blessed

He knows me better than anyone ever has. He sees everything and misses nothing. This morning he looked at me and asked me whats wrong. I don’t really know. It is nothing big just little things. My body hurts in ways it has not and that has me unsettled. My car is in the shop and i am driving a rental that is way to fancy and i just want my car back. I am moving bank accounts and rescheduling payments and i hate that process. Change has become the enemy of my peaceful mind. My daughter is still not talking to me and some days it rips out my heart. Her birthday and my own are days away and that has created sadness. I need to clean the carpets at home. It is the little stresses that add up sometimes and make me feel overwhelmed.

The only way i keep my shit together is the fact that my King loves me in ways i have never known. In every conversation with other people i understand just how wonderful of a man i have. I have always seen the best qualities in him. The ones he does not seem to know he has. But others see them as well. I know that in a heart beat another woman would happily take my place. It makes me a proud wife to know people love him and see all of the goodness in him. It also makes me very aware that i have to stay on my toes because if i were to take even a half step back there would be a line of women waiting to take my place. How i got so lucky i will never know.

I am going to work my way through the changes one piece at a time. Lots of deep breaths on the paper work and it will all work out and once sorted life will actually be easier. As for my daughter i can only love her until she chooses to talk to me again. And i know i can lean on the love of my King until that day.

I am looking forward to my birthday. We are taking a couple of days to just be together and relax and i need it to help clear my mind. I just want peace. I want to be able to enjoy the blessings in my life. I want the anxiety level to return to the place where i can breath easier and be in THIS moment instead of living in the worry. But with him by my side always holding my hand i know it will all be ok.

I love you my king. there will never be enough ways to show you, to tell you, to let you know the goodness and love you have brought into my life.

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Mothers day and our 2nd Anniversary

This year the holiday was hard because my daughter is still not talking to me. Not even a text on the day. But my King made it all worthwhile. We spent 3 days at the lake fishing. There is some deep peace i find when he and i are together sharing this life we love. Shutting out all of the noise of the world. Our next adventure will be a holiday weekend at the ranch. For that one we can take the dogs and that will be wonderful.

There is so much fun having naughty outdoor sex. I am so grateful to have this man in my life. He is my perfect match in every way.  Now i just need to get a handle on the mess in my house. My business is doing well, loving my new location and working with old dear friends.  If i could just repair the damage with my child things would be perfect.

sexual fantasies

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself where yours came from? What makes some things trip your trigger and some turn you off fast? It is something i have thought of but not with the clarity i have today.

I have baby girl fantasies. Now, with my history of childhood sexual assault, many would thing it strange. But today i understood it better than ever. My step dad was all about innocence and purity.  I was a good girl. Given white and pastel colors to wear. It was never about me touching him. Only him touching me. He loved to shock me but exposing himself. He thrived off of the idea of purity.

As an adult during my first marriage there was NO  fantasy play. Now that i am in a healthy loving relationship the play is abundant. And i have explored age play. Now I get that it has nothing to do with the abuse.  For me being a baby girl is about 2 things, the safety and love and feeling very special. The other is about being   a BAD GIRL.  This baby girl is naughty and dirty and loves it. There is no innocence to it. And i love that. I thrive off of the balance of loving safety and the complete ownership that my king has over me as his baby girl. How i can make daddy feel good and be a sexual creature without stupid rules of proper behavior.

To be fair we also have Mommy play.  I had some hickups with it in the beginning. But began to understand that it is about 2 things as well. The loving protectiveness of a mommy as well as the dominate control of TEACHING your cub how to give you great sex. It is a lot to grasp sometimes but great communication leads to amazing sex. Loving this life and all it has given me.

 

Hello 2017

This morning i had so much to say. My body and my mind are a minefield at the moment. Physically i feel battered. My joints ache like crazy, my heart hurts because my child is still shutting me out. I wept on my drive in because i felt beaten by things out of my control. I went to work like a responsible adult and hours later my body still hurts and my heart still weeps, but i am choosing Happiness.

It has been my constant mantra since the new year. I have been blessed in so many ways. I refuse to live unhappy. I will not let presumed guilt beat me. I will not cave to someone else’s  misery. 2016 held so many lessons and the one i learned above all else is i have no control over anything in this world except for my own responses to life. And i choose JOY, I choose Happiness, I choose TRust and Faith and Goodness even in the face of adversity and bitterness and anger and I choose LOVE.

