Hello 2017

This morning i had so much to say. My body and my mind are a minefield at the moment. Physically i feel battered. My joints ache like crazy, my heart hurts because my child is still shutting me out. I wept on my drive in because i felt beaten by things out of my control. I went to work like a responsible adult and hours later my body still hurts and my heart still weeps, but i am choosing Happiness.

It has been my constant mantra since the new year. I have been blessed in so many ways. I refuse to live unhappy. I will not let presumed guilt beat me. I will not cave to someone else’s  misery. 2016 held so many lessons and the one i learned above all else is i have no control over anything in this world except for my own responses to life. And i choose JOY, I choose Happiness, I choose TRust and Faith and Goodness even in the face of adversity and bitterness and anger and I choose LOVE.

Never have i felt love like this. It is more than just the love of my King, but of family and friends and of SELF. Yes i said SELF. I can look in the mirror and say with certianty that i love myself. I do not look at the age that is showing as a bad thing. I see wisdom of years. I do not curse the softness around my middle but know that it is there because i brought life into this world. Life that, despite the current situation, is good and will make the world a better place because her heart is golden.  I see grey hair and thank god for hair color. I am not ready to face those genetics yet. I can not see things close up without glasses but i am grateful that i have those darn things so that i can continue making the world a prettier place one head of hair at a time.

Life is good if you let it be. Set backs happen. But as long as we have breath in our lungs we have a choice and a chance to make our world better. So breath and do and be your best self in this moment. The next moment is another choice. Make it a good one.

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Things i can’t control

I never thought I was a control freak. That was my ex husband. But as time has gone on i am realizing that I am. I like order and structure mixed with just a touch of mayhem for fun. That being said i am in a strange place in my life. I am so overly emotional lately. I was not sure why, now, i seem to be more in touch with my feelings than ever. It is the fact that for the first time in my life i am in truly a safe place. I am allowed to feel and express without judgment. And because of that I am flooded with all of the feelings i have stuffed for so long.  And it is a bit overwhelming to say the least.

Right now the waves of emotion are at an all time high. And i need to write my way through them so that i can properly process them and come to grips with all that i am feeling.

Most importantly is my relationship with my daughter. She is 25 and recently divorced. It was a bad marriage and there were step children involved. She was deeply attached to the kids. And It is a situation that she is not handling. But as of this moment i have been banned from her life. She is angry with me and while i am not clear at to all of the reasons it is clear that my divorce from her father 3 years ago is causing her some delayed anger. in my head you can not fix what you will not talk about. But this is how her dad acts so i have no control over that and have to sit here patiently and quietly until she decides to talk to me. It is eating me up inside but I am reminded that all i can control is my own response. So for now i am giving her space even though it is killing me slowly inside.

We have had more than our fare share of loss in the last year. We went to a funeral yesterday of a 62 yr old woman who died suddenly from an infection that was not caught in time. She was a vibrant and loving woman dedicated to faith and family. In love with the same guy since she was 14. As i sat in that gym and watched and listened i was faced with a hard cold fact. When i die it will be like nothing really happened. I am disconnected from all of my family. My daughter is pulling away from me. My husband whom i love dearly probably won’t out live me even though he is 10 years younger. So that makes one consider their mortality more than is probably healthy. And that leads to another stress point. Why am i working so hard at a career to make money when there will be no one to leave anything to?

The medical bills are piling up and i feel like i am drowning. I made some uninformed, uneducated decisions and now there will be at some point some financial reprecusions. I wake up in full panic mode in the middle of the night over that. I am not even sure how bad it is because i am to afraid to look into it. Mostly because i know that i do not have the money to fix it. And until i dig into it, it appears that it is being missed by the collectors.  It makes me want to walk away from my career and hope that the bad decisions never show up to destroy me. And that is all my nerves can handle. So i am not going to talk about it any more today.

There are people i need to check up on. But in my heart i know the news is not good. So i am avoiding it. And that is not like me at all.I have some health issues that i do not know how to cope with and i will not have any further information until early December.So that is eating at me. I fear that I will wear out my husband and that one day he will look at me and declare that i am just to much. I will not ever be surprised if he looks at me one day and says “get out”. I am almost to much for myself to deal with.

