My love of the hunt, and it’s need in our lives today.

There was a cool snap to the air. Shades of green giving way to the golds and rusts of fall. It was the time of football, people bundled in sweaters, campfires, roasted marshmallows and pumpkin spice in abundance.

But for some these were the signs of something else. Something with a far deeper meaning. A tradition that carries back through time. Hunting season. Some of you may  recoil is disgust. But that is ok. While some people embrace technology I relish the simpler things in life. A time when the world worked harder, where respect was earned. Where age and wisdom was honored.

What does any of that have to do with hunting season? Well let me explain. The world is a vast and glorious place. But as human beings we live in small spaces. We think of this moment in time and are encouraged to look ever forward. But sometimes it is the depth of the past that we need to draw wisdom from.

Our food did not always come in foam trays, wrapped in plastic and sitting in neat little rows with no connection to its origin. Vegetables were not already cleanly washed to remove the chemicals because they did not need to be. They were pulled directly from the ground and taken into homes with dirt floors and corner fire places.

Life was honored and valued and cherished because it did not come easy. It came on the blood sweat and tears of  those who came before you. It was taught to you in time honored lessons by your elders. Respect for life was learned because to survive you had to take another life.

The woods  are a vast place, and men with sticks and strings with arrows tipped in carved rocks took down game to feed their families.  Not just their own blood but the entire tribe because things were shared. We were a community not separate individuals.

You may say that we no longer live in those times, and you are right, but I say that is a sad thing because we have lost those lessons. We live in a world where people expect you to respect them,but they do not respect you. Respect was something earned back them. We do not always live in a world were things are earned. They are expected without effort.

We no longer live as communities that give to others with no hope of something in return. We lack respect for our elders. We do not protect our own young, but rather cause harm upon them for selfish gain. We do not loving protect those among us with physical and mental challenges, but send them off for someone else to care for. We shame others if their body type does not match your idea of the ideal.We loot and riot and destroy the property of others in the name of justice.

In days past the elders were revered. Children were protected as gifts from god. The mentally and physically handicapped where not seen as a deficit but as the special ones among us blessed by the lord. A full figure was seen a prosperity and the abundance of life. Justice was swift and clear. An eye for an eye.

When i go out into the woods i give praise and thanks to the one who created this earth and the life i am going to take. I spend that time with my elders learning ways of respect for all life. I do not take more than my share. And that is given with love to those who can no longer hunt on their own. I am taught the gift of silence. And how to be at peace within myself. I know that the life i take is a gift and i do not waste it. Gods gifts are not to be taken lightly. Without them life would be harder.  I learn not just to listen but to hear. Both are needed with animals and mankind.

I am grateful for my ability to feed my family. I am honored to still know and use and teach the old ways. And i know that if the world takes a turn towards deeper sorrow i will be able to care for those i hold most dear. This is my life, this is my history, this is my legacy. Onward to the hunt we go.

Getting it

The only constant is change. So i am understanding that i am constantly learning. Concepts that have always been so clear to me are slowly taking on new colors. I have always been a black and white girl. So when i said something to you that is exactly what i meant. Now i am learning that life is not that simple. there are shades of grey, funny nuances to everything we say.  If i tell you i am going to do something, unless i am dead or in the hospital i am going to do what i said. when others don’t it makes me crazy. But this weekend i heard my husband use a term that made some things make sense. He called us BURSTY. I think he is more that way and i have joined him to some degree.

He will attack something with wild fervor. Then stop. I tend to be the more slow and steady type. So together we have this Tortise and the Hare balance to our life. He gets me going when i don’t want to even start something. I Keep him going when he wants to stop.

We will copulate like wild bunnies for a few days and then have the Sahara desert of breaks. That usually causes me anxiety but i am beginning to understand and find better calm during the droughts. We will work on house projects until we fall over from exhaustion. And he will still say that he is going to get “…..” done next. What happens is the gathering of material and then nada. And where that used to drive me mad i am beginning to get that it is not him NOT keeping his word, But him over promising. He really intends to do those things, but there is a time and physical ability issue. And i do not help when i declare that one deserves a day of rest. Even the good lord took a day off.

I love this life. Yes i still have anxiety moments but they are getting fewer and farther between. The good things are becoming more abundant. We are really understanding the other and talking through the unsure moments. We had so much baggage when we came into this relationship and together we are learning to let go of the things that do not make us stronger. I am a happier woman because i know i am loved. And that is the greatest feeling of all.

