This life

I never imagined i would be living this life. And before you go running off down some rabbit hole let me say this life is good. Yes there have been some rough moments but this is the nature of things.

I am not sure what i thought life would be like. My parents certainly did not have the white picket fence life. But somewhere in my 19 year old brain that is what i thought marriage was. By the time my daughter came when i was 21 it was clear picket fences were not in the cards. Hard work was on tap and my career was moving forward. My marriage was dying but i thought that if i worked hard and made things financially easier the marriage would rebound. It didn’t.

So here i am days past my 47th birthday on marriage number 2. Living  a life that i never imagined. Being loved every day by a man 10 years younger. We see the world through different glasses but somehow it works. There is a balance to life that feels good. I see big change in the wind. I think it has its good and bad points but i know that we will sit down and talk it all out. It could mean some changes in how we live life but change is what causes growth and that is always a good thing.

Is life perfect? Hell no. Nothing in life is. I am not even sure what perfect looks like. But i do know that things are as close to perfect as they could ever be. And i am choosing to live happy. To embrace the changes that come and to see the sun even on a cloudy day.

Thank you my King for being my sun.

blessed

He knows me better than anyone ever has. He sees everything and misses nothing. This morning he looked at me and asked me whats wrong. I don’t really know. It is nothing big just little things. My body hurts in ways it has not and that has me unsettled. My car is in the shop and i am driving a rental that is way to fancy and i just want my car back. I am moving bank accounts and rescheduling payments and i hate that process. Change has become the enemy of my peaceful mind. My daughter is still not talking to me and some days it rips out my heart. Her birthday and my own are days away and that has created sadness. I need to clean the carpets at home. It is the little stresses that add up sometimes and make me feel overwhelmed.

The only way i keep my shit together is the fact that my King loves me in ways i have never known. In every conversation with other people i understand just how wonderful of a man i have. I have always seen the best qualities in him. The ones he does not seem to know he has. But others see them as well. I know that in a heart beat another woman would happily take my place. It makes me a proud wife to know people love him and see all of the goodness in him. It also makes me very aware that i have to stay on my toes because if i were to take even a half step back there would be a line of women waiting to take my place. How i got so lucky i will never know.

I am going to work my way through the changes one piece at a time. Lots of deep breaths on the paper work and it will all work out and once sorted life will actually be easier. As for my daughter i can only love her until she chooses to talk to me again. And i know i can lean on the love of my King until that day.

I am looking forward to my birthday. We are taking a couple of days to just be together and relax and i need it to help clear my mind. I just want peace. I want to be able to enjoy the blessings in my life. I want the anxiety level to return to the place where i can breath easier and be in THIS moment instead of living in the worry. But with him by my side always holding my hand i know it will all be ok.

I love you my king. there will never be enough ways to show you, to tell you, to let you know the goodness and love you have brought into my life.

Mothers day and our 2nd Anniversary

This year the holiday was hard because my daughter is still not talking to me. Not even a text on the day. But my King made it all worthwhile. We spent 3 days at the lake fishing. There is some deep peace i find when he and i are together sharing this life we love. Shutting out all of the noise of the world. Our next adventure will be a holiday weekend at the ranch. For that one we can take the dogs and that will be wonderful.

There is so much fun having naughty outdoor sex. I am so grateful to have this man in my life. He is my perfect match in every way.  Now i just need to get a handle on the mess in my house. My business is doing well, loving my new location and working with old dear friends.  If i could just repair the damage with my child things would be perfect.

Love, Life, Weddings and Weekends

Some times in life you just have to stop and really take it all in. Tomorrow some dear friends are getting married. They  have had many challenges but they bring out the best in each other. The groom has told me more than once that he decided to take the leap because he saw the happiness my king and i share. We all have had the training marriages. And  we all had plenty of reason to never do that again. But love will always find a way. Happiness is there if you just choose it. So tomorrow we will choose happiness again. And then on the 15th my King and i will celebrate our 2nd anniversary. I am happier than ever because every day i choose it. And i am blessed in this life to have a man who also chooses to be happy even when things are hard. So smile, face the sun, dance in the rain and choose. Choose to be happy even when life is shit.

