A message to my king

My phone chimes and i catch my breath. Those little moments through out the day when your words fill my heart. Last nights heat made me think back to the beginning and i smiled. Who knew a bucket of ice would lead to this. Those days filled with messages and the nights in my tiny one room apartment that gave life to something magical. When our life was work and bowling and late night dinners on the porch listening to the drunk idiots at the bar down the hill. 

I know how much you hate sudden change. How life is smoother when change comes like the summer rain. But you have been my hero. You were the one who asked, no insisted that i move in when that apartment became a lake during the massive rain. You didn’t have to but you did. You were the wonderful man who opened that same home to my daughter and her new family. I watched you and fell more in love with you than before. In  another 15 days i will have shared my life with you for a year. And i consider myself blessed. We both know where i was headed when we met. I was hurt and sad and swimming in the fog of another mans words. I was struggling to be something i was not so that i could feel love. 

Funny thing is that you made me feel all of the love in the world and never asked me to be anything. You were there through it all. Even in the days when i was still trying to fix what was broken and beyond repair. Your gentle heart standing back and seeing what i could not see. From our first conversation you declared i should be treated like a Queen. And you have my love, every day since. I will continue to work every day of my life to be worthy of that title and to treat you like the loving King that you are. 

one day one breath one moment at a time… until the days end, my breath no longer comes and my last moment is spent in your arms. 

 

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polar opposites

When my marriage had died i was still to chicken shit to walk away. But i was not to chicken to cheat. I had an affair, three in fact. I was desperately searching. What i found in the end was that i kept picking people much like my ex husband. And at some point i got strong enough to choose a different life. 

I had known the man who became my King. But had never considered dating him. I was simply not in that frame of mind. In fact i was so done with relationships. I was trying to focus on my own mental health and well being. But he slipped in. He made me laugh at a time in my life when i so desperately needed to. And before i knew it was a goner. 

With all that is going on with my daughters wedding it is becoming clearer and clearer that i got lucky. Those two men could not be more different. One a selfish self centered man who’s only concern is himself and his stuff. The other a man full of heart and generosity. His love for me is so visable. Not just to me but to everyone. He holds my hand and kisses me sweetly in front of everyone including his grandma.  I am not sure why i am so lucky. But i have decided to embrace it with both hands and a full heart. He has melted the frozen corners of my heart into puddles in which my grand children can play. He has used my tears to water a garden now full of flowers. And has shown me what i look like through his eyes instead of my own. And i can finally say that life is truly good. Even after i have bad days. Thank you all for bearing with me in my moments. This is where i let my emotions fly. Where i do not need to censor them for fear of hurting someones feelings. And here in the safety of these pages my life unfolds. I am growing and learning and loving. 

Through my eyes

Have you ever hoped that someone could see themselves through your eyes?

To see in themselves all that you so clearly see?

I have, I do, and I can only wait patiently for that to happen.

For him to see in himself all that everyone else knows is there.

I see that confidence in him in other places

The strength and self assurance of a man who knows who he is and what he is capable of

I see it in him when he takes my hand and looks into my eyes

A man who knows that he has my heart and my love

I see it when he holds conversations with friends

How they will sit with intent and listen to what he as to say

I see it when he is quietly talking to my unruly grandson and magically he does exactly as I asked

I see it during talks with my daughter, how she is clearly aware of how happy this man has made me

In his laugh and his jokes and in his kiss

In how he patiently listens as his grandmother talks

And how he takes in the lessons from his dad and grandfather

How when everyone else is losing patience with his step mom he gently reminds us that she is Just who she is

He struggles to find his groove in this new job.

But I see the man his boss sees. Otherwise she would not have offered him this place in her world.

He is smart and capable and strong. Not just of body but of heart and soul.

He forgets my simple rule…

One Day

one breath

one moment…

for this is all we have. And that no matter what life throws our way

I see my King.

And I would know, because he calls me his Queen

Coming undone

Things were not falling apart, in fact they were all falling together. Puzzle pieces of life falling into perfect place. And yet she was coming undone. Looking in the mirror she saw the same face, same hair. Even her skin felt the same under her finger tips. But she knew something was not quite right. All day it ate at her like some voice at the back of her mind. A soft scream in the darkness, warning of danger lurking just around the bend.

Tea she thought. That always soothed a jangled nerve. Slowly she sipped her way through an entire pot. But she still felt the world fraying at its seems. Hell what now, pulled at her brain. It had been days since they had made love. Maybe it was simply the need for a soul shattering orgasm. But those only came when he was buried in her with his eyes looking into hers. But at this point anything was worth a try. She slipped her hand under her dress and thoughtfully fingered her silken mound. Her heart beating faster. She always felt a little naughty doing this, but she was at the edge of something and needed what was about to come. With fingers buried deep she used both hands and gave into the flood that erupted. Always amazed by her own bodies response she giggled and took a moment to savor before cleaning up and getting on with her day.