Never have i felt love like this. It is more than just the love of my King, but of family and friends and of SELF. Yes i said SELF. I can look in the mirror and say with certianty that i love myself. I do not look at the age that is showing as a bad thing. I see wisdom of years. I do not curse the softness around my middle but know that it is there because i brought life into this world. Life that, despite the current situation, is good and will make the world a better place because her heart is golden.  I see grey hair and thank god for hair color. I am not ready to face those genetics yet. I can not see things close up without glasses but i am grateful that i have those darn things so that i can continue making the world a prettier place one head of hair at a time.

Life is good if you let it be. Set backs happen. But as long as we have breath in our lungs we have a choice and a chance to make our world better. So breath and do and be your best self in this moment. The next moment is another choice. Make it a good one.

I need INK

I did not start getting tattoos until i was in my 30’s. They mark moments in my life of grand importance. The last one was a cover up of a tattoo i had to mark my 20 something year anniversary to my 1st husband. The cover up was not to remove it from my life but to mark my skin for myself instead of for someone else. It had been a vain attempt to elicit some type of emotion or reaction from him. It was a pointless gesture.

Ink for me at this point is almost cathartic. To put something beautiful on my skin. To have a few hours of physical pain to distract me from the mental pain. My only child is still not speaking to me and i have been denied the reason behind her actions. It eats at my core every day. But i have come to a few conclusions on my own. I am happy in my life. And she currently is not. I will not be miserable to make her more comfortable in her sadness. If she is angry at me over choices i made during my divorce from her father then so be it. I was in a bad mental and emotional place and i fucked up. I know this, but i can not take those things back.

I need some peace, I need some pain, I need some ink. Some will not understand the pain thing. I don’t always get it myself. But there is some thing about a small amount of pain that brings things into focus. It reminds you that you are fully alive and want to be. It is not about dying or sadness. At least not for me. It is about clarity. For now my budget will not allow me the luxury. So i will try to find that peace by writing.  Words and music have always been healing for me. So I am breathing deep, cranking up the tunes and having a good cry until i can afford to let my skin take some of this from my broken mommy heart.

Things i can’t control

I never thought I was a control freak. That was my ex husband. But as time has gone on i am realizing that I am. I like order and structure mixed with just a touch of mayhem for fun. That being said i am in a strange place in my life. I am so overly emotional lately. I was not sure why, now, i seem to be more in touch with my feelings than ever. It is the fact that for the first time in my life i am in truly a safe place. I am allowed to feel and express without judgment. And because of that I am flooded with all of the feelings i have stuffed for so long.  And it is a bit overwhelming to say the least.

Right now the waves of emotion are at an all time high. And i need to write my way through them so that i can properly process them and come to grips with all that i am feeling.

Most importantly is my relationship with my daughter. She is 25 and recently divorced. It was a bad marriage and there were step children involved. She was deeply attached to the kids. And It is a situation that she is not handling. But as of this moment i have been banned from her life. She is angry with me and while i am not clear at to all of the reasons it is clear that my divorce from her father 3 years ago is causing her some delayed anger. in my head you can not fix what you will not talk about. But this is how her dad acts so i have no control over that and have to sit here patiently and quietly until she decides to talk to me. It is eating me up inside but I am reminded that all i can control is my own response. So for now i am giving her space even though it is killing me slowly inside.

We have had more than our fare share of loss in the last year. We went to a funeral yesterday of a 62 yr old woman who died suddenly from an infection that was not caught in time. She was a vibrant and loving woman dedicated to faith and family. In love with the same guy since she was 14. As i sat in that gym and watched and listened i was faced with a hard cold fact. When i die it will be like nothing really happened. I am disconnected from all of my family. My daughter is pulling away from me. My husband whom i love dearly probably won’t out live me even though he is 10 years younger. So that makes one consider their mortality more than is probably healthy. And that leads to another stress point. Why am i working so hard at a career to make money when there will be no one to leave anything to?

The medical bills are piling up and i feel like i am drowning. I made some uninformed, uneducated decisions and now there will be at some point some financial reprecusions. I wake up in full panic mode in the middle of the night over that. I am not even sure how bad it is because i am to afraid to look into it. Mostly because i know that i do not have the money to fix it. And until i dig into it, it appears that it is being missed by the collectors.  It makes me want to walk away from my career and hope that the bad decisions never show up to destroy me. And that is all my nerves can handle. So i am not going to talk about it any more today.

