celebrations

It was that holiday. The one where the candy company tells you to love someone with gifts. Personally my least favorite of the year. I hate the idea of a mandated day of love when it clearly should be everyday. But who am i to argue with Hallmark and Hershey.

So i caved and put a card and candy bar in my kings lunch box. to be honest i love cards. Pretty little notes that are unexpected. Words of love given to stir the heart and soul of your lover in the middle of a mundane work week.

I was shocked to see my king burst through the front door at work carrying a card and candy and teddy bear with a big heart balloon attached. He always surprises me. The gifts were sweet, but it was more the fact that he stopped in the middle of his day to see me. That made the day worth it all.

Evening was another gift all in itself. I planned a surf and turf country style. Elk steak, shrimp, baked potato, salad and fresh fruit. Followed by a home made chocolate cherry pie. But no holiday of love would have been complete without the right outfit. So i made sure this one was spot on perfect for his style.

Pink lace  panties, thigh high stockings with heels of course. a very mini denim mini skirt and a white wife beater with a pink lace bra underneath. The effect was clearly evident. It was all either one of us could do to not just stop dinner and have human desert first.

I love the tease. It is like the abundance of naughty suggestive texts during the day. It builds hunger. Patience while wearing that kind of outfit is a challenge but by the time you cave to the carnal lust it is so worth the wait.

Life gave me the best V day ever. I finally don’t hate that holiday. My king made me feel special. Made me the center of his universe in a big way that day. I had no room to doubt his want or desire of me. There was no porn or naughty conversations about other people in our play. It was just us two and sometimes that is the best of all. Knowing that I was the one who made him hungry and i alone was all he needed to fill that hunger.

I know, I love the porn and the dirty idea of adding a third, but as a girl you need to know from time to time that you are all he needs. Life is so good.

 

 

 

sexual fantasies

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself where yours came from? What makes some things trip your trigger and some turn you off fast? It is something i have thought of but not with the clarity i have today.

I have baby girl fantasies. Now, with my history of childhood sexual assault, many would thing it strange. But today i understood it better than ever. My step dad was all about innocence and purity.  I was a good girl. Given white and pastel colors to wear. It was never about me touching him. Only him touching me. He loved to shock me but exposing himself. He thrived off of the idea of purity.

As an adult during my first marriage there was NO  fantasy play. Now that i am in a healthy loving relationship the play is abundant. And i have explored age play. Now I get that it has nothing to do with the abuse.  For me being a baby girl is about 2 things, the safety and love and feeling very special. The other is about being   a BAD GIRL.  This baby girl is naughty and dirty and loves it. There is no innocence to it. And i love that. I thrive off of the balance of loving safety and the complete ownership that my king has over me as his baby girl. How i can make daddy feel good and be a sexual creature without stupid rules of proper behavior.

To be fair we also have Mommy play.  I had some hickups with it in the beginning. But began to understand that it is about 2 things as well. The loving protectiveness of a mommy as well as the dominate control of TEACHING your cub how to give you great sex. It is a lot to grasp sometimes but great communication leads to amazing sex. Loving this life and all it has given me.

 

When the lights come on

It is amazing to me how much you don’t know but think you do. How we process emotions and desires and life and loss. Every day i learn more about myself and accept things. I am reaching a place of acceptance over parts of my past. Understanding the WHY of life.

This may be a long one so hold on…

First… I am in this strange mental place about my first marriage. You know when things are done, over, finished. But there is a constant nagging conversation in your head about what YOU did WRONG. Could you have fixed it? Will you make the same mistakes again? The fear of ruining future relationships because you did not learn some lesson is almost terrifying. The last couple of weeks have brought me great peace and the ability to understand that i was not a perfect wife but i was fighting a losing battle. I was married to a man who never really loved ME. And while it is hard to think I spent years in that marriage oblivious to that fact it has helped me find some new peace. I am in a different place. I am LOVED now by a wonderful man. He accepts all of my flaws and i do not feel the need to be something i am not. I can not repeat past mistakes because this life is NOT  that life. I simply must take each day as its own and live as my true self. My ex is in a good place and that makes me happy. To know that he can finally feel the depth of joy that love can bring. Life is finally as it should be for all of us.

