Life, love and the fear of losing

The mental battles are the worst. Life itself can be great and one little thing will set you off down a dark path that you know does not belong in your current life. Old shit is not new shit and should not be there, but.

Lord knows i have intimacy issues. I also have self worth issues and compliments are still hard for me to simply accept. So toss in life in general and the fact that i am battling my value as a parent and it does not take much for my self esteem and worth to be a little challenged. Take a few days without the physical and my mental goes to shit. I start wondering if i have done something wrong or if reality, old life shit, has finally reared it’s ugly head.  I share a healthy fantasy life with my King but in those moments of self doubt i wonder if he would be better off with someone else. There are times when i wish i could just put his fantasy in his bed and then i would know if it’s just fantasy or if there is something deeper.

Basically i live in a state of constant self bout that is fueled by fear. Not so much fear but preparation. If you prepare for the worst it does not hurt so much when it happens.  Living like this is not healthy. It will destroy me and my happiness and those i love if i can not get it under control and find a way to not be afraid. My world is small, those in it are important to me. I fear loss and of the day when you are no longer loved and easily replaced. It sucks when you live like this and the man in your life has to constantly battle that. It wears them down and eventually they don’t want to fight your old shit any more. So i know that if it all dies it’s my own fault. Lord help me find my inner peace because  i do not know if i could take losing the love i have now. It would be the end of me.

Advertisements

I feel pretty

I say that and laugh because it sounds so silly. But it is true. I never felt pretty. I have had moments when i have felt sexy as fuck. But to just feel pretty….

I grew up hearing my mom say ” you could  be so pretty if only…” usually it was about my weight. And as an adult looking back i was not fat, i just wasn’t a size 5. I had womanly curves as a teen. But it was and still is not the STANDARD for beauty.

As a married woman, the first trip around, my ex never told me i was pretty. He would tell me i looked nice. But that is far from a declaration of beauty to your spouse.

My King tells me i am beautiful, and i have begun to feel it more and more. But he loves me and i should be pretty in his eyes. And because he is a good man it is his duty to tell me that often. And trust me he does. There have been moments lately where i have heard other men tell my husband that he has a beautiful wife. Those have left me stunned. As a plus size woman, hell as a woman, you never expect random strangers to see you, much less see you as attractive. That is just not something that ever happened in my world. But it has and every time it does i feel two things. Pride in myself and proud because it is a gift i can give my husband. That others would acknowledge and tell him. I hope that it makes him proud to have me as his wife.

So even today with my hair showing its grey roots i have looked in the mirror and smiled at the reflection there and  said ” Hello pretty lady” and meant it.

Hello 2017

This morning i had so much to say. My body and my mind are a minefield at the moment. Physically i feel battered. My joints ache like crazy, my heart hurts because my child is still shutting me out. I wept on my drive in because i felt beaten by things out of my control. I went to work like a responsible adult and hours later my body still hurts and my heart still weeps, but i am choosing Happiness.

It has been my constant mantra since the new year. I have been blessed in so many ways. I refuse to live unhappy. I will not let presumed guilt beat me. I will not cave to someone else’s  misery. 2016 held so many lessons and the one i learned above all else is i have no control over anything in this world except for my own responses to life. And i choose JOY, I choose Happiness, I choose TRust and Faith and Goodness even in the face of adversity and bitterness and anger and I choose LOVE.

Never have i felt love like this. It is more than just the love of my King, but of family and friends and of SELF. Yes i said SELF. I can look in the mirror and say with certianty that i love myself. I do not look at the age that is showing as a bad thing. I see wisdom of years. I do not curse the softness around my middle but know that it is there because i brought life into this world. Life that, despite the current situation, is good and will make the world a better place because her heart is golden.  I see grey hair and thank god for hair color. I am not ready to face those genetics yet. I can not see things close up without glasses but i am grateful that i have those darn things so that i can continue making the world a prettier place one head of hair at a time.