But soon that old nagging feeling was back. The day seemed to drag on. Work ran smooth. Happy clients came in and out of her door. Why then was she on edge? She sent her king a message. Speaking of her love and hoping his day was good. Soon came a response that helped her to understand her uneasiness. It seems that his day was having a rough run. She often knew she felt others stress, but tried to put it behind her. And his was like an amplifier in her brain. She could feel it like a tuning fork. Gentle words of encouragement and love where all she sent.

When her days work was done she gathered up her belongings and headed home. Her kingdom, their castle. Safe inside its walls she began preparing their evening meal. She called it food, sustenance for life. He called it love. And above all else she wanted him to know he was loved. When her king arrived home there was enough time for them to sit, hand in hand on the couch and let him vent about his day. She listened with intent and loving eyes. And when he was done she handed him a cup of tea. Even for him tea was a remedy for the soul. Their meal was had and dishes done. Finally they could curl up on the couch and be safe and warm wrapped in each others arms. Somewhere in the fading light he kissed her head and uncurled himself from her. Taking her hand he led his queen to their chambers and there made love to her as if her very kiss where the fountain from which all life sprang. And there in the darkness with his eyes gazing deeply into hers their bodies and souls became one. And in that moment she was no longer undone.

What real love feels like

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 I am in this place in life. The one where I am finding it is ok to FEEL. I have always had to guard my emotions. Mostly out of fear that how I felt would upset someone. And god forbid if someone else’s feelings got hurt. It was always ok if mine got trampled.

Now I feel everything. And sometimes the feelings are a bit much. It is why I write. To take those feelings and sort them out, help them make sense in my head and heart.

The greatest thing is grasping what real love feels like. It is full of joy and fear. It is the greatest and scariest thing ever. This is not the love of a mother for her child, which I can say, is totally different. This one is the love that two humans share when they choose to no longer be solitude in life. My phone chirps and I leap to see if it is him. When it is I smile so big my face hurts. His words make me happy, and laugh or cry or sigh. I realize that even though I saw him only a few short hours ago I miss his presence. I think of our last moment and how my head fits perfectly in his shoulder. How his arms wrap around me and how his chin rests on my head. Of the beat of his heart and of the steady rhythm of his breathing. There is such comfort in it. I can see the love in his eyes, and the worry. I hate the worry. But it is all part of this full honesty pact we made. He still has these moments of doubt that rip out my soul. I know that I have shown that I am not easy to trust. But to be fair, I know I have never felt this depth of connection and love to another soul.

Yes I had those in my life for a time that I had a bond to. But it only went so far. Mostly it was a sexual connection. But in the wake of being separated from them I did not feel lonely. I felt empty. I was still searching for that which would bind up the broken parts and hold them so as to reassemble the damaged me into a new and alive me. In him I feel alive, repaired, loved and no longer empty. In him I feel the love. It is not wild and rose filled every day. It is the little things. Coffee together, cuddling on the couch, his ever present touch as I sleep. How he cheers me on when we go bowling. How he consoles me when I start to beat myself up. And how he reminds me that we never quit. How he will look at me as he holds my hand and asks me if WE are ok. How he calls me pumpkin, and his queen all in the same breath.

I know I messed up in the past. I know I made choices I wish I could change. But I also know without a doubt that I want every moment of the rest of my life to be bound to this man. To survive the challenges and come out stronger. Because in him I have felt what real love feels like.

She is never enough

she is a woman of passion

she has words that sometimes flow with such desire and intent

she has learned how to find her own confidence

and in that, how to lure a man into her grasp

but yet

she is unsure

for time has shown her one thing

she is lacking

for she has not the ability to keep them

that which she desires so deeply seems to not desire her

there is no doubt of his love

it is so clear in his eyes in his face

he does not touch her flesh

but his touch seers her soul

his fingers do not trace her skin

but they have a firm grasp on her heart

there are these moments when she feels no more than an outlet

a vessel for his need

And yet

there are times when she is wrapped in his arms she can feel more

What is she missing

what does she lack

all she wants is to know

because she has lost her heart to him

and she needs to know if her heart can survive

or if she needs to lock it away to save it from breaking beyond repair

 

 

 

