Living life in perspective

I have not been here much. I have been spending my time putting life in balance. In facing fears. In taking care of my health and of my loved ones. An in many hours of reflection. Life is feeling in better balance even though i have a couple of things that will need addressing after the holidays.

I am finally living a life of connection. I spent so much time disconnected from everything. I moved in and out of life like a ghost for years. Putting on the happy face and just existing. Then i went through the mad times when i did things i wish i could take back. But even that has taught me things. I did not do what i did to hurt anyone. I did it to see if i could. I was sure that i was the problem. That i was ugly and undesirable. I felt abandon so i dove headlong into the darkness to see if it was true. Was i  really so awful. Turns out, I am sexy and wanted. But if all you are looking for is cheap and empty you can find lots of it. Thankfully i found my loving husband who has been my greatest love and the one who reminds me about balance in life.

At this moment the only thing that feels out of balance is my relationship with my daughter who is battling her own darkness and what will happen on the job front after the new year. I know that time will be the determining factor in everything. So for now i am determined to live in focus. To live in joy. To live in this moment and let the rest take care of themselves. I am not responsible for anyone elses happiness. I am only responsible for my reaction to the events in life. And i hope to face them with dignity and kindness and loving respect for all i meet.

I want to wish you all a wonderful holiday season. As new year approaches i get giddy school girl goose bumps. I love the new beginnings. I love the reflection of the past and the unknown of tomorrow. I smile because it is when my husband proposed to me. It was the beginning of this blessed life. It marked a change in me for the better. I no longer choose to just exist but to live and that is the best gift of all.

I need INK

I did not start getting tattoos until i was in my 30’s. They mark moments in my life of grand importance. The last one was a cover up of a tattoo i had to mark my 20 something year anniversary to my 1st husband. The cover up was not to remove it from my life but to mark my skin for myself instead of for someone else. It had been a vain attempt to elicit some type of emotion or reaction from him. It was a pointless gesture.

Ink for me at this point is almost cathartic. To put something beautiful on my skin. To have a few hours of physical pain to distract me from the mental pain. My only child is still not speaking to me and i have been denied the reason behind her actions. It eats at my core every day. But i have come to a few conclusions on my own. I am happy in my life. And she currently is not. I will not be miserable to make her more comfortable in her sadness. If she is angry at me over choices i made during my divorce from her father then so be it. I was in a bad mental and emotional place and i fucked up. I know this, but i can not take those things back.

I need some peace, I need some pain, I need some ink. Some will not understand the pain thing. I don’t always get it myself. But there is some thing about a small amount of pain that brings things into focus. It reminds you that you are fully alive and want to be. It is not about dying or sadness. At least not for me. It is about clarity. For now my budget will not allow me the luxury. So i will try to find that peace by writing.  Words and music have always been healing for me. So I am breathing deep, cranking up the tunes and having a good cry until i can afford to let my skin take some of this from my broken mommy heart.

Just touch me

My body aches. Yes some of it was physical pain from all that life had dealt her way but most of it was sheer want. No… not want, NEED.

It had been a long time since I have enjoyed a good massage. My therapist had moved from town and my lack of trust had spiked. I know it was part of the reason my brain runs laps around itself. My king helps to calm the mind storm most of the time but this was different. The need was not sexual in nature but one that came from skilled hands making the mind and body find its balance. And lord knows my balance was off, way off.

It was amazing to me how those massages every 3 weeks had been so good for my mental health as well as my physical. I care to much, felt to deep. And carrying all of that in my soul had an effect on my  body. If i only had the ability to turn off my emotions then things would be calmer in my world. But i have never found the switch. and truth be told i did not ever go looking for it. My ability to feel so much is a part of myself that i enjoy. It helps me feel real. It also rips at my guts and my mind and my body.

Lately my balance had been further upset by her own daughter. Their disconnection is causing my entire being to spin wildly out of balance. My mind runs wild with the what could be, and what was wrong and how to fix it. But you can’t fix things when people refuse to talk. So for now i am forced to just breath deep and hope that in time she will want to talk to her mom again. What eats at me the most was the not knowing.

