How I knew i was loved

Trust me when i tell you i am very aware every day that i am loved. But there are those defining moments that you never forget. When i was married before my then husband and i would talk about the day when we could retire and the life we wanted. When asked he would say that all he needed to be happy was a chunk of land, his truck, his dog and his hunting gear. I would look at him and ask if that was all. After a pause he would look at me and go Oh yeah and my wife. It gutted me every time.

Now here we are years later and i am remarried. Life every day is good. So driving down the road my husband, my king, realizes he has no lighter. this is tragic in his world. I pull one out of my pocket and laughingly ask him what he would do without me. He response melted my heart. I would be a wreck, living in the poor house, a shell of a human with an alcoholic girlfriend working 2 jobs. No i would just die. That is what my life would be without you.

How time changes and how great it is to be so loved.

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This life

I never imagined i would be living this life. And before you go running off down some rabbit hole let me say this life is good. Yes there have been some rough moments but this is the nature of things.

I am not sure what i thought life would be like. My parents certainly did not have the white picket fence life. But somewhere in my 19 year old brain that is what i thought marriage was. By the time my daughter came when i was 21 it was clear picket fences were not in the cards. Hard work was on tap and my career was moving forward. My marriage was dying but i thought that if i worked hard and made things financially easier the marriage would rebound. It didn’t.

So here i am days past my 47th birthday on marriage number 2. Living  a life that i never imagined. Being loved every day by a man 10 years younger. We see the world through different glasses but somehow it works. There is a balance to life that feels good. I see big change in the wind. I think it has its good and bad points but i know that we will sit down and talk it all out. It could mean some changes in how we live life but change is what causes growth and that is always a good thing.

Is life perfect? Hell no. Nothing in life is. I am not even sure what perfect looks like. But i do know that things are as close to perfect as they could ever be. And i am choosing to live happy. To embrace the changes that come and to see the sun even on a cloudy day.

Thank you my King for being my sun.

Love, Life, Weddings and Weekends

Some times in life you just have to stop and really take it all in. Tomorrow some dear friends are getting married. They  have had many challenges but they bring out the best in each other. The groom has told me more than once that he decided to take the leap because he saw the happiness my king and i share. We all have had the training marriages. And  we all had plenty of reason to never do that again. But love will always find a way. Happiness is there if you just choose it. So tomorrow we will choose happiness again. And then on the 15th my King and i will celebrate our 2nd anniversary. I am happier than ever because every day i choose it. And i am blessed in this life to have a man who also chooses to be happy even when things are hard. So smile, face the sun, dance in the rain and choose. Choose to be happy even when life is shit.

celebrations

It was that holiday. The one where the candy company tells you to love someone with gifts. Personally my least favorite of the year. I hate the idea of a mandated day of love when it clearly should be everyday. But who am i to argue with Hallmark and Hershey.

So i caved and put a card and candy bar in my kings lunch box. to be honest i love cards. Pretty little notes that are unexpected. Words of love given to stir the heart and soul of your lover in the middle of a mundane work week.

I was shocked to see my king burst through the front door at work carrying a card and candy and teddy bear with a big heart balloon attached. He always surprises me. The gifts were sweet, but it was more the fact that he stopped in the middle of his day to see me. That made the day worth it all.

Evening was another gift all in itself. I planned a surf and turf country style. Elk steak, shrimp, baked potato, salad and fresh fruit. Followed by a home made chocolate cherry pie. But no holiday of love would have been complete without the right outfit. So i made sure this one was spot on perfect for his style.

Pink lace  panties, thigh high stockings with heels of course. a very mini denim mini skirt and a white wife beater with a pink lace bra underneath. The effect was clearly evident. It was all either one of us could do to not just stop dinner and have human desert first.

I love the tease. It is like the abundance of naughty suggestive texts during the day. It builds hunger. Patience while wearing that kind of outfit is a challenge but by the time you cave to the carnal lust it is so worth the wait.

Life gave me the best V day ever. I finally don’t hate that holiday. My king made me feel special. Made me the center of his universe in a big way that day. I had no room to doubt his want or desire of me. There was no porn or naughty conversations about other people in our play. It was just us two and sometimes that is the best of all. Knowing that I was the one who made him hungry and i alone was all he needed to fill that hunger.

I know, I love the porn and the dirty idea of adding a third, but as a girl you need to know from time to time that you are all he needs. Life is so good.

 

 

 

I need INK

I did not start getting tattoos until i was in my 30’s. They mark moments in my life of grand importance. The last one was a cover up of a tattoo i had to mark my 20 something year anniversary to my 1st husband. The cover up was not to remove it from my life but to mark my skin for myself instead of for someone else. It had been a vain attempt to elicit some type of emotion or reaction from him. It was a pointless gesture.