Second… Sex and intimacy…I am about to be 46 and  i finally get it. They are not the same damn thing. But sex can be even better with great intimacy. Intimacy is being able to have those honest conversations about wants and desires without fear. It is having someone in your life who understands your freak flag and will help you wave it without judgement. It is as simple as a kiss every morning. Someone who never misses an opportunity to hold your hand. It is someone who helps you figure out your own sexuality issues and wants to play in your playground.  I have always been bi. But for me it was never an option. Now it is and i have been a little wary. It is not easy to admit all of your desires but my King puts me in a safe place to do so. Sharing that with him has brought us closer. Now if i can only get to a comfortable place during sex where i can say all of the dirty things in my head without being afraid he is going to stop and look at me like i have lost my mind. But life is one step at a time.

I finally understand why i want to share my husband with another woman. I am grasping my very opposite sides of Submissive and Dominate. I hope to become comfortable with all of the FUN that life has to offer and know that in the end my King loves me and that we will be strong together for years to come as long as we can stay open and honest with each other.  Life is truly good and i can see so much clearer these days.

Sexual Beings

There was no denying his charm. He had a wicked smile and swagger to spare. But he kept it all in check. He never came off as arrogant, but instead he could put even the most timid of persons at ease.  Everyone loved him and she loved that. What she loved even more was the fact that even in a room full of people he did not hide his desire for her. When he walked up and took to hands full of her hair and kissed her passionately, not only did it make her panties wet but she wondered who was watching and if they were jealous of their very visible lust. When he did things like that her inner submissive won.

That was her personal battle. She had been an obedient child, but life had taught her to be self sufficient, dominant even. But around him she lost all control. There were times when he was soft and romantic, others when their sex was to fill a need at the moment. But those times when they both were filled with desire, when they openly shared with each other their lust for other people, well those were the best.

Long ago they had set some ground rules. They refused to deny the idea that they would be turned on by other people. That they were each very sexual beings and that vanilla would never be enough. She had never denied her lust of women. And he was always honest that he did not want to leave this earth without sharing her and himself with another woman.

Often their best sex included some very descriptive conversations about what they each would do with a very specific person, if they were ever able to make that threesome happen. She loved the idea of watching some other woman try to swallow his ample cock. Or for those brave enough to try and take it in the ass. Knowing what that felt like and the idea of watching it happen made her purr. She loved the effect it had on him when she let him know these things. When he knew that she meant every word.

She would share him in a heart beat with the right woman. How she wanted to see his reaction the first time she kissed a woman. To watch his cock grow hard in his jeans when she ran her hand over some sexy full breasts and made those nipples hard. She knew he would happily watch and that he would not join unless asked. She wanted to give that woman permission to invite him to play with them. She wanted that woman to want her King, like some hungry being would crave steak.To see the excitement in their eyes when she let them know what was going to happen next. To see and direct such carnal lust. To watch him touch another body with hunger. To see him taste the creamy dessert presented him. To see that woman on her knees before her King and to hear her screams of delight as they both made her climax. To know that she would beg them to bed her again.

But for now it was all fantasy. She wondered if she would ever make it happen. But she knew that her King loved and desired her above all else and that made her work even harder to fill his desires.

My Gentle Dom

When we met there was not a lot of conversation about Sub/Dom. But it was something i had studied and played in over the course of the previous year. I spent a lot of time on line being curious. I had an on line Master relationship that in many ways helped to explain things to me that i had never understood. I am a sub. I derive great joy from making those in my life that i care about HAPPY.  I am a natural born nurturer.  I love to give and do, sometimes to my own physical and financial detriment.