 

time, love, and the truth of it all

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her own insecurities plague her mind

but she looks into his eyes and sees the depth of his love

There is no question there

She fills in the dark places of his heart with light

He has grounded her in sunnier days

Letting go of the pasts dark paths

They see in each other a future that was once only dreamed of

True, they can not go back and change things they wish they could

She can not fix the fact that her basket is eggless

Nor can she change the reality that she is old enough to be called cougar

They can not erase the past lovers of their lives

Or give up the marriages that came and went

But they can surrender full of heart

And show unending devotion to one another

She can give him the unquestioning love of her grandchildren

He can give her the undying love of his heart

They share a home, and bed and dogs and friends

Laughter is as common as breathing

And in the darkness of the night he is wrapped around her body

like he is wrapped in her heart

Time came late to them

but it holds a promise of years left to come

of dreams and hopes yet to unfold

And of insecurities left behind on a road no longer traveled

 

when life forces you to make a change

my life has been full of changes. Divorce, self reliance, finding love, losing love, losing control, regaining control, moving my business, finding real happiness and love, physical issues, facing the lost of a 23 yr career, having a moment when I thought ” I know what else I want to be when I grow up” realizing that I should of figured that out years ago. And that trying to make it happen now was,,, well a challenge at best. Life is just a constant rolling sea. And I am at the moment feeling lost in the waves. I have a lot of skills. Daily life skills. I can handle anything skills. But very few, ass in a desk college education skills. And now I am over 40 and realizing that pay checks that don’t require back breaking labor kinda need that book smarts shit.

I would love to have that fantasy job that lets me dress like a girl and wear beautiful shoes. But alas I do not believe that those really exist. I want it all, a ck that covers my expenses which in reality are not that much. No weekends or evenings because I love my life and the things that I have during non 8 to 6 daylight hours. It is either I find that job or I go into the adult entertainment industry. And no I am not joking. But no one really wants to see a 5′ 3″ 43 yr old size 14/16 woman be sexy as fuck. So it seems that while I now have a better grasp of who I really am and what I want from life, these were the lessons I needed in my 20’s when I could do something about them.

So I am taking life as I always have, one breath at a time and waiting to see what lesson I need to learn next.

 

Working thru MY Issues

How do you have a mental reset? Sexually I have been thru the mill. Abused as a child, by my father and step father. Issues with other forms of sexual abuse. Getting married at 19 to a man who eventually shut me out and cut me off. Diving into on line sex. Domination and submission. Having lovers. It all disconnected me from my body. I have lived in my head. I am a deeply emotional woman who cut herself off from emotion to survive. Now I am with a wonderful loving man and I am finding the intimacy hard. He tries to give me what I need, what he thinks I need, what I have led him to believe I want. What I am finding is that while I love the play, it does not cause me to have that final  Yee Haw moment.

For that to happen for me it takes some of that old fashioned, traditional stuff. I love to kiss, long soft slow ones mixed with some hand full of hair, you are mine, kisses. Lots of touching. That silly saying that women are like tea kettle, takes long time to heat up… Yep that’s me. I can turn into Niagra Falls in a heart beat, but to get past that is harder. My brain won’t shut up. I am always thinking, worrying. My stomach is not flat, in fact it is squishy. My hips are wider, my breast not perfectly perky. How can he think I am sexy? How could he really want me? Or is it simply because I am a wet vagina? Then I have to try harder to please him because I am sure I am not enough or that he could not really find me sexually desireable. And then I get the stupid crap running thru my head that I cant relax and enjoy it because that just makes me a dirty ???????

How do you turn off your head after all of these years of stuff? If I cant find a way I could ruin something so lovely.

For gods sake, this man actually held my hand and (had rain in his glasses) during the half time show. Damn Bruno Mars and his silly romantic song.

Life would be great i you had a reset button after a relationship ended. So you could start fresh with no old baggage.  even better if i could let go of my perfectionist issues.

Romance… i want to add it to the list of 4 letter words… mostly because it takes effort and i think that is part of what is missing for me. I did not ever have it. And i want it. I want the card for no reason, the silly side of the road flowers, a foot rub just because, Love notes left in my purse. That text message in the middle of the day that says, I was thinking of you. That little stuff. Part of it happens now. He is sweeter and more thoughtful than anyone has ever been to me. He tells me  i am beautiful, that i am perfect. I will probably always think he is crazy. But he tries to get past the mess in my head. I just need to find a way to let go, mentally and physically. Because i have something worth fighting for.

 

This

Life is this thing

it moves and grows

it flows like water

slow and languid or rushing like tempest streams

It ebbs like the tide

and yet is as constant as the ocean

It can sit in stagnant pools and breed death

or it can flow slow and gentle and carve rock into deep chasms

Yes life is this

Love is like water too

It comes like torrid rainfall

flooding the arid plains

causing new life to spring forth

or it can dry up like the Mojave

and leave you begging for just one drop

It is key to survival

yes love is this

Fate is what happens

you can not change it or mold it

you can try to direct it

but in the end you are subject to it

it is ever changing and defiant

you can hope for one thing

but fate will give you what you need

not always what you ask for

yes fate is this

I have stopped trying to make life, love, and fate bend to my will

I have accepted that this is just what this is supposed to be

and I am happier for it

I have surrendered control and found that by doing so

I actually have more control over my life, my love and my future

It is a gentle thing

It ebbs and flows

it drowns you and leave you desolate

It carves great chasms in things that were once so hard and unmovable

It has made my hard parts soft and given strength to my weaknesses

Yes this is life

this is love

this is fate

And I have hope

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