How do you just pick up the phone and let anyone touch you? It is not like getting a pedicure. This is you bare skin in the hands of another. This is the energy that flows through your body being tapped into by another human being. This is the time when you just let go of it all and hope that the hands you are in are of a kind and spiritual person who can deal with all of the energy you are in need of releasing. I am sure it is not that way for everyone, but it is for me. It is more than physical therapy, it is emotional release. It is a transfer of energy from my inner most self out into the world. Some will scoff, some will understand. But for me it takes trust and at this moment i need to find that trust and release more than anything else. So i am going to pick up the phone and say a prayer that i find the right person. Because i NEED this right now, really bad.

 

Things i can’t control

I never thought I was a control freak. That was my ex husband. But as time has gone on i am realizing that I am. I like order and structure mixed with just a touch of mayhem for fun. That being said i am in a strange place in my life. I am so overly emotional lately. I was not sure why, now, i seem to be more in touch with my feelings than ever. It is the fact that for the first time in my life i am in truly a safe place. I am allowed to feel and express without judgment. And because of that I am flooded with all of the feelings i have stuffed for so long.  And it is a bit overwhelming to say the least.

Right now the waves of emotion are at an all time high. And i need to write my way through them so that i can properly process them and come to grips with all that i am feeling.

Most importantly is my relationship with my daughter. She is 25 and recently divorced. It was a bad marriage and there were step children involved. She was deeply attached to the kids. And It is a situation that she is not handling. But as of this moment i have been banned from her life. She is angry with me and while i am not clear at to all of the reasons it is clear that my divorce from her father 3 years ago is causing her some delayed anger. in my head you can not fix what you will not talk about. But this is how her dad acts so i have no control over that and have to sit here patiently and quietly until she decides to talk to me. It is eating me up inside but I am reminded that all i can control is my own response. So for now i am giving her space even though it is killing me slowly inside.

We have had more than our fare share of loss in the last year. We went to a funeral yesterday of a 62 yr old woman who died suddenly from an infection that was not caught in time. She was a vibrant and loving woman dedicated to faith and family. In love with the same guy since she was 14. As i sat in that gym and watched and listened i was faced with a hard cold fact. When i die it will be like nothing really happened. I am disconnected from all of my family. My daughter is pulling away from me. My husband whom i love dearly probably won’t out live me even though he is 10 years younger. So that makes one consider their mortality more than is probably healthy. And that leads to another stress point. Why am i working so hard at a career to make money when there will be no one to leave anything to?

The medical bills are piling up and i feel like i am drowning. I made some uninformed, uneducated decisions and now there will be at some point some financial reprecusions. I wake up in full panic mode in the middle of the night over that. I am not even sure how bad it is because i am to afraid to look into it. Mostly because i know that i do not have the money to fix it. And until i dig into it, it appears that it is being missed by the collectors.  It makes me want to walk away from my career and hope that the bad decisions never show up to destroy me. And that is all my nerves can handle. So i am not going to talk about it any more today.

There are people i need to check up on. But in my heart i know the news is not good. So i am avoiding it. And that is not like me at all.I have some health issues that i do not know how to cope with and i will not have any further information until early December.So that is eating at me. I fear that I will wear out my husband and that one day he will look at me and declare that i am just to much. I will not ever be surprised if he looks at me one day and says “get out”. I am almost to much for myself to deal with.

When my first marriage was falling apart i  dove into a fantasy world to cope. I do not want to do that now. I want to stay in the present and focus on getting better. On giving my all to my friends and family. To showing my husband the depth of my love and how grateful i am to him for loving me like he does so that i am in the place of safety to let my deep emotions flow so that i can heal and move forward. But i am scared and it is all to much some days. I am no longer in the darkness that made me suicidal. And for that i am grateful. But breathing is so hard sometimes. Fear is chocking me and locking me in place. I need to find a way out of some of this.I need to find my bold back. I am not sure where it went.