The first time my king made love to me i knew he was a Dom. Not in the way i had known before. He was gentle in his direction. It was natural to him. Later in conversations he balked at the notion that he was a Dom. IN his mind that meant being a controlling ASS. But that is not the case. IN our world he makes request of me. There are certain ways he likes things to be. He is physically in control when we are having sex or play. We do have moments of SWITCH life, but even then he is still in control. He is clear on his wants and desires and i do my best to fulfill them. I do not get to choose when i want a bend over husband. He decides when that is something he wants and i am more than eager to give him that which he physically craves.

He told me that i make his life easier, happier. And that he wondered what it was he did for me. Well that is easy. He gives me balance and peace. His gentle dominance is my safe place. I know in every  moment of my life that i am loved and desired and cherished. He messages me daily to check on how my day is going. He lets me know privately and pubicly that i am his queen and that he loves me. He never misses a chance to hold my hand or smack my ass. Those little actions mean the world to this submissive girl. They are outward signs of his dominance. I belong to him and everyone knows it. I am not seen as weak or frail or timid. Our friends know i am self reliant and strong, but they also know that my King is the BOSS. And that knowledge thrills me.

I know that our life will shift and change over time. But i know too that his Gentle Dominance will grow and that he will finally understand what he brings to my life. Anything that he asks of me i happily give. I love you my King. And as our Anniversary date draws near i only feel this deeper love and attachment to you and to our life.

Stress relief

What a day. The stress level was on high. Having a forest fire so close to home was almost to much. All she wanted was to have her King home. She always felt safer when he was close by. Roaming the house listening for updates and for his call made her pace. All she could think was that she needed a distraction. So she found her BenWa balls and put them in. It had been a long time since she had worn them. She was beginning to remember why. She lacked the current focus for those darn things. Maybe tomorrow she would try a water balloon again. But for now the balls had to go.

Soon her King was home and she could feel her calm returning. Together they checked on the progress of the fire and made sure all of the family was safe. After a nice dinner and a calming smoke they retired to watch tv from bed. Her mind wandered, should she tell him about her adventure with the balls? Should she tell him how badly she wanted to suck his cock? But at the moment she was rather high and was not so sure she could make her body respond. She giggled and he asked her what was up.

Without thinking she told him she had been thinking about sucking his cock. Both were quiet and she faded away on some pink cloud. Only the sound of his voice brought her back to earth. “Well are you going to?” he asked. It took a moment for her to focus and remember what she had said. His voice was calm and measured when he spoke again. ” I am only going to ask you once more” Her lips meet his to stop his next words.

She loved pleasing him, loved how his body responded to her touch. Loved the growls that exited his body. It was clear he was enjoying, his cock was hard and filled her mouth. His words pleased her. She was indeed Daddys good little cock sucker. His next request made her entire body ache with desire. She was to put her wet pussy on Daddys face but never remove his cock from her mouth.  He always knew what to say to make her want him even more.  He licked and sucked the wetness from her while she inhaled his ever growing manhood.

She could hardly believe her ears, she was begging him for his cock. Asking could get her in trouble. She was here for his pleasure but it was clear Daddy wanted the same. He let out the most glorious groan as he entered her swollen womanhood. His words of praise on her wetness and fullness made her happy. The rhythm of his hips and how he covered her with his body made her feel small. It was a feeling she loved. Having her face burried in his chest as he took ownership of all that was his.

“Daddy, i am going to cum” was about all she could manage before exploding all over his hard cock. He did not stop but kept thrusting in and out until she was fully satisfied. After kissing her and telling her what a good girl she was he had her roll over. ” Daddy is going to take you from behind, He is going to cum and then fall asleep inside of you”  He loved the roundness of her ass and because he was so gloriously blessed he could easily bury himself deep inside of her while spooning.  She squeezed hard on his cock and felt it throb as he was about to fill her with a flood of creamy juice. Having had his fill of her he kissed her shoulder and reminded her of how much Daddy loved his naughty girl. Soon they both fell off into peaceful sleep.