When my first marriage was falling apart i  dove into a fantasy world to cope. I do not want to do that now. I want to stay in the present and focus on getting better. On giving my all to my friends and family. To showing my husband the depth of my love and how grateful i am to him for loving me like he does so that i am in the place of safety to let my deep emotions flow so that i can heal and move forward. But i am scared and it is all to much some days. I am no longer in the darkness that made me suicidal. And for that i am grateful. But breathing is so hard sometimes. Fear is chocking me and locking me in place. I need to find a way out of some of this.I need to find my bold back. I am not sure where it went.

 

a moment of verbal diarrhea.

Life is not perfect. No one is, so why do i keep trying so to hard to be the impossible? I set myself up for disappointment. I set those i love up for disappointment. I basically sabotage life.

I am tired. I hurt every day and yet i keep trying to ignore it and pretend that things are fine. I have to stop pushing so hard. But if i don’t push things won’t get done. Bills will not get paid, my house will be in a bigger mess than it is. I feel more and more like a failure in this life.

I am grateful to be so utterly in love. That is my savior in this life. A man who loves me so much. I see it in his eyes when he speaks and i know he has the same fears i do. We do not want repeats of the past. We can not take that kind of loss again. So together we keep trying. We try to hard sometimes and in doing so we mess up. But together we keep trying. And i guess that is the important part, together.

Do i miss being single? What the hell kind of question is that? I miss the simplicity of it. I do not miss the emptiness of it. Single was easy. I had no one else to think about, worry over. I got up and ate and went to work. I had singular focus. I lived in fantasy. I was wickedly sassy because i found confidence. But is was a false confidence. No one took the time to know the inside of me, the messed up scared to fail side. I have always been able to smile on the outside when my inside was dying. But these days i find it harder to lie because you see past the smile.

Single… If i were i would find a way to go back to school and learn to teach this skill i have been working at for 25 years. I would put my energy into my job and take it completely off of myself. I would no longer look for love but simply settle into existence. It would be empty and devoid of emotion. Mostly because feeling would be to hard. And no one else could fill the hole that you would have left behind. So do i miss being single? NO. Do in want to be single? NO. Do i want to be sassy again? YES. I have moments. But i think to much and i feel to much and i fail more than i succeed. And this lack of confidence is a perfect way to not be attractive to anyone. Hell i don’t even like myself at the moment.

I am afraid to make a choice or a decision because i might make it all worse. I am afraid to disappoint myself and my king. Hell i am afraid to disappoint everyone. I want to at this very moment go stand in the rain and either drown in it or have it wash away all of my fear.I am sick of the voices in my head that are only full of self doubt.

I had this conversation in my head that sickened me. I have a client who is 95 who said she married a younger man to finally have someone take care of her. I silently called her a bitter old witch. But this morning i heard my own brain say the same. I am so tired of taking care of everyone and everything. Now let me be clear… I love caring for my family. I love spoiling them. It is how i say i love you. But I …. i don’t know where this is going. I just feel so much pressure and it’s all to much. I wish i could be June Cleaver. I wish i could be my kings grandmother. Her life is and was taking care of her family. Her home is a place of sanctuary. Her meals are not just food but plates of love. Her job is their care and well being. I try but i am faced with reality. I am not some super woman. So i have a career i feel like i am failing at. My zeal for it is fading. I have a busy life that is full of love but i am overwhelmed. I have a king who loves me but i disappoint him way to often. I am not sure why he married me. I heard him make comment that he does not know why he is so afraid to grow up? Lord help me i need him to be one. I need him to be the team mate we have tried so hard to be for each other. I go home and all i see is work. A house to clean, laundry, dishes, floors, dogs to be feed, piles of things we have accumulated over time. And i am lost as to how to accomplish it all. He ask me to relax but how can i?

We go away for the weekend and end up yelling at him in frustration and fear. I hurt him when i had no cause to. I can’t even get a simple fishing trip to go smooth. I was so grateful when we returned home and he helped me put things back. That simple act let me breath. I don’t think i have been breathing since my daughter told me she is planning on moving out of state. I feel loss and it sucks. But i told her she had to follow her heart.