 

admitting my fear

Sitting at work i am looking at my appointment book and cringing. It is not as busy as i would like, not as busy as i think i need it to be. And i know how to fix that, I know how to hustle to boost that business. But i am afraid. Some nagging health issues are slowing me down. And until i get a clear plan of action with the Dr. I am caught in limbo. Can i stay doing this or will i need a change of career? If i need surgery, how long is my down time going to be? Will i even need surgery? The not knowing is keeping me stuck and i  hate this feeling. So i just keep sitting here wondering and worrying instead of acting. I have plans in my head but even those scare me. I know how to make this business boom but if i do that  will it affect my marriage? Other than the happiness and health of my daughter nothing is more important to me than making this marriage a long and happy one. So i am taking a deep breath and counting to 10. Taking the time to remember to practice patience and let things work themselves out.

My hands are tied

They say children should come with instruction manuals. And i think that little ones don’t need it. What is needed is one for your over 20 children. And it needs lots of chapters. Ones on how to deal when they are in a relationship and one for when that relationships goes to hell. I have tried to be a good mom, to stay out of her business unless she asks me. But it seems that now i have fucked it up again. I am at a loss. How do you know what is enough and what is to much? Her heart is broken and i understand but you have to choose to be happy, to move forward. And so much of her is like her dad, a silent brooder. I am a “lets talk this over and fix it” kind of woman.

All i can do it tell her i love her, offer to help where i can and patiently wait until she decides to talk to me. But she is driving me crazy. She is mad because she thinks i don’t make enough time for her, but refuses to talk to me cause she is mad, or ignores invitations to activities. I think she is a teenager all over again. Help me…

My love of the hunt, and it’s need in our lives today.

There was a cool snap to the air. Shades of green giving way to the golds and rusts of fall. It was the time of football, people bundled in sweaters, campfires, roasted marshmallows and pumpkin spice in abundance.

But for some these were the signs of something else. Something with a far deeper meaning. A tradition that carries back through time. Hunting season. Some of you may  recoil is disgust. But that is ok. While some people embrace technology I relish the simpler things in life. A time when the world worked harder, where respect was earned. Where age and wisdom was honored.

What does any of that have to do with hunting season? Well let me explain. The world is a vast and glorious place. But as human beings we live in small spaces. We think of this moment in time and are encouraged to look ever forward. But sometimes it is the depth of the past that we need to draw wisdom from.

Our food did not always come in foam trays, wrapped in plastic and sitting in neat little rows with no connection to its origin. Vegetables were not already cleanly washed to remove the chemicals because they did not need to be. They were pulled directly from the ground and taken into homes with dirt floors and corner fire places.

Life was honored and valued and cherished because it did not come easy. It came on the blood sweat and tears of  those who came before you. It was taught to you in time honored lessons by your elders. Respect for life was learned because to survive you had to take another life.

The woods  are a vast place, and men with sticks and strings with arrows tipped in carved rocks took down game to feed their families.  Not just their own blood but the entire tribe because things were shared. We were a community not separate individuals.

You may say that we no longer live in those times, and you are right, but I say that is a sad thing because we have lost those lessons. We live in a world where people expect you to respect them,but they do not respect you. Respect was something earned back them. We do not always live in a world were things are earned. They are expected without effort.

We no longer live as communities that give to others with no hope of something in return. We lack respect for our elders. We do not protect our own young, but rather cause harm upon them for selfish gain. We do not loving protect those among us with physical and mental challenges, but send them off for someone else to care for. We shame others if their body type does not match your idea of the ideal.We loot and riot and destroy the property of others in the name of justice.

In days past the elders were revered. Children were protected as gifts from god. The mentally and physically handicapped where not seen as a deficit but as the special ones among us blessed by the lord. A full figure was seen a prosperity and the abundance of life. Justice was swift and clear. An eye for an eye.

When i go out into the woods i give praise and thanks to the one who created this earth and the life i am going to take. I spend that time with my elders learning ways of respect for all life. I do not take more than my share. And that is given with love to those who can no longer hunt on their own. I am taught the gift of silence. And how to be at peace within myself. I know that the life i take is a gift and i do not waste it. Gods gifts are not to be taken lightly. Without them life would be harder.  I learn not just to listen but to hear. Both are needed with animals and mankind.