Ink for me at this point is almost cathartic. To put something beautiful on my skin. To have a few hours of physical pain to distract me from the mental pain. My only child is still not speaking to me and i have been denied the reason behind her actions. It eats at my core every day. But i have come to a few conclusions on my own. I am happy in my life. And she currently is not. I will not be miserable to make her more comfortable in her sadness. If she is angry at me over choices i made during my divorce from her father then so be it. I was in a bad mental and emotional place and i fucked up. I know this, but i can not take those things back.

I need some peace, I need some pain, I need some ink. Some will not understand the pain thing. I don’t always get it myself. But there is some thing about a small amount of pain that brings things into focus. It reminds you that you are fully alive and want to be. It is not about dying or sadness. At least not for me. It is about clarity. For now my budget will not allow me the luxury. So i will try to find that peace by writing.  Words and music have always been healing for me. So I am breathing deep, cranking up the tunes and having a good cry until i can afford to let my skin take some of this from my broken mommy heart.

Things i can’t control

I never thought I was a control freak. That was my ex husband. But as time has gone on i am realizing that I am. I like order and structure mixed with just a touch of mayhem for fun. That being said i am in a strange place in my life. I am so overly emotional lately. I was not sure why, now, i seem to be more in touch with my feelings than ever. It is the fact that for the first time in my life i am in truly a safe place. I am allowed to feel and express without judgment. And because of that I am flooded with all of the feelings i have stuffed for so long.  And it is a bit overwhelming to say the least.

Right now the waves of emotion are at an all time high. And i need to write my way through them so that i can properly process them and come to grips with all that i am feeling.

Most importantly is my relationship with my daughter. She is 25 and recently divorced. It was a bad marriage and there were step children involved. She was deeply attached to the kids. And It is a situation that she is not handling. But as of this moment i have been banned from her life. She is angry with me and while i am not clear at to all of the reasons it is clear that my divorce from her father 3 years ago is causing her some delayed anger. in my head you can not fix what you will not talk about. But this is how her dad acts so i have no control over that and have to sit here patiently and quietly until she decides to talk to me. It is eating me up inside but I am reminded that all i can control is my own response. So for now i am giving her space even though it is killing me slowly inside.

We have had more than our fare share of loss in the last year. We went to a funeral yesterday of a 62 yr old woman who died suddenly from an infection that was not caught in time. She was a vibrant and loving woman dedicated to faith and family. In love with the same guy since she was 14. As i sat in that gym and watched and listened i was faced with a hard cold fact. When i die it will be like nothing really happened. I am disconnected from all of my family. My daughter is pulling away from me. My husband whom i love dearly probably won’t out live me even though he is 10 years younger. So that makes one consider their mortality more than is probably healthy. And that leads to another stress point. Why am i working so hard at a career to make money when there will be no one to leave anything to?

The medical bills are piling up and i feel like i am drowning. I made some uninformed, uneducated decisions and now there will be at some point some financial reprecusions. I wake up in full panic mode in the middle of the night over that. I am not even sure how bad it is because i am to afraid to look into it. Mostly because i know that i do not have the money to fix it. And until i dig into it, it appears that it is being missed by the collectors.  It makes me want to walk away from my career and hope that the bad decisions never show up to destroy me. And that is all my nerves can handle. So i am not going to talk about it any more today.

There are people i need to check up on. But in my heart i know the news is not good. So i am avoiding it. And that is not like me at all.I have some health issues that i do not know how to cope with and i will not have any further information until early December.So that is eating at me. I fear that I will wear out my husband and that one day he will look at me and declare that i am just to much. I will not ever be surprised if he looks at me one day and says “get out”. I am almost to much for myself to deal with.

When my first marriage was falling apart i  dove into a fantasy world to cope. I do not want to do that now. I want to stay in the present and focus on getting better. On giving my all to my friends and family. To showing my husband the depth of my love and how grateful i am to him for loving me like he does so that i am in the place of safety to let my deep emotions flow so that i can heal and move forward. But i am scared and it is all to much some days. I am no longer in the darkness that made me suicidal. And for that i am grateful. But breathing is so hard sometimes. Fear is chocking me and locking me in place. I need to find a way out of some of this.I need to find my bold back. I am not sure where it went.

