Things i can’t control

I never thought I was a control freak. That was my ex husband. But as time has gone on i am realizing that I am. I like order and structure mixed with just a touch of mayhem for fun. That being said i am in a strange place in my life. I am so overly emotional lately. I was not sure why, now, i seem to be more in touch with my feelings than ever. It is the fact that for the first time in my life i am in truly a safe place. I am allowed to feel and express without judgment. And because of that I am flooded with all of the feelings i have stuffed for so long.  And it is a bit overwhelming to say the least.

Right now the waves of emotion are at an all time high. And i need to write my way through them so that i can properly process them and come to grips with all that i am feeling.

Most importantly is my relationship with my daughter. She is 25 and recently divorced. It was a bad marriage and there were step children involved. She was deeply attached to the kids. And It is a situation that she is not handling. But as of this moment i have been banned from her life. She is angry with me and while i am not clear at to all of the reasons it is clear that my divorce from her father 3 years ago is causing her some delayed anger. in my head you can not fix what you will not talk about. But this is how her dad acts so i have no control over that and have to sit here patiently and quietly until she decides to talk to me. It is eating me up inside but I am reminded that all i can control is my own response. So for now i am giving her space even though it is killing me slowly inside.

We have had more than our fare share of loss in the last year. We went to a funeral yesterday of a 62 yr old woman who died suddenly from an infection that was not caught in time. She was a vibrant and loving woman dedicated to faith and family. In love with the same guy since she was 14. As i sat in that gym and watched and listened i was faced with a hard cold fact. When i die it will be like nothing really happened. I am disconnected from all of my family. My daughter is pulling away from me. My husband whom i love dearly probably won’t out live me even though he is 10 years younger. So that makes one consider their mortality more than is probably healthy. And that leads to another stress point. Why am i working so hard at a career to make money when there will be no one to leave anything to?

The medical bills are piling up and i feel like i am drowning. I made some uninformed, uneducated decisions and now there will be at some point some financial reprecusions. I wake up in full panic mode in the middle of the night over that. I am not even sure how bad it is because i am to afraid to look into it. Mostly because i know that i do not have the money to fix it. And until i dig into it, it appears that it is being missed by the collectors.  It makes me want to walk away from my career and hope that the bad decisions never show up to destroy me. And that is all my nerves can handle. So i am not going to talk about it any more today.

There are people i need to check up on. But in my heart i know the news is not good. So i am avoiding it. And that is not like me at all.I have some health issues that i do not know how to cope with and i will not have any further information until early December.So that is eating at me. I fear that I will wear out my husband and that one day he will look at me and declare that i am just to much. I will not ever be surprised if he looks at me one day and says “get out”. I am almost to much for myself to deal with.

When my first marriage was falling apart i  dove into a fantasy world to cope. I do not want to do that now. I want to stay in the present and focus on getting better. On giving my all to my friends and family. To showing my husband the depth of my love and how grateful i am to him for loving me like he does so that i am in the place of safety to let my deep emotions flow so that i can heal and move forward. But i am scared and it is all to much some days. I am no longer in the darkness that made me suicidal. And for that i am grateful. But breathing is so hard sometimes. Fear is chocking me and locking me in place. I need to find a way out of some of this.I need to find my bold back. I am not sure where it went.

 

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Farewell

It’s a weird day to say the least. AT 5 am my mother messaged me to says my grandmother had passed. She was 93 and was frail beyond words after an unattended fall. While i have  a few fond memories of my grandmother i have more that i care not to share. She was a hard woman. Vain beyond words and fervent in her religious beliefs. I was her first born grandchild but by far not her favorite. Had i been born to one of her other children things would have been different. But grandmother and my mother had a difficult relationship. And i think it is part of the reason my Mother and i have the same relationship.

I know the family will be mad when i do not show for her services. But they can not ever get together without a world war happening. And i do not have space for that in my life anymore. My loving King has helped me find peace with the past and to understand that you have to accept people as they are. My Aunts and Uncles are in they 60’s and 70’s. Their attitudes and opinions are set in stone. I walk my own road and it is not necessarly a path they would travel. So i am going to remember the good moments, Let go of the hurtful ones and keep trying to find a managable peace with my mother.

And every time i wear a dress with no slip and no hose i will laugh and remember my Grandmother. She is after all the woman who taught me all of my LADYLIKE qualities. And the reason i break them at every turn. She is also the reason i will color my hair until the last breath has left my soul. I refuse to go grey. She was for as long as i can remember. good by you stubborn woman. I will always love New Years thanks to you and to the man who loves me.

A love like theirs

One phone call can stop you dead in your tracks. After 25 years behind the chair clients become friends and family. And their loss stings. I can only hope that at the end of my days on this earth someone feels as i do right now. I hope my life and love with my king is as inspiring.

Shaemus has left us and while i did not get to know him before the Alzeheimers it was abundantly clear that he loved his wife with all of his soul. The sweet loving kindness between the two of them warmed my heart. She lead him through the end of his days with the same respect she always had. She never treated him as if he were any less than he had always been.  A brilliant man with an amazing brain and a loving heart. They went to lunch and played cards with good friends even on days when he forgot the meaning of the numbers on them. But he never forgot her.

The tears will flow. And tomorrow will be hard when she walks in my door without him. But at the end of the day i am blessed to have a man by my side who i know loves me like Shaemus loved Virginia.