There are people i need to check up on. But in my heart i know the news is not good. So i am avoiding it. And that is not like me at all.I have some health issues that i do not know how to cope with and i will not have any further information until early December.So that is eating at me. I fear that I will wear out my husband and that one day he will look at me and declare that i am just to much. I will not ever be surprised if he looks at me one day and says “get out”. I am almost to much for myself to deal with.

When my first marriage was falling apart i  dove into a fantasy world to cope. I do not want to do that now. I want to stay in the present and focus on getting better. On giving my all to my friends and family. To showing my husband the depth of my love and how grateful i am to him for loving me like he does so that i am in the place of safety to let my deep emotions flow so that i can heal and move forward. But i am scared and it is all to much some days. I am no longer in the darkness that made me suicidal. And for that i am grateful. But breathing is so hard sometimes. Fear is chocking me and locking me in place. I need to find a way out of some of this.I need to find my bold back. I am not sure where it went.

 

My hands are tied

They say children should come with instruction manuals. And i think that little ones don’t need it. What is needed is one for your over 20 children. And it needs lots of chapters. Ones on how to deal when they are in a relationship and one for when that relationships goes to hell. I have tried to be a good mom, to stay out of her business unless she asks me. But it seems that now i have fucked it up again. I am at a loss. How do you know what is enough and what is to much? Her heart is broken and i understand but you have to choose to be happy, to move forward. And so much of her is like her dad, a silent brooder. I am a “lets talk this over and fix it” kind of woman.

All i can do it tell her i love her, offer to help where i can and patiently wait until she decides to talk to me. But she is driving me crazy. She is mad because she thinks i don’t make enough time for her, but refuses to talk to me cause she is mad, or ignores invitations to activities. I think she is a teenager all over again. Help me…

working on the inhale/exhale

Waking up at 4 am with panic attacks sucks. My gut tightens up, my chest hurts, i can’t breath and i want to scream. My brain starts rolling about all of the things in life i have no control over. And then i hear him toss and turn on his side of the bed and i just choose. I choose to slowly inhale, to take in the scent of my king and try and feel the calming effects of his presence. Then comes the exhale and with it i try to let go of all that i can not control. I focus on the important things in life. The fact that for the most part everyone is healthy. Yes we have issues but nothing we can’t survive. I Listen to him breath and know that it will all be ok. It will be ok because every day we choose. We choose to keep working at this life. The love part is easy, it’s the life part that is a challenge. I hope to find a way to stop the anxiety. Living with it is hard. But he is all i want. He keeps me grounded when my emotions attempt to fly off into the abyss. He holds my hand in the dark moments and reminds me that this is just a moment and it will pass.

I have tried not to think to much about my daughter moving away. But i have to. And what it all comes down to is… I always want her close by. She may move and find that the place she left at age 3 is no mythical land. Then again she may find a man who fills her heart and choose to stay there and have a family. Lord knows i will cry the day she has babies that i can not go hug every day. Hell i hate it when i don’t see her for a week and she only lives 8 miles away. But i have to sit back and look at it without the mom glasses. She is 25 and strong and smart and confident. She has wisdom i did not have at her age. She is sometimes smarter than i am even now at 46. So i choose… I choose to let her go without making her feel guilt for choosing her life. I want her to live every moment as if it were the last. And if that means moving, well so be it.

Life is all choice and action upon that choice. It is breathing through the rough times and laughing through the good ones. I am breathing and choosing and accepting change.

One day, one breath, one moment at a time.

a moment of verbal diarrhea.

Life is not perfect. No one is, so why do i keep trying so to hard to be the impossible? I set myself up for disappointment. I set those i love up for disappointment. I basically sabotage life.

I am tired. I hurt every day and yet i keep trying to ignore it and pretend that things are fine. I have to stop pushing so hard. But if i don’t push things won’t get done. Bills will not get paid, my house will be in a bigger mess than it is. I feel more and more like a failure in this life.

I am grateful to be so utterly in love. That is my savior in this life. A man who loves me so much. I see it in his eyes when he speaks and i know he has the same fears i do. We do not want repeats of the past. We can not take that kind of loss again. So together we keep trying. We try to hard sometimes and in doing so we mess up. But together we keep trying. And i guess that is the important part, together.

