Things i can’t control

I never thought I was a control freak. That was my ex husband. But as time has gone on i am realizing that I am. I like order and structure mixed with just a touch of mayhem for fun. That being said i am in a strange place in my life. I am so overly emotional lately. I was not sure why, now, i seem to be more in touch with my feelings than ever. It is the fact that for the first time in my life i am in truly a safe place. I am allowed to feel and express without judgment. And because of that I am flooded with all of the feelings i have stuffed for so long.  And it is a bit overwhelming to say the least.

Right now the waves of emotion are at an all time high. And i need to write my way through them so that i can properly process them and come to grips with all that i am feeling.

Most importantly is my relationship with my daughter. She is 25 and recently divorced. It was a bad marriage and there were step children involved. She was deeply attached to the kids. And It is a situation that she is not handling. But as of this moment i have been banned from her life. She is angry with me and while i am not clear at to all of the reasons it is clear that my divorce from her father 3 years ago is causing her some delayed anger. in my head you can not fix what you will not talk about. But this is how her dad acts so i have no control over that and have to sit here patiently and quietly until she decides to talk to me. It is eating me up inside but I am reminded that all i can control is my own response. So for now i am giving her space even though it is killing me slowly inside.

We have had more than our fare share of loss in the last year. We went to a funeral yesterday of a 62 yr old woman who died suddenly from an infection that was not caught in time. She was a vibrant and loving woman dedicated to faith and family. In love with the same guy since she was 14. As i sat in that gym and watched and listened i was faced with a hard cold fact. When i die it will be like nothing really happened. I am disconnected from all of my family. My daughter is pulling away from me. My husband whom i love dearly probably won’t out live me even though he is 10 years younger. So that makes one consider their mortality more than is probably healthy. And that leads to another stress point. Why am i working so hard at a career to make money when there will be no one to leave anything to?

The medical bills are piling up and i feel like i am drowning. I made some uninformed, uneducated decisions and now there will be at some point some financial reprecusions. I wake up in full panic mode in the middle of the night over that. I am not even sure how bad it is because i am to afraid to look into it. Mostly because i know that i do not have the money to fix it. And until i dig into it, it appears that it is being missed by the collectors.  It makes me want to walk away from my career and hope that the bad decisions never show up to destroy me. And that is all my nerves can handle. So i am not going to talk about it any more today.

There are people i need to check up on. But in my heart i know the news is not good. So i am avoiding it. And that is not like me at all.I have some health issues that i do not know how to cope with and i will not have any further information until early December.So that is eating at me. I fear that I will wear out my husband and that one day he will look at me and declare that i am just to much. I will not ever be surprised if he looks at me one day and says “get out”. I am almost to much for myself to deal with.

When my first marriage was falling apart i  dove into a fantasy world to cope. I do not want to do that now. I want to stay in the present and focus on getting better. On giving my all to my friends and family. To showing my husband the depth of my love and how grateful i am to him for loving me like he does so that i am in the place of safety to let my deep emotions flow so that i can heal and move forward. But i am scared and it is all to much some days. I am no longer in the darkness that made me suicidal. And for that i am grateful. But breathing is so hard sometimes. Fear is chocking me and locking me in place. I need to find a way out of some of this.I need to find my bold back. I am not sure where it went.

 

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admitting my fear

Sitting at work i am looking at my appointment book and cringing. It is not as busy as i would like, not as busy as i think i need it to be. And i know how to fix that, I know how to hustle to boost that business. But i am afraid. Some nagging health issues are slowing me down. And until i get a clear plan of action with the Dr. I am caught in limbo. Can i stay doing this or will i need a change of career? If i need surgery, how long is my down time going to be? Will i even need surgery? The not knowing is keeping me stuck and i  hate this feeling. So i just keep sitting here wondering and worrying instead of acting. I have plans in my head but even those scare me. I know how to make this business boom but if i do that  will it affect my marriage? Other than the happiness and health of my daughter nothing is more important to me than making this marriage a long and happy one. So i am taking a deep breath and counting to 10. Taking the time to remember to practice patience and let things work themselves out.

My hands are tied

They say children should come with instruction manuals. And i think that little ones don’t need it. What is needed is one for your over 20 children. And it needs lots of chapters. Ones on how to deal when they are in a relationship and one for when that relationships goes to hell. I have tried to be a good mom, to stay out of her business unless she asks me. But it seems that now i have fucked it up again. I am at a loss. How do you know what is enough and what is to much? Her heart is broken and i understand but you have to choose to be happy, to move forward. And so much of her is like her dad, a silent brooder. I am a “lets talk this over and fix it” kind of woman.

All i can do it tell her i love her, offer to help where i can and patiently wait until she decides to talk to me. But she is driving me crazy. She is mad because she thinks i don’t make enough time for her, but refuses to talk to me cause she is mad, or ignores invitations to activities. I think she is a teenager all over again. Help me…