Later she would wake up and giggle at the squishy puddle between her legs. But as she faded off into blissful sleep she could only smile and know how much she was loved. She never wanted to lose this feeling, and his love.

Happy Naughty Easter

She loved his requests. Knowing what he wanted made her damp with anticipation.

” I want to watch you play and i want you to write it to post later” Her body gushed at his request. To the couch with note pad and toys in hand she went feeling her dampness run down her leg as she walked. Her silver bullet was barley on and tickling her shimmery pussy lips. As he walked by she could not resist taking his young cubby cock in her mouth. How she loved feeling it swell between her lips. There was little else that could make her as wet as his cock in her mouth. The teasing did not last long but it did the job. He walked away hard and she tried to put words to paper with shaking hands.

Writing distracted her but it boosted the thrill of their play. While she wrote he came back to the couch, stretching out facing her. His cock still hard. His toes found her bullet and pressed it against her clit.She did not know why the feeling of his toes on her wet pussy made it even wetter. She wanted more but she had to be patient.

Why, where, How did he learn to tease this way? She loved the tease, the build up. She was in heaven.

He was perfect. His cool toes pressing her vibe against her clit. She wanted to come. Being a good girl she asked for his permission and he granted it. But first she begged him to promise to make her cum again. His wicked smile promissed, and with that she came hard.

It was not long until he was making good on that promise. Her vibe was turned up and he placed an ample cock toy in her very slick pussy. He stroked it back and forth watching her press back against it. The looks on his face turned her on even more. He was clearly enjoying his actions. She was trying to write but it became harder to do. She came again with such intensity. she knew that each orgasm to follow would be hard and fast when they came. But the build up to each was longer and just as intense.  Surely it could get no better than this.

He gave her a short respit to right and recover. He went to gather more toys. It was clear that they were going to enjoy all of the freaky aspects of their sex life. Yes things could get better she thought with her own wicked grin. And they did when he arrived back with his ass toy. He became a carnal hungry animal when they enjoyed ass play. It made her as hot as his cock in her mouth did. Naughty girl.

 

“Stroke your cock and put that toy in your cute ass for Mommy.” His cock lept in his hand and she purred. Watching him lube his ass and sliding his toy in made her hold her breath. It was clear he enjoyed doing it. He stroked the toy in and out of his hungry ass. His cock growing she tried to write but watching his hunger build was to much. Dropping her note book she greadily pressed her toy against her clit. He stroked his cock with one hand and thrust the toy in and out of his ass with the other. Her next orgasm came in a flash. She did not want him to stop, they needed more. She wanted more, it all felt to good to stop.

She asked him, no told him to come but he had something in mind and she loved his dirty mind. His hard cock was burried in her very wet and swollen pussy. His toy was burried in his cute tight ass. His growls let her know he was close and they came together. It was glorious and dirty and perfect.

He left to clean up and she should of been done but as she replayed it in her head she found herself cranking up her vibe one last time. Soon he was there watching her. There was not hard climax but an intense build up that made her entire body arch. the edge was reached and she spilt over the top in one soft roll.

This was it. That perfect moment when everything had met. When her naughty side and her writing and his naughty side had all meet. They had colided in perfect unison and she was riding on a pink fluffy cloud of sexual contentment. She had never been so happy to know that he loved her so much as to share all of his desires with her. To not only be her partner in life but to become her sexual match.

As requested she posted to her blog. Her fingers knew there were misspelled words but she did not care. Not this time. Because it was not about the perfection of the spelling but it was about sharing this perfect love she shared with her King, and a test of her obediance to her Master. She could not wait for him to read it and hoped that he was pleased with his pet/ his queen.