Do i miss being single? What the hell kind of question is that? I miss the simplicity of it. I do not miss the emptiness of it. Single was easy. I had no one else to think about, worry over. I got up and ate and went to work. I had singular focus. I lived in fantasy. I was wickedly sassy because i found confidence. But is was a false confidence. No one took the time to know the inside of me, the messed up scared to fail side. I have always been able to smile on the outside when my inside was dying. But these days i find it harder to lie because you see past the smile.

Single… If i were i would find a way to go back to school and learn to teach this skill i have been working at for 25 years. I would put my energy into my job and take it completely off of myself. I would no longer look for love but simply settle into existence. It would be empty and devoid of emotion. Mostly because feeling would be to hard. And no one else could fill the hole that you would have left behind. So do i miss being single? NO. Do in want to be single? NO. Do i want to be sassy again? YES. I have moments. But i think to much and i feel to much and i fail more than i succeed. And this lack of confidence is a perfect way to not be attractive to anyone. Hell i don’t even like myself at the moment.

I am afraid to make a choice or a decision because i might make it all worse. I am afraid to disappoint myself and my king. Hell i am afraid to disappoint everyone. I want to at this very moment go stand in the rain and either drown in it or have it wash away all of my fear.I am sick of the voices in my head that are only full of self doubt.

I had this conversation in my head that sickened me. I have a client who is 95 who said she married a younger man to finally have someone take care of her. I silently called her a bitter old witch. But this morning i heard my own brain say the same. I am so tired of taking care of everyone and everything. Now let me be clear… I love caring for my family. I love spoiling them. It is how i say i love you. But I …. i don’t know where this is going. I just feel so much pressure and it’s all to much. I wish i could be June Cleaver. I wish i could be my kings grandmother. Her life is and was taking care of her family. Her home is a place of sanctuary. Her meals are not just food but plates of love. Her job is their care and well being. I try but i am faced with reality. I am not some super woman. So i have a career i feel like i am failing at. My zeal for it is fading. I have a busy life that is full of love but i am overwhelmed. I have a king who loves me but i disappoint him way to often. I am not sure why he married me. I heard him make comment that he does not know why he is so afraid to grow up? Lord help me i need him to be one. I need him to be the team mate we have tried so hard to be for each other. I go home and all i see is work. A house to clean, laundry, dishes, floors, dogs to be feed, piles of things we have accumulated over time. And i am lost as to how to accomplish it all. He ask me to relax but how can i?

We go away for the weekend and end up yelling at him in frustration and fear. I hurt him when i had no cause to. I can’t even get a simple fishing trip to go smooth. I was so grateful when we returned home and he helped me put things back. That simple act let me breath. I don’t think i have been breathing since my daughter told me she is planning on moving out of state. I feel loss and it sucks. But i told her she had to follow her heart.

Enough…. I can’t spew anymore. I can’t cry right now. I have to clear my brain and get my ass to work so that i can do what i have always done and just take care of shit. Because it s my job, I am a motherfucking grown up. I am his queen, I am her mom, I am a kick ass hairdresser even though i am tired and it hurts. So i am going to breath deep and pray that i  can figure it all out. But like Scarlet O Hara i will think about it  tomorrow because today i just have to put on my big girl britches and just DO IT.

Proud Momma

I have always been proud of my daughter. But today i am even  more so.

She called to tell me she just received her 3rd promotion in 2 years. Not only that but she requested training from the main office even though it means a trip to another state. She is taking responsibility for herself in huge ways. At 25 she has already suffered a couple of bad relationships and one hellish marriage. For a while i was worried for her emotional health but she keeps growing in ways i can only smile about.

During our conversation she told me that she still plans on returning to college next month. She has learned to put aside petty differences with a staff member and is actually offering to train her for the job she is vacating. That is a huge step in the ADULT direction. Only a couple of weeks ago she was ready to replace this young lady.

I let her know how proud i am of her. Not only for her job growth but in her personal growth as well. She has stepped up and has learned that she is the only person responsible for her happiness. Her life is cake, her happiness, frosting, and the people in her life, sprinkles.. You can not rely on others for your joy. People come and go. But in life you grow and find who you are and then you can find that person who will be a partner. That someone who will continue to help you grow, not hinder that path.

I know that as her mom i did my best. I was young and still has so much to learn in life. Some lessons she learned by watching me fail. But i hope that i continue to show her what success looks like as well. I can only love her and support her in every decision. Even when i know they are not the best. Every moment in life is a lesson you must learn from. Especially the hard ones.

Today we celebrate. Today we cheer. And as always i am the proudest mom i could ever be, Because that is my daughter.