Life, love and the fear of losing

The mental battles are the worst. Life itself can be great and one little thing will set you off down a dark path that you know does not belong in your current life. Old shit is not new shit and should not be there, but.

Lord knows i have intimacy issues. I also have self worth issues and compliments are still hard for me to simply accept. So toss in life in general and the fact that i am battling my value as a parent and it does not take much for my self esteem and worth to be a little challenged. Take a few days without the physical and my mental goes to shit. I start wondering if i have done something wrong or if reality, old life shit, has finally reared it’s ugly head.  I share a healthy fantasy life with my King but in those moments of self doubt i wonder if he would be better off with someone else. There are times when i wish i could just put his fantasy in his bed and then i would know if it’s just fantasy or if there is something deeper.

Basically i live in a state of constant self bout that is fueled by fear. Not so much fear but preparation. If you prepare for the worst it does not hurt so much when it happens.  Living like this is not healthy. It will destroy me and my happiness and those i love if i can not get it under control and find a way to not be afraid. My world is small, those in it are important to me. I fear loss and of the day when you are no longer loved and easily replaced. It sucks when you live like this and the man in your life has to constantly battle that. It wears them down and eventually they don’t want to fight your old shit any more. So i know that if it all dies it’s my own fault. Lord help me find my inner peace because  i do not know if i could take losing the love i have now. It would be the end of me.