Life, love and the fear of losing

The mental battles are the worst. Life itself can be great and one little thing will set you off down a dark path that you know does not belong in your current life. Old shit is not new shit and should not be there, but.

Lord knows i have intimacy issues. I also have self worth issues and compliments are still hard for me to simply accept. So toss in life in general and the fact that i am battling my value as a parent and it does not take much for my self esteem and worth to be a little challenged. Take a few days without the physical and my mental goes to shit. I start wondering if i have done something wrong or if reality, old life shit, has finally reared it’s ugly head.  I share a healthy fantasy life with my King but in those moments of self doubt i wonder if he would be better off with someone else. There are times when i wish i could just put his fantasy in his bed and then i would know if it’s just fantasy or if there is something deeper.

Basically i live in a state of constant self bout that is fueled by fear. Not so much fear but preparation. If you prepare for the worst it does not hurt so much when it happens.  Living like this is not healthy. It will destroy me and my happiness and those i love if i can not get it under control and find a way to not be afraid. My world is small, those in it are important to me. I fear loss and of the day when you are no longer loved and easily replaced. It sucks when you live like this and the man in your life has to constantly battle that. It wears them down and eventually they don’t want to fight your old shit any more. So i know that if it all dies it’s my own fault. Lord help me find my inner peace because  i do not know if i could take losing the love i have now. It would be the end of me.

I feel pretty

I say that and laugh because it sounds so silly. But it is true. I never felt pretty. I have had moments when i have felt sexy as fuck. But to just feel pretty….

I grew up hearing my mom say ” you could  be so pretty if only…” usually it was about my weight. And as an adult looking back i was not fat, i just wasn’t a size 5. I had womanly curves as a teen. But it was and still is not the STANDARD for beauty.

As a married woman, the first trip around, my ex never told me i was pretty. He would tell me i looked nice. But that is far from a declaration of beauty to your spouse.

My King tells me i am beautiful, and i have begun to feel it more and more. But he loves me and i should be pretty in his eyes. And because he is a good man it is his duty to tell me that often. And trust me he does. There have been moments lately where i have heard other men tell my husband that he has a beautiful wife. Those have left me stunned. As a plus size woman, hell as a woman, you never expect random strangers to see you, much less see you as attractive. That is just not something that ever happened in my world. But it has and every time it does i feel two things. Pride in myself and proud because it is a gift i can give my husband. That others would acknowledge and tell him. I hope that it makes him proud to have me as his wife.

So even today with my hair showing its grey roots i have looked in the mirror and smiled at the reflection there and  said ” Hello pretty lady” and meant it.

celebrations

It was that holiday. The one where the candy company tells you to love someone with gifts. Personally my least favorite of the year. I hate the idea of a mandated day of love when it clearly should be everyday. But who am i to argue with Hallmark and Hershey.

So i caved and put a card and candy bar in my kings lunch box. to be honest i love cards. Pretty little notes that are unexpected. Words of love given to stir the heart and soul of your lover in the middle of a mundane work week.

I was shocked to see my king burst through the front door at work carrying a card and candy and teddy bear with a big heart balloon attached. He always surprises me. The gifts were sweet, but it was more the fact that he stopped in the middle of his day to see me. That made the day worth it all.

Evening was another gift all in itself. I planned a surf and turf country style. Elk steak, shrimp, baked potato, salad and fresh fruit. Followed by a home made chocolate cherry pie. But no holiday of love would have been complete without the right outfit. So i made sure this one was spot on perfect for his style.

Pink lace  panties, thigh high stockings with heels of course. a very mini denim mini skirt and a white wife beater with a pink lace bra underneath. The effect was clearly evident. It was all either one of us could do to not just stop dinner and have human desert first.

I love the tease. It is like the abundance of naughty suggestive texts during the day. It builds hunger. Patience while wearing that kind of outfit is a challenge but by the time you cave to the carnal lust it is so worth the wait.

