I need INK

I did not start getting tattoos until i was in my 30’s. They mark moments in my life of grand importance. The last one was a cover up of a tattoo i had to mark my 20 something year anniversary to my 1st husband. The cover up was not to remove it from my life but to mark my skin for myself instead of for someone else. It had been a vain attempt to elicit some type of emotion or reaction from him. It was a pointless gesture.

Ink for me at this point is almost cathartic. To put something beautiful on my skin. To have a few hours of physical pain to distract me from the mental pain. My only child is still not speaking to me and i have been denied the reason behind her actions. It eats at my core every day. But i have come to a few conclusions on my own. I am happy in my life. And she currently is not. I will not be miserable to make her more comfortable in her sadness. If she is angry at me over choices i made during my divorce from her father then so be it. I was in a bad mental and emotional place and i fucked up. I know this, but i can not take those things back.

I need some peace, I need some pain, I need some ink. Some will not understand the pain thing. I don’t always get it myself. But there is some thing about a small amount of pain that brings things into focus. It reminds you that you are fully alive and want to be. It is not about dying or sadness. At least not for me. It is about clarity. For now my budget will not allow me the luxury. So i will try to find that peace by writing.  Words and music have always been healing for me. So I am breathing deep, cranking up the tunes and having a good cry until i can afford to let my skin take some of this from my broken mommy heart.

Just touch me

My body aches. Yes some of it was physical pain from all that life had dealt her way but most of it was sheer want. No… not want, NEED.

It had been a long time since I have enjoyed a good massage. My therapist had moved from town and my lack of trust had spiked. I know it was part of the reason my brain runs laps around itself. My king helps to calm the mind storm most of the time but this was different. The need was not sexual in nature but one that came from skilled hands making the mind and body find its balance. And lord knows my balance was off, way off.

It was amazing to me how those massages every 3 weeks had been so good for my mental health as well as my physical. I care to much, felt to deep. And carrying all of that in my soul had an effect on my  body. If i only had the ability to turn off my emotions then things would be calmer in my world. But i have never found the switch. and truth be told i did not ever go looking for it. My ability to feel so much is a part of myself that i enjoy. It helps me feel real. It also rips at my guts and my mind and my body.

Lately my balance had been further upset by her own daughter. Their disconnection is causing my entire being to spin wildly out of balance. My mind runs wild with the what could be, and what was wrong and how to fix it. But you can’t fix things when people refuse to talk. So for now i am forced to just breath deep and hope that in time she will want to talk to her mom again. What eats at me the most was the not knowing.

How do you just pick up the phone and let anyone touch you? It is not like getting a pedicure. This is you bare skin in the hands of another. This is the energy that flows through your body being tapped into by another human being. This is the time when you just let go of it all and hope that the hands you are in are of a kind and spiritual person who can deal with all of the energy you are in need of releasing. I am sure it is not that way for everyone, but it is for me. It is more than physical therapy, it is emotional release. It is a transfer of energy from my inner most self out into the world. Some will scoff, some will understand. But for me it takes trust and at this moment i need to find that trust and release more than anything else. So i am going to pick up the phone and say a prayer that i find the right person. Because i NEED this right now, really bad.