smart and confident. She has wisdom i did not have at her age. She is sometimes smarter than i am even now at 46. So i choose… I choose to let her go without making her feel guilt for choosing her life. I want her to live every moment as if it were the last. And if that means moving, well so be it.

Life is all choice and action upon that choice. It is breathing through the rough times and laughing through the good ones. I am breathing and choosing and accepting change.

One day, one breath, one moment at a time.

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