And then?Lets see…

In one wild flashing moment she had a choice, accept the kiss or pull away? The battle was a tough one inside of her brain. Part of her wanted to not only lean in but grab him and pull him in close as he kissed her. The other part was listing all of the reasons a kiss would be a bad idea. He as clearly younger than her, and what would he want with an old broad past that kiss? This was NOT how she saw this day ending. It had begun with her eyes being truth full about what they saw in the mirror. Then again we never see ourselves the way others see us.

She started to lean away from his kiss when his hand slid up the back of her neck and into her hair. With that she lost all will to resist. His fingers tangled up in the nape of her neck, his lips barely touching hers and her heart about to beat out of her chest. Damn, who knew. What had to have been only a few fleeting seconds felt like a life time. Every noise from the bar vanished. Her eyes that had been closed flashed open to see his eyes watching her intently. His body had left its stool and was effortlessly planted between her now open thighs. His other hand slipped around her waist as he filled the space between them. She could not move. She barely breathed for fear this moment was but a dream.

Not a word was exchanged as the kiss ended. He took her hand in his and lead her silently to the dance floor. He was not done having her in his arms. The next sound she heard was his low gravel voice singing in her ear as he lead her across the floor. His body so close to hers that she could feel the buttons of his shirt against her chest. One song faded into another as the two danced into the night.  Wild thoughts raced through her head. She could not deny her physical craving for this man and yet she was not that type of girl, or was she? Way to soon the songs ended and last call was heard echoing through the crowd.

Hand in hand he lead her out the door. After asking her where she was parked they walked again wordless into the night. She stood keys in hand, trembling from the electricity that emanated from his fingers. She wondered what had he been thinking all of that time? And more importantly what was he thinking now?

And then???? I guess we will just have to wait and see.

A Feared Woman — Smitten With Him

I long to be this woman. But i know in my heart that i will always be the one looking for that validation. Maybe not so much validation of my own self worth but that i am loved beyond all else. And that i am an object of desire. Even as i write this i am annoyed at myself for it. I am more than the sum of my parts. I am more than an object of lust and desire. Yet i still am lost in the moments when i do not feel it. I am a soul built from passion and want and need. Oh how do i let it go and find peace? How do i become that woman above?

via A Feared Woman — Smitten With Him

in my skin

my face denies my age

but my hands rat me out

it is still soft and smooth to the touch

but more and more i see the fine lines of time

some days i feel confined in it

as if i am trapped here on this mortal plane

i know that my body can not roam the places my  mind goes

and yet if i could only escape my skin i just might make it

i look at my hands and wonder who they belong to

and then i see the marks and scars of this life and smile

these are my markers of time, these are my constant companions

This is where my age and wisdom live

in the crimson colored finger nails made so by last nights clients hair color

in the scars from one scared and rescued puppy

in the marks left from shears that cut me instead of one wiggly child after another

in the broken nail from a weekend of hard labor hauling fire wood for winter warmth

my hands also carry my wedding ring the beautiful reminder of second chances and of love

It is true that some days i wish i could shed my skin and become someone else

someone who has not lived the harsh realities of my past

someone who has less marks and less age

but i am reminded that it is not my skin that holds these things but my mind

and there in lies the rub

I dare not forget lest i repeat the past and that is my greatest fear

That in time i will once again  lose all that i hold dear

That my skin will no longer feel the soft touch of loving hands

That my heart will no longer know love

That my ears will no longer hear laughter and

That My eyes will no longer see the beauty of this life

So i honor my memories and all of the lessons of my life

And i embrace the age on my skin and pray that i will always know the love i now cherish

self confidence

Today i find myself wondering if it is something you just have or not? Is it something you can build within yourself and if so does it come from within or does it come from the admiration of others?

I have always lacked it. I grew up hearing “you could be so pretty, if only” Lord knows there were plenty of “if only things”

I have had it when it came to my career, but personally it is something i lack. I have had moments of it. But upon reflection those moments were when i was living a fantasy life and was constantly being told how sexy and lovely and wonderful i was. But was it real or only lines in a play?  I loved how those moments felt and i know i carried myself differently in those moments. But i am not in that space. I am happier now than i was in those days but i do find myself looking in the mirror and find myself lacking. I do not want that view of myself. I want to be bold and daring and confident.

So i am trying to focus on my own self worth and not my value as seen through the eyes of others. I want to walk into a room like some kind of wild life force and have people drawn to me. Not simply because i am sweet and kind and giving, but because i am vibrant and beautiful and dynamic. It all sounds very superficial and that makes me gag. But i am after all just a girl and i do not know of any woman who has not felt the same.

We all want to be smart and pretty. We want to be known as the good and kind and loving and giving one, with the knock out looks and the wicked smile and ” those eyes”.