I am grateful for my ability to feed my family. I am honored to still know and use and teach the old ways. And i know that if the world takes a turn towards deeper sorrow i will be able to care for those i hold most dear. This is my life, this is my history, this is my legacy. Onward to the hunt we go.

Getting it

The only constant is change. So i am understanding that i am constantly learning. Concepts that have always been so clear to me are slowly taking on new colors. I have always been a black and white girl. So when i said something to you that is exactly what i meant. Now i am learning that life is not that simple. there are shades of grey, funny nuances to everything we say.  If i tell you i am going to do something, unless i am dead or in the hospital i am going to do what i said. when others don’t it makes me crazy. But this weekend i heard my husband use a term that made some things make sense. He called us BURSTY. I think he is more that way and i have joined him to some degree.

He will attack something with wild fervor. Then stop. I tend to be the more slow and steady type. So together we have this Tortise and the Hare balance to our life. He gets me going when i don’t want to even start something. I Keep him going when he wants to stop.

We will copulate like wild bunnies for a few days and then have the Sahara desert of breaks. That usually causes me anxiety but i am beginning to understand and find better calm during the droughts. We will work on house projects until we fall over from exhaustion. And he will still say that he is going to get “…..” done next. What happens is the gathering of material and then nada. And where that used to drive me mad i am beginning to get that it is not him NOT keeping his word, But him over promising. He really intends to do those things, but there is a time and physical ability issue. And i do not help when i declare that one deserves a day of rest. Even the good lord took a day off.

I love this life. Yes i still have anxiety moments but they are getting fewer and farther between. The good things are becoming more abundant. We are really understanding the other and talking through the unsure moments. We had so much baggage when we came into this relationship and together we are learning to let go of the things that do not make us stronger. I am a happier woman because i know i am loved. And that is the greatest feeling of all.

And then?Lets see…

In one wild flashing moment she had a choice, accept the kiss or pull away? The battle was a tough one inside of her brain. Part of her wanted to not only lean in but grab him and pull him in close as he kissed her. The other part was listing all of the reasons a kiss would be a bad idea. He as clearly younger than her, and what would he want with an old broad past that kiss? This was NOT how she saw this day ending. It had begun with her eyes being truth full about what they saw in the mirror. Then again we never see ourselves the way others see us.

She started to lean away from his kiss when his hand slid up the back of her neck and into her hair. With that she lost all will to resist. His fingers tangled up in the nape of her neck, his lips barely touching hers and her heart about to beat out of her chest. Damn, who knew. What had to have been only a few fleeting seconds felt like a life time. Every noise from the bar vanished. Her eyes that had been closed flashed open to see his eyes watching her intently. His body had left its stool and was effortlessly planted between her now open thighs. His other hand slipped around her waist as he filled the space between them. She could not move. She barely breathed for fear this moment was but a dream.

Not a word was exchanged as the kiss ended. He took her hand in his and lead her silently to the dance floor. He was not done having her in his arms. The next sound she heard was his low gravel voice singing in her ear as he lead her across the floor. His body so close to hers that she could feel the buttons of his shirt against her chest. One song faded into another as the two danced into the night.  Wild thoughts raced through her head. She could not deny her physical craving for this man and yet she was not that type of girl, or was she? Way to soon the songs ended and last call was heard echoing through the crowd.

Hand in hand he lead her out the door. After asking her where she was parked they walked again wordless into the night. She stood keys in hand, trembling from the electricity that emanated from his fingers. She wondered what had he been thinking all of that time? And more importantly what was he thinking now?

And then???? I guess we will just have to wait and see.

A Feared Woman — Smitten With Him

I long to be this woman. But i know in my heart that i will always be the one looking for that validation. Maybe not so much validation of my own self worth but that i am loved beyond all else. And that i am an object of desire. Even as i write this i am annoyed at myself for it. I am more than the sum of my parts. I am more than an object of lust and desire. Yet i still am lost in the moments when i do not feel it. I am a soul built from passion and want and need. Oh how do i let it go and find peace? How do i become that woman above?

via A Feared Woman — Smitten With Him

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