Enough…. I can’t spew anymore. I can’t cry right now. I have to clear my brain and get my ass to work so that i can do what i have always done and just take care of shit. Because it s my job, I am a motherfucking grown up. I am his queen, I am her mom, I am a kick ass hairdresser even though i am tired and it hurts. So i am going to breath deep and pray that i  can figure it all out. But like Scarlet O Hara i will think about it  tomorrow because today i just have to put on my big girl britches and just DO IT.

Insecurity

My level of insecurity is not normal. I try not to but i have such fear. I question everything. Am I enough? Do i do enough, try hard enough?  What can i do better? An i really desirable or just ok because i am here and willing? No one knows how many times a day i panic over that word. ENOUGH.  I make it impossible for anyone to love me or live with me because i am a bundle of doubt wrapped up in fear trying to be it all, do it all, just to be enough.

I am living a life that is full of love and happiness and i still wake up at 4 am having a panic attack that when the alarm clock goes off i will once again be living life at a run trying to stay ahead of everyone else so they can not see my failings, my flaws, my shortcomings. So that they can never see that i am not really all they think i am. Most people think I have my shit together, and trust me i can talk a good game, but it they could see beneath the surface they would know the ugly truth. I am just some scared little girl in her moms dress and shoes, playing this sick messed up game of grownup. Scared out of her wits.

Sunday i become a year older and i wish i were a year wiser. I wish i knew what the hell i was doing. I wish i had the ability to take my King and run away from the world. Because when i am in his arms i feel like everything is ok. That for a moment i am ok. That in that space and time I am enough. But let me walk away and the fear creeps in, it takes over and i am once again battling my own demons.  I don’t know how, but one day i will find a way to stop wondering and simply be ENOUGH.

Trying to breath

There are moments in life when you realize just how deeply you love someone. Just how precious they are to your being. I have been married before and faced some serious health crisis with the ex. I was always calm and level headed. I handled the situation like a pro.  I have determined that i did not deeply love that man, and here is why.

My king has a genetic blood disorder. It is best described this way… He has to much iron in his blood. His body does not process it like other people. The excess iron stays in your organs and joints and you essentially rust from the inside out. It is easily treated and managed through regular blood draws and diet management. So we have him scheduled for his first draw today.

Yesterday i was managing phone calls from the dr., the lab, and my king. The orders where not written correctly so i am still battling them to get that corrected. In the mean time i get a phone call that leveled me. A referral to the Cancer Treatment Center. No explanation as to why. I spent the next 2 hours waiting on the Dr. office to call me back to let me know the why. As it turns out that is where the hematologist is. I spent to long terrified that they were not telling us something.

Thanks to this new lovely health care system we have, General practitioners are are forced to send you to a specialist for every thing. Dr. offices are overloaded and can not give the kind of heartfelt care they once were able to do. They have multiple people working on your stuff so no one can give you a simple and direct answer.

At this moment i have slept very little. I have cried a lot. I am getting angrier by the moment waiting on people to do their jobs so that my king can get well. I have lived in devastating fear of losing him because some idiot called me with only part of the information necessary. I have been on the phone with his grandmother trying my best to calm her down. But i am reaching a point where someone is going to get yelled at. They are messing with the wrong red head.

I do not want to live in this world without my king. He as filled this life with love that never existed before. Yesterday evening he told me that were something to happen i needed to know that he loved me every day with every piece of himself. I have never been loved as this man loves me. And i have never loved as i love him.

My inner badger is trying hard to not show her claws and her teeth. I am fierce when it comes to protecting those i love. Our first anniversary is 17 days away. I want it to be filled with joy and love. Not this gut wrenching stress, not worry, not fear.

All i can say is that my phone better ring soon. And someone had better have some answers or i am getting in my car and driving down there. They do not want to see the wrath that will come when this girl lets the badger loose. Yes i am an Irish girl with a wicked inner Native american totem animal and red hair to boot. I am not someone you want to piss off.

Breath…. just breath. I guess this is one of those moments where my King reminds me to PRACTICE PATIENCE.