 

 

Yummy

 

bite   Some days are just this good. I know that to most this does not look like fun. But to me this is LOVE. This is the marks left behind because the man in my world, not only loves me, but has desire for me. The marks left behind after a night of good love making are gentle reminders of the want and need he has for me. I carry them with pride. When my hand touches them and they are still a bit sore i smile because i can feel him there. My brain fires up with the memories of his body on mine, of his teeth on my flesh. Of those moments caught somewhere between pain and pleasure when I surrendered fully to him. When my need of him and my want for him where so strong that i lost all control to him. I do love our swing play, the times when i am the queen and he is my panty boy and does exactly what i tell him. But at my core i am a submissive. I need to lose myself to him. I need to see that look on his face when it is clear he craves me like a starving man craves food. Like the desert land needs water. To hear the carnal growl that comes out of him as he enters my body.To feel every inch of him own every inch of me. I am his cougar wife and he my sexy cub husband. And today i am purring with contentment all the while feeling my hunger grow. He is truly my match and i am a lucky woman.

Choices,options and loyalty

option choice

For every man out there… Read it, Reread it… think about it, take it to heart.

Every woman out there, sub, dom, Vanilla princess, or defiant brat needs to know that she is your world. She needs to feel it, see it, touch the very soul of it.

loyalty

This has made me think all weekend. What kind of woman am I really? I am not sure. Where does my loyalty lie? Am I? Can I be? Do I really care if the man I love has nothing or everything? Do I question his ability to be loyal? How can I question anything when I know my own history? But do circumstances in life change what loyalty is? Do I want to be with someone who make my Green Eyed Monster flash, or with someone who puts me at such ease that I am not even remotely jealous? Is there such a person?

So many questions, so many emotions, so much life to be lived, so much passing me by while I sort this shit out. It makes me wonder if I should just leap head first into something and pray it all gets sorted out, or if caution is the wisest course of action?

Moments

moments

I keep reading this, wondering what tomorrow I am creating, what future am I building?
Half of the time I miss him with a pain so deep I want to pick up the phone and beg him to come get me. To show me in some huge way that he loves me. The other half I want to scream in his face that I am no ones pet. I am a woman who can and will take care of herself.
there are moments when his pride and mine seem to clash like titans on a field of battle.
I am not his sub. But some times I want to be. The battle inside my head and my heart rage.
He tells me nothing is easy, to not settle. But damn it I am tired of fighting. I want easy.
He says I wont fight for us. But I fought for a marriage alone for years. And I don’t have the strength to fight. And what is wrong with that? Is it not ok for a girl to simply stop, take a breath, and know that someone, somewhere, will fall on his knees at her feet for once.
Will show her with actions and not words that she is the center of his existence?
I want a drink. I want a smoke. And some thing to mellow my ass would not be opposed to either at this point.
I am grateful it is Friday. I will get my clients taken care of. I will go home, and melt into the hot tub and drink and talk with the neighbors. I will fade into an emotional coma and be glad that I don’t have to be back at work till 10 tomorrow. And then only to pat a soon to be bride on the head. I want to wash my car. I want to go for a drive. I want to st in the movies and fade from existence for a couple of hours. I don’t want to think or feel or cry one more damn time. It is all to much. I want my divorce done. I hate living in limbo. All because he wants a new truck. I am to damn nice. I need to learn to be more like some amazon bitch I know. Not really, she I bat shit crazy. But I do need to learn that it is ok to hurt someone’s feelings if what they want of you is going to cause you pain.

I need to learn that the words I LOVE YOU, are ok to say. But only if you really mean it. But first I need to learn what love really is. My best friend says that love is only hormones and endorphins. That it does not really exist. I call BULL SHIT. I think love is real. I know LUST is. I have been in lust. I have said I love you, and thought I meant it, when all I really meant was,,, fuck me senceless.

I know love is not sex. But sex can be lovely. Dear Lord, I am lost. I am trying to sort it all out. I am trying to be truthful and honest and not hateful or hurtful.
But most of all I am trying to be ME. To accept who I really am, And to be ok with it.
But until that day, could you please give me a little easy from time to time, because all of the hard is making my heart a tough nut to crack.

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