I am working on it. And who knows, maybe one day i will be fully self confident in my own skin. One day, one breath, one moment at a time.

And then????

It was one of those days, she could tell.She woke up feeling blah. One of those “frumpy as hell days” so she fluffed her hair and added a little extra color to her makeup and found an out fit that didn’t make her cringe when she looked in the mirror. The skirt was just short enough to require knee boots and had good swish to it. The sound her heels made on the floor assured that heads would turn, even if it was just to identify the noise. The rest she could pretend in her head. It probably wasn’t fully work appropriate but today she did not care. She needed the boost.

Once she got her morning errands run she stepped into the shop and put on her smock. To bad it covered her outfit, but at least she knew. The day just seemed to last forever. She received a few nice comments on her boots and her hair. That always made a girl feel better. All she wanted was the end of the day. And to have this mood leave her alone. It had become her friend far to often as of late. The cute clothes had been only a temporary boost. But at the end of the day the clothes were just clothes and when they came off she was still just herself and she was sure that would never truly be enough.

In an effort to beat the funk she decided to go out on the town. Nothing wild just a quick drink at the local karoke bar. One drink in and she was laughing at the people on stage. She joined a couple of girls on the dance floor and made the most of he swishey skirt. Another drink would give her the courage to go on stage but she opted for water and another round on the dance floor.

Sitting back on her stool she tried to cool off before heading out the door. she hiked her skirt a bit higher to get some cool air on her legs, and lifted her crimson hair off of her neck. When she did she felt someone blow on the back of her neck and it sent shivers down her spine. From behind her a handsome man with a killer smile appeared. “Thanks for the breeze” she said. “Most kindly welcome pretty lady” was his response.

What followed was conversation she enjoyed. He was wicked funny and she liked that. He had that hard jaw line and sparkling eyes. The attention was nice too. It was like there was no one else around. Her phone startled her when it rang. It was only a facebook alert, but it caught her by surprise when she realized the time. “I need to go, it’s late and i have to work tomorrow” It was then that he took his moment and leaned in to kiss her….

and then??????????? who know’s

use your own imagination… this girl is tired and going to bed.

Gratitude

Life is wonder(filled). It is not always easy but it is always worth the effort. This past holiday weekend was one of the best of my life. For 20 plus years that was the beginning of my vacation, our annual anniversary celebration, the trip i busted my ass to pay for. There were good memories but in the end i hated that holiday like i hated Valentines.

Oh how life has changed. I spent this one with my King.WORKING. And it was wonderful. I am sore and tired but proud. The changes we made to our home are beautiful. Yes there is so much more to do, but we are doing it together, as a team, as a family. I finally have what i wanted for so many years. Family and love and passion and fire. I spent my time enveloped in his smile and in his presence. I love being around him, of us tearing apart the old and making the new, making it OURS. Letting go of the past is never easy. We think we have, then we have moments and realize that we are human and we never can erase the memories we want. We simply learn to navigate around the hard ones and smile at the good ones and do our best to make new ones to fill the spaces in our heads until the old ones have no room. So they get put in the mental attic and left to gather dust.

I am glad that things change, that life is a continous circle moving ever forward. I am in the best part of my life right now and i would not trade a moment of it. I am so happy to be his Queen. This is the good life.

Mirror

Today you are not my friend. I stand in front of you and gaze at the reflection i see. I do not look my age, that in itself should be enough. But it is not. I see what i have always seen. 5’3″ of chunky.  Which is funny because my jeans are obviously too big these days. My eyes are dull today. They are missing that spark. My fire is barely a coal cooling at the edge of the fire pit. I fear i have become a stagnant and boring piece of the environment. I do not see sexy or beautiful even though i hear the words. I do see the kitchen bitch with dish pan hands. I see the laundry diva, the expert floor mopper,the feeder of dogs and humans alike. I battle the thing i fear. That the mundane of every day life takes over and that the rush of human desire fades into the back ground. I do not want to be as invisible as the paint on the walls. I have put forth the effort to look the part. I have gone home at the end of a long day and put on something “cute” while cooking dinner. I have played the message game. Photos and texts. But at the end of it all i am blinding aware that it doesn’t matter. Life and all of it’s harsh reality is what comes out ahead. I will find a pair of rose colored glasses and look at myself though them. I will adjust my expectations and know that i love differently. And i will find peace and solace in the knowledge that i am loved and that for him every plate is a testament to that love. I will look into the mirror and know that the truth is not in the reflection i see, but in what fills my heart. And that will have to be enough.