Life is good if you let it be. Set backs happen. But as long as we have breath in our lungs we have a choice and a chance to make our world better. So breath and do and be your best self in this moment. The next moment is another choice. Make it a good one.

in my skin

my face denies my age

but my hands rat me out

it is still soft and smooth to the touch

but more and more i see the fine lines of time

some days i feel confined in it

as if i am trapped here on this mortal plane

i know that my body can not roam the places my  mind goes

and yet if i could only escape my skin i just might make it

i look at my hands and wonder who they belong to

and then i see the marks and scars of this life and smile

these are my markers of time, these are my constant companions

This is where my age and wisdom live

in the crimson colored finger nails made so by last nights clients hair color

in the scars from one scared and rescued puppy

in the marks left from shears that cut me instead of one wiggly child after another

in the broken nail from a weekend of hard labor hauling fire wood for winter warmth

my hands also carry my wedding ring the beautiful reminder of second chances and of love

It is true that some days i wish i could shed my skin and become someone else

someone who has not lived the harsh realities of my past

someone who has less marks and less age

but i am reminded that it is not my skin that holds these things but my mind

and there in lies the rub

I dare not forget lest i repeat the past and that is my greatest fear

That in time i will once again  lose all that i hold dear

That my skin will no longer feel the soft touch of loving hands

That my heart will no longer know love

That my ears will no longer hear laughter and

That My eyes will no longer see the beauty of this life

So i honor my memories and all of the lessons of my life

And i embrace the age on my skin and pray that i will always know the love i now cherish

self confidence

Today i find myself wondering if it is something you just have or not? Is it something you can build within yourself and if so does it come from within or does it come from the admiration of others?

I have always lacked it. I grew up hearing “you could be so pretty, if only” Lord knows there were plenty of “if only things”

I have had it when it came to my career, but personally it is something i lack. I have had moments of it. But upon reflection those moments were when i was living a fantasy life and was constantly being told how sexy and lovely and wonderful i was. But was it real or only lines in a play?  I loved how those moments felt and i know i carried myself differently in those moments. But i am not in that space. I am happier now than i was in those days but i do find myself looking in the mirror and find myself lacking. I do not want that view of myself. I want to be bold and daring and confident.

So i am trying to focus on my own self worth and not my value as seen through the eyes of others. I want to walk into a room like some kind of wild life force and have people drawn to me. Not simply because i am sweet and kind and giving, but because i am vibrant and beautiful and dynamic. It all sounds very superficial and that makes me gag. But i am after all just a girl and i do not know of any woman who has not felt the same.

We all want to be smart and pretty. We want to be known as the good and kind and loving and giving one, with the knock out looks and the wicked smile and ” those eyes”.

I am working on it. And who knows, maybe one day i will be fully self confident in my own skin. One day, one breath, one moment at a time.

Mirror

Today you are not my friend. I stand in front of you and gaze at the reflection i see. I do not look my age, that in itself should be enough. But it is not. I see what i have always seen. 5’3″ of chunky.  Which is funny because my jeans are obviously too big these days. My eyes are dull today. They are missing that spark. My fire is barely a coal cooling at the edge of the fire pit. I fear i have become a stagnant and boring piece of the environment. I do not see sexy or beautiful even though i hear the words. I do see the kitchen bitch with dish pan hands. I see the laundry diva, the expert floor mopper,the feeder of dogs and humans alike. I battle the thing i fear. That the mundane of every day life takes over and that the rush of human desire fades into the back ground. I do not want to be as invisible as the paint on the walls. I have put forth the effort to look the part. I have gone home at the end of a long day and put on something “cute” while cooking dinner. I have played the message game. Photos and texts. But at the end of it all i am blinding aware that it doesn’t matter. Life and all of it’s harsh reality is what comes out ahead. I will find a pair of rose colored glasses and look at myself though them. I will adjust my expectations and know that i love differently. And i will find peace and solace in the knowledge that i am loved and that for him every plate is a testament to that love. I will look into the mirror and know that the truth is not in the reflection i see, but in what fills my heart. And that will have to be enough.