Life gave me the best V day ever. I finally don’t hate that holiday. My king made me feel special. Made me the center of his universe in a big way that day. I had no room to doubt his want or desire of me. There was no porn or naughty conversations about other people in our play. It was just us two and sometimes that is the best of all. Knowing that I was the one who made him hungry and i alone was all he needed to fill that hunger.

I know, I love the porn and the dirty idea of adding a third, but as a girl you need to know from time to time that you are all he needs. Life is so good.

 

 

 

sexual fantasies

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself where yours came from? What makes some things trip your trigger and some turn you off fast? It is something i have thought of but not with the clarity i have today.

I have baby girl fantasies. Now, with my history of childhood sexual assault, many would thing it strange. But today i understood it better than ever. My step dad was all about innocence and purity.  I was a good girl. Given white and pastel colors to wear. It was never about me touching him. Only him touching me. He loved to shock me but exposing himself. He thrived off of the idea of purity.

As an adult during my first marriage there was NO  fantasy play. Now that i am in a healthy loving relationship the play is abundant. And i have explored age play. Now I get that it has nothing to do with the abuse.  For me being a baby girl is about 2 things, the safety and love and feeling very special. The other is about being   a BAD GIRL.  This baby girl is naughty and dirty and loves it. There is no innocence to it. And i love that. I thrive off of the balance of loving safety and the complete ownership that my king has over me as his baby girl. How i can make daddy feel good and be a sexual creature without stupid rules of proper behavior.

To be fair we also have Mommy play.  I had some hickups with it in the beginning. But began to understand that it is about 2 things as well. The loving protectiveness of a mommy as well as the dominate control of TEACHING your cub how to give you great sex. It is a lot to grasp sometimes but great communication leads to amazing sex. Loving this life and all it has given me.

 

where did the words go

I have been trying to write. I have written but find that the things there are from my heart and really only meant for my self or my king. I wrote in the past to process emotions, to help me come to clearer understandings of myself and my life. But these days i TALK. I share all of that with my king and together we work through all that is in my head and my heart. He is my blog. I do know know what comes next. I am finally living this life instead of trying to find my way. I take each moment as the gift it is. NO life if not perfect. Days are hard. Relationships are hard. But I am truly blessed and that is all i can ask for. So until i find something that i need to share i will be in my little world living and loving and being and that is enough. Thank you for taking time from your life to share in the madness of mine. and i wish you all the greatest of love and joy and hope for a better tomorrow.

Hello 2017

This morning i had so much to say. My body and my mind are a minefield at the moment. Physically i feel battered. My joints ache like crazy, my heart hurts because my child is still shutting me out. I wept on my drive in because i felt beaten by things out of my control. I went to work like a responsible adult and hours later my body still hurts and my heart still weeps, but i am choosing Happiness.

It has been my constant mantra since the new year. I have been blessed in so many ways. I refuse to live unhappy. I will not let presumed guilt beat me. I will not cave to someone else’s  misery. 2016 held so many lessons and the one i learned above all else is i have no control over anything in this world except for my own responses to life. And i choose JOY, I choose Happiness, I choose TRust and Faith and Goodness even in the face of adversity and bitterness and anger and I choose LOVE.

Never have i felt love like this. It is more than just the love of my King, but of family and friends and of SELF. Yes i said SELF. I can look in the mirror and say with certianty that i love myself. I do not look at the age that is showing as a bad thing. I see wisdom of years. I do not curse the softness around my middle but know that it is there because i brought life into this world. Life that, despite the current situation, is good and will make the world a better place because her heart is golden.  I see grey hair and thank god for hair color. I am not ready to face those genetics yet. I can not see things close up without glasses but i am grateful that i have those darn things so that i can continue making the world a prettier place one head of hair at a time.

Life is good if you let it be. Set backs happen. But as long as we have breath in our lungs we have a choice and a chance to make our world better. So breath and do and be your best self in this moment. The next moment is another choice. Make it a good one.

« Older entries