 

in my skin

my face denies my age

but my hands rat me out

it is still soft and smooth to the touch

but more and more i see the fine lines of time

some days i feel confined in it

as if i am trapped here on this mortal plane

i know that my body can not roam the places my  mind goes

and yet if i could only escape my skin i just might make it

i look at my hands and wonder who they belong to

and then i see the marks and scars of this life and smile

these are my markers of time, these are my constant companions

This is where my age and wisdom live

in the crimson colored finger nails made so by last nights clients hair color

in the scars from one scared and rescued puppy

in the marks left from shears that cut me instead of one wiggly child after another

in the broken nail from a weekend of hard labor hauling fire wood for winter warmth

my hands also carry my wedding ring the beautiful reminder of second chances and of love

It is true that some days i wish i could shed my skin and become someone else

someone who has not lived the harsh realities of my past

someone who has less marks and less age

but i am reminded that it is not my skin that holds these things but my mind

and there in lies the rub

I dare not forget lest i repeat the past and that is my greatest fear

That in time i will once again  lose all that i hold dear

That my skin will no longer feel the soft touch of loving hands

That my heart will no longer know love

That my ears will no longer hear laughter and

That My eyes will no longer see the beauty of this life

So i honor my memories and all of the lessons of my life

And i embrace the age on my skin and pray that i will always know the love i now cherish

self confidence

Today i find myself wondering if it is something you just have or not? Is it something you can build within yourself and if so does it come from within or does it come from the admiration of others?

I have always lacked it. I grew up hearing “you could be so pretty, if only” Lord knows there were plenty of “if only things”

I have had it when it came to my career, but personally it is something i lack. I have had moments of it. But upon reflection those moments were when i was living a fantasy life and was constantly being told how sexy and lovely and wonderful i was. But was it real or only lines in a play?  I loved how those moments felt and i know i carried myself differently in those moments. But i am not in that space. I am happier now than i was in those days but i do find myself looking in the mirror and find myself lacking. I do not want that view of myself. I want to be bold and daring and confident.

So i am trying to focus on my own self worth and not my value as seen through the eyes of others. I want to walk into a room like some kind of wild life force and have people drawn to me. Not simply because i am sweet and kind and giving, but because i am vibrant and beautiful and dynamic. It all sounds very superficial and that makes me gag. But i am after all just a girl and i do not know of any woman who has not felt the same.

We all want to be smart and pretty. We want to be known as the good and kind and loving and giving one, with the knock out looks and the wicked smile and ” those eyes”.

I am working on it. And who knows, maybe one day i will be fully self confident in my own skin. One day, one breath, one moment at a time.

Gratitude

Life is wonder(filled). It is not always easy but it is always worth the effort. This past holiday weekend was one of the best of my life. For 20 plus years that was the beginning of my vacation, our annual anniversary celebration, the trip i busted my ass to pay for. There were good memories but in the end i hated that holiday like i hated Valentines.

Oh how life has changed. I spent this one with my King.WORKING. And it was wonderful. I am sore and tired but proud. The changes we made to our home are beautiful. Yes there is so much more to do, but we are doing it together, as a team, as a family. I finally have what i wanted for so many years. Family and love and passion and fire. I spent my time enveloped in his smile and in his presence. I love being around him, of us tearing apart the old and making the new, making it OURS. Letting go of the past is never easy. We think we have, then we have moments and realize that we are human and we never can erase the memories we want. We simply learn to navigate around the hard ones and smile at the good ones and do our best to make new ones to fill the spaces in our heads until the old ones have no room. So they get put in the mental attic and left to gather dust.

I am glad that things change, that life is a continous circle moving ever forward. I am in the best part of my life right now and i would not trade a moment of it. I am so happy to be his Queen. This is the good life.

working on the inhale/exhale

Waking up at 4 am with panic attacks sucks. My gut tightens up, my chest hurts, i can’t breath and i want to scream. My brain starts rolling about all of the things in life i have no control over. And then i hear him toss and turn on his side of the bed and i just choose. I choose to slowly inhale, to take in the scent of my king and try and feel the calming effects of his presence. Then comes the exhale and with it i try to let go of all that i can not control. I focus on the important things in life. The fact that for the most part everyone is healthy. Yes we have issues but nothing we can’t survive. I Listen to him breath and know that it will all be ok. It will be ok because every day we choose. We choose to keep working at this life. The love part is easy, it’s the life part that is a challenge. I hope to find a way to stop the anxiety. Living with it is hard. But he is all i want. He keeps me grounded when my emotions attempt to fly off into the abyss. He holds my hand in the dark moments and reminds me that this is just a moment and it will pass.

I have tried not to think to much about my daughter moving away. But i have to. And what it all comes down to is… I always want her close by. She may move and find that the place she left at age 3 is no mythical land. Then again she may find a man who fills her heart and choose to stay there and have a family. Lord knows i will cry the day she has babies that i can not go hug every day. Hell i hate it when i don’t see her for a week and she only lives 8 miles away. But i have to sit back and look at it without the mom glasses. She is 25 and strong and smart and confident. She has wisdom i did not have at her age. She is sometimes smarter than i am even now at 46. So i choose… I choose to let her go without making her feel guilt for choosing her life. I want her to live every moment as if it were the last. And if that means moving, well so be it.

Life is all choice and action upon that choice. It is breathing through the rough times and laughing through the good ones. I am breathing and choosing and accepting change.

One day, one breath, one moment at a time.

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