This life

I never imagined i would be living this life. And before you go running off down some rabbit hole let me say this life is good. Yes there have been some rough moments but this is the nature of things.

I am not sure what i thought life would be like. My parents certainly did not have the white picket fence life. But somewhere in my 19 year old brain that is what i thought marriage was. By the time my daughter came when i was 21 it was clear picket fences were not in the cards. Hard work was on tap and my career was moving forward. My marriage was dying but i thought that if i worked hard and made things financially easier the marriage would rebound. It didn’t.

So here i am days past my 47th birthday on marriage number 2. Living  a life that i never imagined. Being loved every day by a man 10 years younger. We see the world through different glasses but somehow it works. There is a balance to life that feels good. I see big change in the wind. I think it has its good and bad points but i know that we will sit down and talk it all out. It could mean some changes in how we live life but change is what causes growth and that is always a good thing.

Is life perfect? Hell no. Nothing in life is. I am not even sure what perfect looks like. But i do know that things are as close to perfect as they could ever be. And i am choosing to live happy. To embrace the changes that come and to see the sun even on a cloudy day.

Thank you my King for being my sun.

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blessed

He knows me better than anyone ever has. He sees everything and misses nothing. This morning he looked at me and asked me whats wrong. I don’t really know. It is nothing big just little things. My body hurts in ways it has not and that has me unsettled. My car is in the shop and i am driving a rental that is way to fancy and i just want my car back. I am moving bank accounts and rescheduling payments and i hate that process. Change has become the enemy of my peaceful mind. My daughter is still not talking to me and some days it rips out my heart. Her birthday and my own are days away and that has created sadness. I need to clean the carpets at home. It is the little stresses that add up sometimes and make me feel overwhelmed.

The only way i keep my shit together is the fact that my King loves me in ways i have never known. In every conversation with other people i understand just how wonderful of a man i have. I have always seen the best qualities in him. The ones he does not seem to know he has. But others see them as well. I know that in a heart beat another woman would happily take my place. It makes me a proud wife to know people love him and see all of the goodness in him. It also makes me very aware that i have to stay on my toes because if i were to take even a half step back there would be a line of women waiting to take my place. How i got so lucky i will never know.

I am going to work my way through the changes one piece at a time. Lots of deep breaths on the paper work and it will all work out and once sorted life will actually be easier. As for my daughter i can only love her until she chooses to talk to me again. And i know i can lean on the love of my King until that day.

I am looking forward to my birthday. We are taking a couple of days to just be together and relax and i need it to help clear my mind. I just want peace. I want to be able to enjoy the blessings in my life. I want the anxiety level to return to the place where i can breath easier and be in THIS moment instead of living in the worry. But with him by my side always holding my hand i know it will all be ok.

I love you my king. there will never be enough ways to show you, to tell you, to let you know the goodness and love you have brought into my life.