I feel pretty

I say that and laugh because it sounds so silly. But it is true. I never felt pretty. I have had moments when i have felt sexy as fuck. But to just feel pretty….

I grew up hearing my mom say ” you could  be so pretty if only…” usually it was about my weight. And as an adult looking back i was not fat, i just wasn’t a size 5. I had womanly curves as a teen. But it was and still is not the STANDARD for beauty.

As a married woman, the first trip around, my ex never told me i was pretty. He would tell me i looked nice. But that is far from a declaration of beauty to your spouse.

My King tells me i am beautiful, and i have begun to feel it more and more. But he loves me and i should be pretty in his eyes. And because he is a good man it is his duty to tell me that often. And trust me he does. There have been moments lately where i have heard other men tell my husband that he has a beautiful wife. Those have left me stunned. As a plus size woman, hell as a woman, you never expect random strangers to see you, much less see you as attractive. That is just not something that ever happened in my world. But it has and every time it does i feel two things. Pride in myself and proud because it is a gift i can give my husband. That others would acknowledge and tell him. I hope that it makes him proud to have me as his wife.

So even today with my hair showing its grey roots i have looked in the mirror and smiled at the reflection there and  said ” Hello pretty lady” and meant it.

celebrations

It was that holiday. The one where the candy company tells you to love someone with gifts. Personally my least favorite of the year. I hate the idea of a mandated day of love when it clearly should be everyday. But who am i to argue with Hallmark and Hershey.

So i caved and put a card and candy bar in my kings lunch box. to be honest i love cards. Pretty little notes that are unexpected. Words of love given to stir the heart and soul of your lover in the middle of a mundane work week.

I was shocked to see my king burst through the front door at work carrying a card and candy and teddy bear with a big heart balloon attached. He always surprises me. The gifts were sweet, but it was more the fact that he stopped in the middle of his day to see me. That made the day worth it all.

Evening was another gift all in itself. I planned a surf and turf country style. Elk steak, shrimp, baked potato, salad and fresh fruit. Followed by a home made chocolate cherry pie. But no holiday of love would have been complete without the right outfit. So i made sure this one was spot on perfect for his style.

Pink lace  panties, thigh high stockings with heels of course. a very mini denim mini skirt and a white wife beater with a pink lace bra underneath. The effect was clearly evident. It was all either one of us could do to not just stop dinner and have human desert first.

I love the tease. It is like the abundance of naughty suggestive texts during the day. It builds hunger. Patience while wearing that kind of outfit is a challenge but by the time you cave to the carnal lust it is so worth the wait.

Life gave me the best V day ever. I finally don’t hate that holiday. My king made me feel special. Made me the center of his universe in a big way that day. I had no room to doubt his want or desire of me. There was no porn or naughty conversations about other people in our play. It was just us two and sometimes that is the best of all. Knowing that I was the one who made him hungry and i alone was all he needed to fill that hunger.

I know, I love the porn and the dirty idea of adding a third, but as a girl you need to know from time to time that you are all he needs. Life is so good.

 

 

 

sexual fantasies

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself where yours came from? What makes some things trip your trigger and some turn you off fast? It is something i have thought of but not with the clarity i have today.

I have baby girl fantasies. Now, with my history of childhood sexual assault, many would thing it strange. But today i understood it better than ever. My step dad was all about innocence and purity.  I was a good girl. Given white and pastel colors to wear. It was never about me touching him. Only him touching me. He loved to shock me but exposing himself. He thrived off of the idea of purity.

As an adult during my first marriage there was NO  fantasy play. Now that i am in a healthy loving relationship the play is abundant. And i have explored age play. Now I get that it has nothing to do with the abuse.  For me being a baby girl is about 2 things, the safety and love and feeling very special. The other is about being   a BAD GIRL.  This baby girl is naughty and dirty and loves it. There is no innocence to it. And i love that. I thrive off of the balance of loving safety and the complete ownership that my king has over me as his baby girl. How i can make daddy feel good and be a sexual creature without stupid rules of proper behavior.

To be fair we also have Mommy play.  I had some hickups with it in the beginning. But began to understand that it is about 2 things as well. The loving protectiveness of a mommy as well as the dominate control of TEACHING your cub how to give you great sex. It is a lot to grasp sometimes but great communication leads to amazing sex. Loving this life and all it has given me.